Empathic Partner

Listening to Learn

What follows is a basic format for going deeper than our usual conversations.  It is adapted from the "Couples Dialogue" used in Imago therapy*.  It is a useful skill for learning about your partner and a good tool for unpacking conflicts without re-starting them. 

  

Take turns in the role of listener and speaker.  Practice this at least 3 times this week, with each person getting at least 15 minutes in each role each time.

  

1. The speaker tells the listener something in no more than 2 or 3 sentences.

  

2. The listener summarizes what they heard.  You might use phrases like "I heard you say" or "If I'm hearing you right, you said..." and then "did I get that?" The purpose of this is to ensure that the listener was able to stay present and absorb what the speaker said.  In regular conversation, our minds often wander to formulating a reply or follow-up question or other thoughts while the speaker is still talking.  This step guards against that.  If you find you are unable to remember what was said, ask the speaker to repeat it.

  

3. Once the speaker has confirmed that the listener has heard correctly, the listener asks "is there more?"  Rarely do we ask that question in everyday conversation!  Repeat steps 1-3 for 2 or 3 rounds, then move on to step 4.

  

4. The listener validates the speaker by sharing anything they can see makes sense from the speaker's point of view.  This does not require agreeing with or approving of that point of view.  Examples: "I can see how you would see it that way."  "Given your life experiences, that makes sense."  "I can understand..." 

  

5. The listener empathizes with the speaker by sharing their guess at what the speaker feels.  For example, "I imagine you felt/are feeling..." Try to offer 3 feelings (see the list below for ideas).  The speaker can then agree or clarify what they actually feel/felt.

  

*For more on Imago, see books by Harville Hendrix, e.g. "Getting the love you want: A guide for couples."  Shawna@empathyrocks learned about Imago via Wade Luquet's "Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action."

  

 

Some Feelings (Emotions and Attitudes)

  

Happy, Blissful, Cheerful, Delighted, Ecstatic, Glad, High, Joyous, Pleased, Satisfied

  

Sad, Contrite, Crushed, Defeated, Despairing, Distraught, Melancholy, Sorrowful, Weepy

  

Angry, Annoyed, Bitter, Defensive, Enraged, Frustrated, Furious, Mad, Outraged, Prickly, Quarrelsome

  

High-Energy (fun) Eager, Electrified, Energetic, Excited

(and not so fun) Afraid, Anxious, Fearful, Frantic, Frightened, Jumpy, Nervous, Panicked, Restless, Scared, Stressed, Tense, Terrified

  

Peaceful, Calm, Contented, Relaxed, Settled

  

Disconnected, Abandoned, Excluded, Helpless, Homesick, Ignored, Isolated, Left Out, Lonely, Misunderstood, Numb, Powerless, Rejected, Unlovable, Withdrawn

  

Connected, Affectionate, Close, Empathetic, Good, Grateful, Helpful, Kind, Lovable, Loved, Loving, Sympathetic

  

Surprised, Astounded, Awed, Shocked, Startled, Stunned, Stupefied

  

And more…

Character judgments: Adequate, Apathetic, Bad, Beautiful, Bold, Brave, Capable, Childish, Clever, Competitive, Crazy, Critical, Cruel, Culpable, Deceitful, Destructive, Determined, Different, Disturbed, Evil, Fake, Foolish, Greedy, Guilty, Gullible, Hateful, Hysterical, Irritable, Jealous, Keen, Lazy, Mean, Needy, Nice, Obnoxious, Obsessed, Odd, Pretty, Prim, Prissy, Screwed Up, Sneaky, Spiteful, Stingy, Strange, Strong, Stupid, Talkative, Tenacious, Ugly, Vivacious, Wacky, Weak, Wicked, Violent

  

Pleasant to feel…Captivated, Charmed, Enchanted, Fascinated, Free, Heavenly, Honored, Impressed, Infatuated, Pleasant, Powerful, Proud, Refreshed, Relieved, Respected, Reverent, Rewarded, Righteous, Sure, Vital, Wonderful

  

And not so pleasant…Ambivalent, Betrayed, Bored, Burdened, Cheated, Condemned, Confused, Criticized, Discontented, Disgusted, Disrespected, Distracted, Divided, Dominated, Dubious, Empty, Envious, Exasperated, Exhausted, Flustered, Grieving, Horrible, Hurt, Imposed Upon, Intimidated, Low, Miserable, Overwhelmed, Pained, Persecuted, Petrified, Pressured, Punished, Remorseful, Servile, Skeptical, Sorry, Stifled, Stuck, Suffering, Tempted, Tentative, Tenuous, Terrible, Threatened, Thwarted, Tired, Trapped, Troubled, Uneasy, Unsettled,  Vulnerable, Worried

 

 

Speaking up to be known

To guard against the dangers of being hidden in our own relationships we have to stretch to share our thoughts and feelings about ourselves.  What we want and don’t want, and how we feel.  This tends to get hard when how we are doesn’t fit perfectly with who we want to be, or how our partners wish we could be.  On top of that, some of us are so used to suppressing our own desires or feelings that we must do work to unearth them before we can begin to share them.

 

Look for those moments when you censor yourself: to “protect” yourself or your partner, or because you are compromising without talking about it.   Is there anything you’ve been thinking for awhile but feel unable to say out loud? Look for times when you can stretch yourself to share more, and also share your inclination to keep quiet (e.g. “I’m a little embarrassed to admit this but….” Or “I’m afraid of hurting your feelings but, honestly I…). 

