Empathic Partner

Accentuate the Positive

Research from the Gottman Institute indicates that a hallmark of happy relationships is the free flow of positive interactions (something on the order of 5 positive/validating statements for every 1 negative/critical statement).  The Gottmans call this a “culture of appreciation.”

 

Positive interactions build up layers of protective coating for your relationship.  When the storm clouds of conflict or stress roll in, the harsh weather won’t do so much damage.  When you are confident about being loved and respected, it is easier to see that prickly moments are cues for gentle exploration rather than a call to arms.  

  

So…when you think something positive, say it out loud! 

 

But what if you don’t feel like saying nice things?  Well, that is a sign that there is something lurking around that is hard to talk about.  People who suppress negative feelings often have trouble spontaneously expressing positive feelings.  Check out the posts on Key Concept 2 and Skill 2.  The more work you do on speaking up (and listening when your partner does…see Skill 1) the more room there will be for positive feelings.

 

What if you believe that “talk is cheap” (i.e. worth very little)?  If this is how you relate to compliments and positive statements, then that is something for you and your partner to know about you.  You may find it hard to give as well as to receive positive statements.  Over time, you may find some room for increased trust and flexibility regarding this position.  In the meantime, you and your partner can work together to find alternate means of expressing your love, appreciation and respect for each other.

 

For more information from the Gottman Institute, go to http://www.gottman.com/marriage/

Key Concept 3: Love Languages

In order to have confidence in our relationships, we need to know we love and care for each other, desire and want to be with each other, and are important to one another.   But how do we know this?  

 

People communicate this in different ways.  More importantly, they hear it in different ways.  The acts or words that convince one person may be almost meaningless to another.  Therefore, it is important to know how your partner effectively hears the communication that they are loved, desired, and respected.

 

Think about when you feel loved and appreciated.  What is going on?  Chances are you are receiving a communication in one of the 5 Love Languages delineated by Gary Chapman (see www.garychapman.org): physical affection, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation.

 

For many people, one or two of these languages are vitally important and one or two are maybe nice to receive but don’t go very far toward making them feel loved.  For example, some people find words unconvincing (no matter how sweet) or feel indifferent or even opposed to gifts.  Some people worry that they are greedy if they want all 5, but I say those people make life easy because everything works to get the message across!

 

Find out about the love languages you and your loved ones “hear” best.  Take the online quiz at Gary Chapman’s site, or the adapted one below. 

 

5 Love Languages Quiz

 

For each pair of statements, circle the letter after the statement that most represents you.

 

1.     I like to receive notes or texts of affirmation from you.    W

    I like it when you hug me.     P

 

2.    I like to spend one-on-one time with you.   Q

    I feel loved when you give me practical help.    A

 

3.     I feel loved and appreciated when you give me little gifts.   G

    I like taking long walks together with you.     Q

 

4.     I feel loved when you do things to help me out. A

    I feel loved when you touch me.     P

 

5.    I feel loved when you hold me in your arms.    P

    I feel loved when I receive a present from you.    G

 

6.     I like to go places with you.   Q

    I like to hold hands with you.   P

   

7.     I feel loved and secure when you praise and affirm me.   W

    Gifts of love and appreciation are very important to me. G

 

8.     I like to sit close to you.   P

    I like for you to tell me I look good.    W

 

9.     I like to spend special time just with you.    Q

    I like to receive little treats from you after being separated.    G

 

10.   I know you love me when you help me get something done. A

    I know you love me when you tell me you accept and admire me.  W

 

11.   I relish significant time spent together.    Q

    I relish the kind words you say to me.     W

 

12.   I feel whole when we hold each other.     P

    What you do affects me more than what you say.   A

 

13.   I feel closer to you when you touch me often.   P

    I feel closer when we get to talk or doing something together.   Q

 

14.   I like you to compliment my achievements.   W

    I feel your love for me when you do things for or with me that

are not your favorite things to do. A

 

15. I like for you to touch me (however briefly) when you walk by me.  P

    I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism.    W

 

16.   I feel special and valued when I receive meaningful gifts from you.   G

    I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.    A

 

17. I feel loved when you compliment my appearance.    W

    I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings.    Q

 

18.   Your physical touch makes me feel loved and cared for. P

    Your acts of service make me feel loved and cared for.     A

 

19.   I appreciate the practical favors you do to help me through

the day.             A

    I appreciate cards and/or gifts that you make for me.   G

 

20.   I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your Q

undivided attention.   

    I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of   A

service for me.   

 

21.   I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift you know 

I want or need. G

    I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful

words (written or spoken). W

 

22.   I feel loved when you help me out with chores that are   A

overwhelming me.  

    I feel loved when you get me a treat after you know I’ve had    

a hard day.   G

 

23.   I appreciate it when you remember special days with a surprise

gift.     G

    I appreciate it when we remember special days with a trip or

    activity together. Q

 

 24. I appreciate it when you give time and listen patiently to me.   Q

    I appreciate it when you step in to help me get something done

when I am worn down. A

 

25.   I am excited when you kiss me unexpectedly.   P

    I am excited when you give me a gift for no special occasion.  G

 

26.   I like to be told that you appreciate me.   W

    I like for you to look at me when we are talking together.    Q

 

27. Gifts from you are always special to me. G

    Your warmth and physical touch make me feel better.   P

 

28.   I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate and

see me.     W

    I experience that you appreciate and see me when you generously

do random, helpful favors for me.     A

 

29. Several inexpensive treats can mean as much or more than one

expensive gift. I feel close and happy when I get them.  G

    I feel close and happy when you listen to me with empathy

and sympathy.   Q

 

30.   I feel connected when you touch or kiss me daily. P

    I feel connected when you give me words of affirmation daily.     W

 

 

 

 

Tally up your totals for each letter:

 

A (acts of service)

 

G (gifts)

 

P (physical affection)

 

Q (quality time)

 

W (words of affirmation)

 

---

What languages of love do you understand best (aka what makes you thrive)?