 

Stick to your own feelings and experience rather than sharing to tell your partner something about themselves.  That is, if you are sharing something that bothers you about your partner’s behavior, say “when you…, I feel….. because…..” rather than “I think you’re being inconsiderate.” 

 

Try to be aware of whether you are looking for a particular response: like validation or approval, or to convince your partner of something.  We all like approval and things going our way, but this skill is about holding on to yourself and your experience, and being able to talk about it regardless of your partner’s response.  That doesn’t mean you don’t care about what your partner feels, it means caring about your partner without invalidating  yourself.    

 

In addition, look for those moments in which you silence your partner, for example, with ridicule or criticism (however mild), unsolicited advice, or your own hurt feelings or need for validation.  Try to hold on to your own feelings (you’re entitled to them) AND the separate, subjective reality of your partner.  Can you talk about your experience without invalidating your partner’s? 

 

This is big stuff, and it’s not easy, but the payoff for your relationship is huge.  When it gets hard to listen, consider using the listening skill described in Skill 1. 

Accentuate the Positive

Research from the Gottman Institute indicates that a hallmark of happy relationships is the free flow of positive interactions (something on the order of 5 positive/validating statements for every 1 negative/critical statement).  The Gottmans call this a “culture of appreciation.”

 

Positive interactions build up layers of protective coating for your relationship.  When the storm clouds of conflict or stress roll in, the harsh weather won’t do so much damage.  When you are confident about being loved and respected, it is easier to see that prickly moments are cues for gentle exploration rather than a call to arms.  

  

So…when you think something positive, say it out loud! 

 

But what if you don’t feel like saying nice things?  Well, that is a sign that there is something lurking around that is hard to talk about.  People who suppress negative feelings often have trouble spontaneously expressing positive feelings.  Check out the posts on Key Concept 2 and Skill 2.  The more work you do on speaking up (and listening when your partner does…see Skill 1) the more room there will be for positive feelings.

 

What if you believe that “talk is cheap” (i.e. worth very little)?  If this is how you relate to compliments and positive statements, then that is something for you and your partner to know about you.  You may find it hard to give as well as to receive positive statements.  Over time, you may find some room for increased trust and flexibility regarding this position.  In the meantime, you and your partner can work together to find alternate means of expressing your love, appreciation and respect for each other.

 

For more information from the Gottman Institute, go to http://www.gottman.com/marriage/

Make a love languages tickler system.

Once you know your partner's love languages (see Key Concept 3), interview them for more specifics.  For instance, if he likes gifts, find out if any little treat counts, or if he's also looking for other attributes.  Is it worth more if it is expensive, or if it shows you know him well?

Once you have a good idea of the kinds of things that your partner perceives as evidence of love, make yourself a tickler system to ensure that you are communicating in the languages they can hear.  Hopefully there are enough options that you can offer at least one per week.  For instance, if your partner likes words of affirmation, you can calendar reminders to say the positive things you feel, and leave her little love notes or write her a card.

Continue your spontaneous expressions of love in any language, but use the tickler to ensure that you don't fall below a minimum threshold in the languages that really get heard.  Long-term relationships cannot rely on spontaneity alone to keep these messages flowing.  There is still authenticity in the choice to take the action your tickler suggests.  If you see the note on your calendar and don't feel like following through, this is important information.  Review Key Concept 2, and ask yourself if there is something you're having a hard time saying out loud.

Key Concept 4: Temperament, part 2

Below is a review of each of the classic elements of temperament followed by a 1-5 spectrum on which you can place yourself. Try not to think about what you “should be,” or how you “should respond,” or how you wish you were. You may find it interesting to consider how temperament differences were handled in your family of origin, and how your reaction to those experiences plays out in your intimate relationships.

 

1.    Persistence

When you are involved in a task, how do you feel about being interrupted?  If someone tells you “no,” does it make you want to push harder? When you have to stop before the task is “done,” how do you feel?

 

Low Persistence				High Persistence
1	2	3	4		5

       

Possible Traits of Someone Who is Low Persistence:  Easy going, but can have a hard time following through or completing things, or can have a hard time holding the line about things.

 

Possible Traits of Someone Who is High Persistence: Committed to goals, able to give full attention, willing to “fight” to be able to keep trying or finish, but can respond to interruptions with irritation, may miss other’s cues, has a hard time being flexible, and has a hard time feeling they’ve done a good job if nothing is fully completed.

 

2.    Sensitivity

How aware are you of sights, sounds, smells, textures or tastes? Do noises irritate you? Do you notice subtle changes in lighting or temperature? Do you get overwhelmed when there is too much to look at? Do you have a hard time with textural differences (i.e. of your clothes, sheets, food, etc.)? Note: We can be really sensitive about some things (i.e. sound) and less sensitive about others (i.e. sights).

 

Low Sensitivity				High Sensitivity
1	2	3	4		5

 

Possible Low Sensitivity Traits: Not easily irritated or overwhelmed by sensory stimuli; can enjoy amusement parks, crowds, Home Depot; can wear clothes of any texture; rarely notices moderate changes in temperature; easy to stay calm and focused; often have trouble believing or being patient with what it’s like for people with high sensitivity; can overload sensitive people.

 

Possible High Sensitivity Traits: Easily irritated or overwhelmed by sensory stimuli including crowded stores, crying children, loud bars or parties, clutter, highly decorated classrooms (visual stimuli);  particular about how clothing feels; finds it very hard or impossible to focus on other things in the midst of sensory stimuli; probably often told “too sensitive” or picky which may result in frustration with self and attempts to “tough it out” until overwhelmed; usually needs awareness and practice to recognize when to take a break before overwhelm; Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kids often (some say always) have high sensitivity.  Stress tends to push people higher on the spectrum.

 

 

3.    Adaptability

How easily do you shift from one activity or idea to another?  How do you feel about surprises or changes in schedule or plan?

 

 

Low Adaptability				High Adaptability
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Adaptability: Organized; predictable; has an easy / comfortable time establishing routines; fights against feeling rushed or surprised; unlikely to overlook transitions; may judge adaptable people as unpredictable or unreliable.

 

Possible Traits of High Adaptability: Flexible, good for in-the-moment problem-solving, may not even perceive some transitions, may be triggered by those who need longer transition time, may judge those who need or thrive on a schedule as controlling, may have trouble with follow-through or be experienced as highly distractible.

 

4.    Intensity

How strong are your emotional reactions (what you feel, not necessarily what you do or how much you show it)?

 

 

Low Intensity				High Intensity
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Intensity (milder emotion): Not emotive, may be described by other people as especially calm, not easily triggered by others’ feelings or intensity, not easily frustrated, may have a hard time empathizing with higher intensity emotions, may judge those who show more emotion in any variety of ways.

 

Possible Traits of High Intensity (more intense emotion): Experiences emotions deeply, passionately, with zest; has a hard time “letting go” of emotions (may have experienced others trying to convince to “let it go and move on;” has to work harder not to get triggered by others; can experience and judge low intensity people as “emotionally flat” or “Spock-like.”

 

5.    Regularity

Do you like/need to sleep or eat at regular times? Do you get thrown off (i.e. irritated, upset, stressed) when your regular day-to-day schedule changes?

 

 

Low Regularity				High Regularity
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Regularity (flexible): Irregularity is okay, can wait to eat or sleep; has an easier time traveling or adjusting to others’ schedules (i.e. if friends or family are visiting, if someone is ill, etc.).

 

Possible Traits of High Regularity: Routines give a sense of security and reliability; bodily functions are more regular/on-schedule; feels a range of stress/anxiety/irritation if schedule is disrupted; can physically feel quite bad if sleep schedule or meal schedule changes; with entitlement can expect others to adapt to their schedule regardless of others’ temperament.

 

Each can have a very hard time understanding and being patient with the other.

 

 

6.    Activity Level

How active are you? This is not just about exercising or working out. What amount of activity makes you feel good? When you want to “unwind,” “take it easy,” or “relax,” do you want to go for a jog, or lie down and watch a movie? What level of activity at work or home makes you feel invigorated? What level of activity makes you feel exhausted or overwhelmed?

 

 

Low Activity Level				High Activity Level
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Activity: Easy to sit still for long periods of time; might need or crave quiet still time; can take or leave physical exercise; likes to stroll rather than walk briskly; generally laid back; a rejuvenating vacation involves free time and lounging; enjoys single activities but not three scheduled in a row; finds high activity people (and their activities) exhausting.

 

Possible Traits of High Activity: Fidgety, needs regular exercise; prefers to walk briskly; not easily overwhelmed by lack of “down time;” likes to pack the schedule with things to do; feels antsy and stir crazy when stuck in the house too long; a rejuvenating vacation involves many activities; can have a hard time stopping, focusing, or being still; finds low activity people boring or judges them as lazy.

 

7.    First Response (Approach or Withdrawal)

What is your characteristic first response to a new idea, place, thing, or activity? Does it feel natural to wait and observe before jumping in, or does it feel easy and natural to throw yourself into the new experience?

 

 

Low (Cautious) First Response			High (Jump in) First Response
1	2	3		4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low (Cautious) First Response: Needs time to decide; watches before joining; less able to focus for a longer period of time when in a new environment; can judge high first response people to be careless, reckless, anxiety-producing, or exhausting.

 

Possible Traits of High (Jump-In) First Response: Quick to decide likes and dislikes; jumps at any chance for something new; joins in quickly; no noticeable (or at least negative) physiological reaction to newness; may move too quickly for their cautious counterparts or judge them as overly cautious or constrained by fear.

 

Adapted by Shawna Sodersten and Orchid Pusey from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s © 2000 “Kids, Parents and Power Struggles,” Chapter Eight: “Why You Blow: Understanding Your Temperament.”

 

Temperament Tool: How does it play out in your relationship?

Learning about temperament can help us understand and navigate diversity and difference in our relationships. It helps us understand why certain situations make us comfortable or cranky. It helps us gain insight into why those around us experience the crowded party or the trip to Costco or the sudden change in meeting schedule in the ways that they do. It helps us know what kinds of environments or situations support us in being our best selves.  It helps us accept and talk about our experiences, reduce conflict, and come up with strategies that make life together better.

Think of someone you are in an intimate relationship with, or someone that you spend a lot of time with, and circle where you think they fall on a 1-5 spectrum for these elements of temperament, with 1 being “very low” and 5 being “very high.” (If possible, get them to rank themselves!) Compare the two. What do you notice? Where are the similarities and differences? How do you two handle your temperament differences?