 

 

 

 

What languages of love do you think you tend to speak (aka give)?

 

More tips for talking



Reflect on these questions before starting your dialogue:

Am I thinking of myself as victimized?

Do I feel negative emotions (fear, hurt, helpless, anxious, disgust, pain, sad, lonely, inadequate)

What ineffective actions to these thoughts and feelings tempt me to take? 

What makes it hard/scary for me?

How do I wish my partner would respond?

What makes it hard for my partner to respond this way?

What is it I want to say/find out? Why is that important to me?

What do I want? Why is it important to me?

You can help your partner hear you by:

Asking if it’s an okay time for them to listen.

Limiting yourself to a single topic and staying focused on that issue.

Being specific rather than vague, and saying why the topic is important to you.

Refraining from blame, criticism, accusations, and name calling.

Owning up to past ineffective behaviors.

 

Allow yourself some complexity:

There is often more than one feeling, and they may be conflicting.

Go deeper than the most surface feeling until you find some vulnerability

You can have your own feelings and desires and simultaneously hold concerns about their impact on your partner.

 

Remember you are not problem solving:

Recognizing and expressing a feeling, thought, or desire is not the same as making a decision or pushing a point of view.

 

Most importantly, be willing to learn more about yourself:

The goal is not “getting what you want” or extracting something from the other person, even though the process may lead to a request for something.

The goal is increasing your ability to express your own thoughts and feelings and tolerate differences. 

 

Watch out for these typical challenges:

Difficulty identifying or articulating feelings 

Difficulty holding your own desires (giving up too fast/over-adapting)

Bringing up too many issues at once

Demanding agreement or concessions (“I’ve told you how I feel, now do what I want.”)

Blaming – focusing on your partner instead of exploring yourself 

Not connecting the topic with a deeper understanding of yourself or couple dynamics

 

This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com

 

 

 

More tips for listening



Remember, it’s not about you:

Even when your partner talks about you, they are telling you about themselves.

It is up to you to manage your reactions: don’t interrupt, defend, argue, or cross-complain.

The existence of your partner’s separate experience does not erase yours (even if you are not getting to talk about it right now)

It is not your job to find solutions, it is your job to listen

 

Curiosity is the path to take:

Ask questions that help you understand your partner’s experience (not your own) in light of their own history.

 

You can ask yourself:

What’s the strongest feeling that I am hearing from my partner?

If I don’t include myself, if I don’t bring myself into it, even though my partner is talking about me, what do I hear my partner saying about him/herself?

Are there ways I can see my partner showing a desire for connection with me?

 

You can ask your partner:

What does this mean to you, or symbolize for you, beyond the concrete situation?

When did you first begin to feel concerned?

What are the benefits if this challenge is reasonably resolved to your satisfaction?

What is your main intention in bringing up this topic?

Here is the main point and the main feeling that I am getting.…is there anything you would add or correct?

 

Empathy (not problem-solving) is the goal:

Offer empathy more than once in order to demonstrate that you get it.

If you get stuck, then recapping is a good way to stay on track.

 

Watch out for these typical challenges:

Starting to problem solve or fix

Hearing blame even when partner is not blaming you in this moment

Getting defensive, talking about yourself instead of asking about partner 

Asking questions that have more to do with you than your partner (“What about me” or “What about the effect you think this has on me? When am I going to get to talk?” “Don’t you want to know my view?”)

Projecting your own meaning onto what your partner says instead of exploring their meaning 

Difficulty self-validating and self-soothing  (getting caught up in the other’s emotion)

Difficulty accessing empathy

 

 

This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com

 

Couples Therapy, part 1

Developed with reference to “How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy” by Ellen Bader, Ph.D and Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from the Professional Collection at CouplesInstitute.com.

The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy works when you apply new knowledge to interrupt ineffective patterns and develop better ones.  During therapy, you develop a shared understanding of what happens in your relationship, and learn to respond to each other more effectively and without violating your own core values or deeply held principles.

Key tasks of couples therapy include increasing your clarity about:
.The relationship you want
.The choices and behaviors that are consistent with having the relationship you want; and
.Where and why it gets hard to make those choices and engage in those behaviors

The hard work of great relationships:

Putting in the time. It takes time to create a great relationship: time to be together, time to be with family/community, time for shared fun and relaxation, time to coordinate and plan.  It can feel hard to make this time if there are competing pressures (e.g. children, work, and your own individual development).

Leaving your comfort zone. This work requires you to be brave: both when you share information about yourself with your partner, and when you listen to what they tell you about themselves.  In addition, therapy involves exploring what happens when you are each at your worst: no one’s favorite topic. 

Owning your part.  People often enter couple’s therapy focusing on a problem they see in their partner.  However, each of you will be called upon to examine your assumptions and your coping strategies, and how these impact your interactions with each other.  Ultimately, you will each confront the reality that you can effect change only within yourself and through creating an environment that supports the relationship you want. 

Getting the most out of sessions:

As you work with a therapist to map out the recurring patterns and cycles of conflict or distance in your relationship, the starting point will sometimes be a specific issue you have identified, or a fight you’ve gone through.  However, keep in mind that these are not “the problem” but symptoms of an overall pattern you are trying to understand and rework. 

 

In order to keep your focus on this bigger picture of the relationship, it is helpful for each person to do the following before each session:

1. Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
2. Think about the next step you can undertake that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.