  

Aspect	Me	Name:
Persistence	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Sensitivity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Adaptability	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Intensity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Regularity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Activity Level	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
1st Response	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5

Is there one aspect of the person’s temperament that is hard for you, or that makes you easily irritated or judgmental? Is there an aspect of your temperament that you feel the other person does not accept or expects you to change? (It could be a constant conflict or one that flares up every once in a while under certain conditions). Below are some prompts to get you thinking about how to apply this information on temperament into your own life.

1. A temperament difference between us that is sometimes challenging is:

2. One aspect of _______’s temperament that I get impatient or judgmental about is:

 

3. Conflict flares up around this difference between the two of us when:

4. I could say this to myself as a way to increase my empathy and reduce my impatience:

5. One aspect of my temperament that I wish _______ could be more understanding about is:

6. One way (or time) I can communicate about this with ________ so we can work together to try to change the factors that contribute to the conflict is:

 

Connecting through Conflict: Part 1

What happens when you and your partner argue? 

 

Anger, disappointment, and disagreements surface in any deep relationship.  Resolving and learning from conflict, and repairing rifts happens most reliably when you uncover the thoughts and feelings hidden beneath the surface “content” of the fight.  It helps to remember that there is no single “objective reality” but rather two “subjective realities.”  

 

What she “heard” is as relevant that what you “said.”  What he “felt” is as relevant as what you “meant.”  And a sudden outburst, wild accusation, or seemingly irrational stance is often the consequence of prior suppression/inhibition of genuine concerns and feelings.

 

Think about the last time you argued (or save this for the next time you do) and try to describe how you felt.  Each person can take a turn at being the speaker and the listener (to resist the temptation to interrupt with defensive responses about what you “meant” or “said,” etc.)

 

Here are some things people often feel during arguments:  defensive, hurt, excluded, angry, sad, misunderstood, criticized, disliked, afraid, worried, invalidated, out of control, righteously indignant, unattractive, neglected, disgusted, disapproving, morally outraged, taken for granted, shut down, numbed out, unfairly picked on, overwhelmed, or powerless. 

 

Sometimes people have the urge to leave, the desire to hurt their partner (physically or emotionally), or the desire to break something or otherwise act out.  Sometimes people feel like nothing they say, think or feel matters.

 

Sometimes people have positive feelings during an argument, such as feeling calm, loved, appreciated, respected, powerful, happy, loving, kind, excited, or in control.  Sometimes you can feel connected, or that you are making progress.

 

How many of these things did you feel?  Anything else?

 

Try to summarize your own subjective reality during this argument and share it with your partner (focusing on what you felt, rather than returning to your arguments). 

 

Listen to your partner’s description of their subjective reality and mirror it back to be sure you understand.  Try to see how your partner’s subjective reality might make sense, given your partner’s perspective, and then try to communicate that understanding.  It is essential that each of you attempt to give some credence to the other’s subjective reality.

 

If you are unable to listen to your partner without getting physically and/or emotionally agitated, give yourself more time to cool off and try again.  Often, the challenge is that each person needs to receive some empathy before they can offer any. 

 

Connecting through Conflict: Part 2

After exploring what the conflict was like for you and what it was like for your partner, the next step is figuring out your own part in setting the stage for, initiating, or escalating the experience of conflict that you just had.  Sometimes we like to believe that a conflict is all one person's "fault."  Aside from the fact that a right/wrong framework isn't very effective for resolving conflict, it is also impossible to create or sustain conflict single-handedly.

It is hard to take responsbility for your own role (however small) in the conflict if you are feeling defensive.  Although they are in an "attack mode," blaming, judging, and critiquing are actually all things we do to defend ourselves.  It can be helpful to take some time to calm down.  Try some deep breathing, tensing and then relaxing muscle groups, or visualizing a peaceful place.  Then look over the (non-exhausive) list below for some prompts as to what you might own about your part in the conflict.

1.  I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2.  I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

3.  I have taken my partner for granted.

4.  I have been very sensitive lately.

5.  I have been very critical lately.

6.  I have been keeping thoughts and feelings to myself.

7.  I have not been emotionally available.

8.  I have been more typically withdrawing than seeking connection.

9.  I have been getting easily upset.

10. I have been depressed lately.

11. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

12. I have not been very affectionate.

13. I have not made time for good things between us.

14. I have not been considering what I need, want, or feel.

15. I have not asked for what I need.

16. I have been making assumptions about what you think and feel instead of asking.

17. I had a hard time listening to you because I heard what you were saying as a criticism.

18. I had a hard time being empathetic because I needed so much for you to give some empathy to me.

 

Share your thoughts about your contribution to the conflict with your partner.

 

 

 

Connecting through conflict: part 3

The last step in resolving a conflict is to plan for how to proceed.   It is difficult to do this without doing parts 1 and 2 first, because those steps involve information sharing that is key to developing workable solutions.

 

When you begin floating ideas about solutions, bear in mind that a workable solution must reflect the validity of each partners' subjective experience of the situation.  A solution that only attends to one partner's desires/fears/opinions is unlikely to be sustainable.  It also helps to frame solutions as positives (what you want rather than what you don't want).

 

If you are requesting a behavior change of yourself or your partner, make sure it is concrete and specific, and builds in an acknowledgement that no one is 100% consistent.  For example, "I'm asking you to call me when you'll be late at least 80% of the time" works better than "call me if you'll be late," and much better than "show more consideration for my time."  Whenever possible, view the proposed solution as a trial solution and check in later about whether it is working for both people. 

 

Bear in mind that what can seem like a request for a simple behavior change may actually demand fundamental shifts in the way the "changing" person views themselves and the world.  For example, calling when you are going to be late requires tracking the time and perhaps interrupting an unfinshed task, holding awareness of your own/your partner's needs in the face of another's demands, admitting you misjudged the amount of time something would take, facing your partner's disappointment, etc.  Depending on your temperament and learned coping styles, any number of these things might be very challenging.

 

Remember, you have a lot more power to change yourself than to change your partner, so don't forget to look for ways you can shift your perspective or gain flexibility (without invalidating your own experience).  If you are asking your partner to change, there are only two viable ways to encourage success.  1) Help them discover ways that the change benefits them directly (not just by making you happier).  2) Create an environment in which it is as easy as possible for them to behave in the requested way.  You have to learn about your partner in order to do either (surprise)!

 

 

 

Your conflict game plan: what do you want to stop doing?

Here are a bunch of ineffective things partners do to cope with conflict:

Abuse drugs	Always have to be right	Attack
Be condescending	Belittle	Be sarcastic
Blame	Break things	Bring in the kids
Bring up old issues	Cave (just to end the fight)	Change Subject
Close Mind	Compete	Comply
Criticize	Cry as trump card	Defend
Deny	Diagnose	Dismiss partner
Distract	Dominate	Drink too much
Escape to work	Expect mind reading	Get impatient
Get stubborn	Get violent	Humiliate
Intimidate	Interrupt	Judge
Keep secrets	Leave	Lie
Make fun of	Manipulate	Micromanage
Nag	Namecall	Pathologize partner
Play mind games	Pout	Provoke guilt
Put down other’s family	Reject	Shame my partner
Sulk	Stonewall	Tell my partner what s/he feels
Threaten	Try to mind read	Use contempt
Use my oppression as trump card	Use my past trauma as trump card	Use the silent treatment
Walk out without setting time out	Withdraw	Yell to drown each other out

Ask yourself:

What are 2 things I do during conflict that my partner finds challenging?

What is a strategy for handling this in the future that respects us both?

What are 3 things I want to stop doing during conflict with my partner?

Of the three, what is hardest for me to stop doing?  Where did I learn this behavior?  What is a strategy to help myself stop?

What are 2 things I want my partner to stop doing during conflict with me?

Of the two, what do I imagine is hardest for my partner to stop doing? 

Is there something I can do to create an environment in which it is easier for my partner to change this behavior?

 

Your conflict game plan: what do you want to start doing?

Here are some effective ways to approach conflict:

Getting your own clarity about your own thinking and feeling:  what is really bothering you, beneath the surface of your complaint?

Being clear about what you would like to happen: specifically, and framed as what you want (rather than don’t want).

Choosing a quiet, relaxed time and place for the conversation.

Using “I” statements, and feeling statements.

Listening carefully, without interrupting.  Checking that you understand, and asking questions to clarify (rather than as another means of arguing your case).

Taking agreed upon breaks to calm down if either person’s anger or anxiety is escalating.

Willingness to own the impacts of your behavior (as separate from your intentions) and apologize for negative impacts on your partner.

Willingness to compromise or agree to disagree after listening and being heard (as opposed to auto-pilot caving or auto-pilot refusing to be influenced).

After reviewing the above, ask yourself:

What are 3 things I want to start doing when I have conflict with a partner?

Of the three, what is hardest for me to do?  What is easiest?  What is a strategy to keep this in mind when I'm getting upset?

 

More tips for talking



Reflect on these questions before starting your dialogue:

Am I thinking of myself as victimized?

Do I feel negative emotions (fear, hurt, helpless, anxious, disgust, pain, sad, lonely, inadequate)

What ineffective actions to these thoughts and feelings tempt me to take? 

What makes it hard/scary for me?

How do I wish my partner would respond?

What makes it hard for my partner to respond this way?

What is it I want to say/find out? Why is that important to me?

What do I want? Why is it important to me?

You can help your partner hear you by:

Asking if it’s an okay time for them to listen.

Limiting yourself to a single topic and staying focused on that issue.

Being specific rather than vague, and saying why the topic is important to you.

Refraining from blame, criticism, accusations, and name calling.

Owning up to past ineffective behaviors.

 

Allow yourself some complexity:

There is often more than one feeling, and they may be conflicting.

Go deeper than the most surface feeling until you find some vulnerability

You can have your own feelings and desires and simultaneously hold concerns about their impact on your partner.

 

Remember you are not problem solving:

Recognizing and expressing a feeling, thought, or desire is not the same as making a decision or pushing a point of view.

 

Most importantly, be willing to learn more about yourself:

The goal is not “getting what you want” or extracting something from the other person, even though the process may lead to a request for something.

The goal is increasing your ability to express your own thoughts and feelings and tolerate differences. 

 

Watch out for these typical challenges:

Difficulty identifying or articulating feelings 

Difficulty holding your own desires (giving up too fast/over-adapting)

Bringing up too many issues at once

Demanding agreement or concessions (“I’ve told you how I feel, now do what I want.”)

Blaming – focusing on your partner instead of exploring yourself 

Not connecting the topic with a deeper understanding of yourself or couple dynamics

 

This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com

 

 

 

More tips for listening



Remember, it’s not about you:

Even when your partner talks about you, they are telling you about themselves.

It is up to you to manage your reactions: don’t interrupt, defend, argue, or cross-complain.

The existence of your partner’s separate experience does not erase yours (even if you are not getting to talk about it right now)

It is not your job to find solutions, it is your job to listen

 

Curiosity is the path to take:

Ask questions that help you understand your partner’s experience (not your own) in light of their own history.

 

You can ask yourself:

What’s the strongest feeling that I am hearing from my partner?

If I don’t include myself, if I don’t bring myself into it, even though my partner is talking about me, what do I hear my partner saying about him/herself?

Are there ways I can see my partner showing a desire for connection with me?

 

You can ask your partner:

What does this mean to you, or symbolize for you, beyond the concrete situation?

When did you first begin to feel concerned?

What are the benefits if this challenge is reasonably resolved to your satisfaction?

What is your main intention in bringing up this topic?

Here is the main point and the main feeling that I am getting.…is there anything you would add or correct?

 

Empathy (not problem-solving) is the goal:

Offer empathy more than once in order to demonstrate that you get it.

If you get stuck, then recapping is a good way to stay on track.

 

Watch out for these typical challenges:

Starting to problem solve or fix

Hearing blame even when partner is not blaming you in this moment

Getting defensive, talking about yourself instead of asking about partner 

Asking questions that have more to do with you than your partner (“What about me” or “What about the effect you think this has on me? When am I going to get to talk?” “Don’t you want to know my view?”)

Projecting your own meaning onto what your partner says instead of exploring their meaning 

Difficulty self-validating and self-soothing  (getting caught up in the other’s emotion)

Difficulty accessing empathy

 

 

This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com

 

Connecting through conflict, Part 4: when you shut down

Things to remind yourself when you are shutting down:

Your system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.

Overwhelm is never cured by adding more stimuli (in other words….take a break!)

I am overwhelmed ≠ My Partner is Overwhelming

My partner is disappointed ≠ I Am Disappointing

Let you partner know “I can feel that I am shutting down” AND “I know it can be hard for you when I disengage….I will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________”

When I feel like saying:

    It’s not reasonable of you to……

    You’re too needy/clingy/insecure…

    Leave me alone.

    I feel like there’s no room for me to…..

    I feel pressure from you to….

    You want too much from me.

I can think about this:

It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now. I am withdrawing or trying to get you to go away so that I don’t lose myself. This is uncomfortable (to put it mildly) so sometimes I might tell myself that you are putting me in this position and I get mad at you.

However, I am learning to deal with these reactions by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to change or pretend you don’t have feelings or desires.

Also:

Someone is mad                                                          I am bad

Someone is frustrated                    ≠                            I failed

Someone is disappointed                                            this relationship is unhealthy

Someone is sad                                                            my partner is going to leave me (or smother me)

Connecting through conflict, Part 5: when your partner shuts down

Things to remind yourself when your partner is shutting down :

A person’s system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.

My partner is overwhelmed ≠ I Am Overwhelming

It is okay to ask “are you starting to shut down?”  or “are you still shut down?”

I can let my partner know “it’s hard for me when you have to disengage, but I know you will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________.” 

When I feel like saying:

                You’re not emotionally available……

                You’re afraid of intimacy…

                I don’t want to take a break.

                I feel like there’s no room for me to…..

                You are not being supportive….

                You’re abandoning me.

I can think about this:

It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now.  When you disengage, it is hard for me to believe that you will come back and it is hard for me to believe you care about me and want to be with me.  Then still wanting the connection feels too vulnerable. I can feel mad and sad and like a sucker all at the same time.  I might disengage too.

However, I am learning to deal with these reactions  by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to pretend you are not overwhelmed or taking your overwhelm as a criticism or rejection of me.

Also:

Someone is mad                                                                       I am bad

Someone is frustrated                          ≠                                  I failed

Someone is disappointed                                                        this relationship is unhealthy

Someone is sad                                                                       my partner is going to leave me

The Art of Apology, part 1

An apology is a way to acknowledge when our behavior has had a negative impact on another person, to express regret over that impact, and to open the door to repair for any damage done to our relationships.  An apology is something that arises out of our genuine desire for these things, not something that is forced out of us.  It is not an expression of weakness, submission, or yielding to power or fears.  It is not an admission that we (as opposed to our behaviors) are unwanted or bad.  We do not have to invalidate ourselves or our experiences in order to recognize the experience of another.

Sometimes an effective apology is offered spontaneously, but it is often helpful to take a moment (or longer) to reflect before offering or requesting an apology.  We can describe our experience (e.g. I don’t like that) but resist the impulse to demand immediate action (“take that back right now!” or “you need to apologize to me”).

An apology that is given under pressure (to resolve conflict or please another) is less likely to be fully felt or accepted as genuine.  Before we offer an apology, we can internally reflect upon our own experience as well as the experience of the person we are apologizing to.  This can help us to be clear that we are expressing regret about the impact of our behavior, rather than swallowing a message that we are “bad.”  With reflection, we become less defensive.

When we want to receive an apology, we can reflect on why it is important to us.  What is theirs to own (e.g. their behavior and behavior patterns, the meaning they assign) and what is ours (the meaning we assign, the intensity added by past injuries that did not involve them)? We can try to recognize when we are too upset to really take in an apology, even if it is genuine. 

We can understand that when an action is “triggering,” self-soothing and self-validation will be needed, in addition to any apology, before we really feel better.  When we find ourselves micromanaging the delivery of an apology, it is a clue that we may be asking for more than even a genuine apology can deliver.

 

The Art of Apology, part 2

Apologies are effective when they successfully convey empathy for the impact of our behavior on the person receiving the apology.  In order to convey empathy, we must understand as much as we can about their experience, and this requires listening to them. 

Sometimes, we offer apologies in the hopes of avoiding or pre-empting listening, and having to sit with the evidence of the impact of our behavior.  Sometimes, we are in a hurry to defend ourselves (“I’m sorry, but…”) or erase the role our behavior plays in how another feels (“I get that it’s hard for you because of how you are”).  These apologies are more about our own discomfort than our empathy for another.  These kinds of apologies often come up when we are unable to see that acknowledging remorse or regret for the impact of our behavior is not the same as admitting that we, ourselves, are “bad” or unwanted. 

When we genuinely care about the impact of our behavior on others this shows empathy.  Empathy is the most effective way to soothe relational distress.  The authenticity of empathy is conveyed not only by our words but by our body language and facial expressions.  It is hard to fake.  Sometimes we need to invest time in reflection and self-validation before we can offer genuine empathy to another.

Bear in mind that there may be more going on than an apology alone can address.  Therefore, it is helpful to express our genuine empathy for its own sake, without expecting repair to be immediate or complete (“I said I was sorry, why are you still mad?”).

The more the behavior we regret arises out of our own challenges, the harder it is to feel confident that “it won’t happen again.”  While we try to have patience with our own growth processes, we can also recognize that an apology/regrettable behavior/apology cycle, dilutes the effectiveness of our apologies, even when we truly feel them.  When this is happening in a relationship, we want our reflection to go deep enough to understand something about the coping habit involved in the behavior we are trying to change.  This understanding may provide insight into ways to help ourselves make different behavioral choices in the future.

 

Proactive Maintenance

 Hello, dear readers! I’ve been busy with life and work for a long time, but I’ve still been learning about relationships and gathering up information to pass along to you. Hopefully I can post semi-regularly for a little stretch here and add to this library of resources for your relationships.

Lately, I’ve had quite a few couples I work with ask for some guidelines for keeping positive cycles going. In order to have a satisfying long-term relationship, we have to attend to both the connection, and our needs for the existence of our separate self.  I find it helpful to have a plan! Here is an example of a way to stay on top of things in this regard.  This sets a minimum standard that can always be expanded on as time and energy permit. It might be a good yearly exercise to make a draft plan with regard to each of the items below, and set up some way to check in with yourself regularly to see if you are following through.

Plans are wonderful, but we also have to pay attention to when we don’t feel like following them! If your plan has become difficult to implement, be curious about that. It is an important clue that something needs attending to.

	Relationship	Individual self
Daily	When you think something positive about your partner, say it out loud. Make spoken appreciations of each other part of your end-of-day routine. Find a way to relate to your partner as a sexual being (e.g., flirt, hold a kiss for at least 5 seconds).	Make a note of 3 positives from each day and say something positive to yourself about why they occurred. Make time for curiosity about yourself: to observe your own thoughts and feelings.
Weekly	Establish a routine anchor point for connecting (not processing) that happens at the same time each week. This could be anything from a date night, or weekend hangout, to 20 minutes of shared morning coffee on Fridays...depending on what you can realistically make happen consistently. Set and follow through on goals for communicating to your partner in their love language(s). Set and follow through on goals for sexual intimacy. Orgasm, eye contact, and close, face-to-face conversation are all bonding.	Establish a routine anchor point for spending time with yourself (and perhaps your inner child). This could be exercise, mindfulness practice, a long bath, time to read at a café, etc.
Monthly	Schedule as much of a day together as you can manage for shared fun.	Schedule as much of a full day as you can for a solo adventure or time with friends.
Quarterly	Schedule as much of a weekend (or 2 days) together as you can manage for shared fun. If possible, get yourself out of your habitual environments.	Consider a personal retreat that lasts more than a day, and that involves at least some solo time to take stock of how you are doing and how your important relationships are going. Is there any pattern of experience you are having that you are not acknowledging or sharing?
Yearly	Schedule a get-away that is just for you as a couple (not about visiting family). Give conscious attention to your connection and re-commit to your values of self-awareness, and open communication.	Schedule time with yourself to take stock of the highlights of the year. What were the moments where you experienced the most joy, peace, contentment, self-acceptance, connection? What was in the mix that made those moments possible?
Every 4 years	Have a significant new experience together and evaluate your routines. Look for ways to shake things up a little so that you stay awake to yourself and what interests and excites you about your partner.	Schedule time with yourself to consider whether there are experiences you want to have that you are talking yourself out of in some way. Are you curious about those barriers? Interested in what it would take to remove them? Challenge yourself to have courage.

 

Here is a list that has circulated the internet of the most common regrets people have when looking back on their lives. As you make a plan for yourself, think about how you want to be proactive so that these regrets don’t become yours:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself rather than to the expectations of others.
2. I wish I hadn’t devoted so much of my energy and time to work.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I’d let myself be happier.

Many of us have many demands on our time and energy. My wish for you is that, within whatever life is demanding of you, you can make the time to take care of yourself, and your most important relationships, and slow down enough to notice and savor the positive. This gets hard for a lot of people once parenting (and/or taking care of parents) is in the mix. You can try to work together, and call upon resources from outside the relationship to support you in getting that invaluable time together as a couple, and for each of your individual selves.

For the 70% of us who struggle to stay kind and generous

Here is a link to a recent article summarizing some of the research of the Gottman Institute on what makes for satisfying, long-term relationships: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?utm_content=bufferdc881&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

They boil it down to two main aspects that are present in the great relationships and absent in the miserable ones: kindness and generosity.  In the relationships characterized by kindness and generosity, almost 9 times out of 10, the partners respond to each other with openness, availability, interest, and enthusiasm. In the miserable couples, this is only happening about 3 times out of 10, and the rest of the time there is seeming-indifference, grouchiness, emotional stinginess, or critique.

Okay, it makes plenty of sense that the open, available, interested and enthusiastic people are having a good time, and the indifferent-seeming, grouchy, critical people are not.  But what do you do if you feel flat, grouchy or critical? Well, first of all, if you feel or act that way in your relationship, you are not alone. In fact, 70% of relationships wind up in this territory (and some think that’s underestimating it). People tend to find themselves in one of two places in any given relationship (though sometimes they experience both): the person who has the flat affect, or the person who gets mad at, and critical of their partner for being unresponsive.

So what do we do about it? Some thoughts on that follow, addressing each style in turn, with intentional repetition of the shared concepts.

The Flat Affect Partner

Why do I act like this? Why can’t I generate enthusiasm for the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of self-protective withdrawal.  My emotional system believes that I am under attack or otherwise in some sort of danger. I am responding like an armadillo, sea anemone, or possum: I shut down and close up shop on connection. I withdraw, distance, freeze. When I’m really escalated, I might stop being able to think or talk or move at all. This might be happening in response to perceived attacks from my partner, or other stressors.  At some point in my life, being open to connection was dangerous (at least emotionally if not physically), and I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and protect myself.  This self-protective reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound. 

So what can I do about it?

I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she is inherently dangerous to me.

I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain open in the face of stressors. I cannot expect an environment free of stressors or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does.  I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.

I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively withdraw and/or seek to retaliate in passive-aggressive ways). I have to learn how to attend to/track/notice my own thoughts, feelings and desires, and share these with my partner. I have to notice if I am depressed or overwhelmed and seek appropriate care. I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s upset without taking it as a message that I have failed or must fix it or disregard my own experience. My job is to care when my partner is upset, and be open to influence by knowledge of my partner’s experience. Not to take responsibility for his experience or bypass my own.

Okay, great, but how do I do that??

I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or overwhelmed and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the flee/freeze response and come back to my full self.  Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the openness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.

I can understand that this is a process.  Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours.  Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski.  I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results.  There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory. 

Specific Ideas for the Flat Affect Partner Under Attack

What do I do when I feel attacked by my partner?

First, I have to notice that I feel attacked and that my auto-pilot impulse is to withdraw, distance, or freeze. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:

1)      notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting defensive, shutting down, numb, paralyzed.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”

2)      take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)

3)      validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know that it might be hard/frustrating because you really want to connect/resolve this/talk to me. And I know that what feels like pressure or criticism to me can be you trying to ask me for connection.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only  showing empathy by taking a guess.

4)      offer reassurance to my partner that they matter, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this. You are important to me, and hearing you is important to me”, and

5)      set an anchor point (“I can check in with you in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow”).

Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am coming from a place of self-protection. I cannot be kind and generous and curious and enthusiastic if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.

I can try to remember that the times when I freeze/withdraw and my affect goes flat, or when I can’t think or talk, are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out goads my partner into pushing for a response from me…any response…even an angry one will feel better than this flat blank I present when I am frozen.

Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski. 

The Partner Protesting Flat Affect

Why do I act like this? Why do I experience contempt for and critique of the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of attachment panic.  My emotional system believes that I am about to experience an overwhelming, potentially life-threatening loss. I am responding like an infant whose rage sounds the alarm to rouse a non-responsive caregiver.  I demand connection, even if I have to attack to get it. At some point in my life, I learned that this was necessary to get appropriate care, and/or I learned to expect rejection and loss from people I love. I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and to look out for myself by protesting.  This protesting reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound. 

So what can I do about it?

I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she doesn’t love me.

I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain calm and loving in the face of clues that look like indifference. I cannot expect an environment free of challenges to my sense of worth, or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does.  I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.

I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively argue and attack). I have to learn how to step back and invite connection rather than demanding it. I have to notice if I am feeling bad about myself and seek appropriate care.  I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s flattened affect without taking it as a message that I am defective or unloved.  I can recognize that the flat affect is a response to old pain, gently invite my partner to notice, and let him know that I am here, and offering love.

Okay, great, but how do I do that??

I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or scared and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner without demanding and criticizing; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the fight/protest response and come back to my full self.  Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the kindness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.

I can understand that this is a process.  Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours.  Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski.  I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results.  There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory.

Specific Ideas for the Protesting Partner

What do I do when I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me?

First, I have to notice that I feel this and that my auto-pilot impulse is to complain or criticize. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:

1)      notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting hurt and angry.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”

2)      take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)

3)      validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know it can be hard for you to talk or get excited sometimes. I remember that what looks like indifference or rejection to me can mean you are overwhelmed or stressed or feeling like you can’t get it right.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only  showing empathy by taking a guess.

4)      offer reassurance to my partner that they are enough, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this without sounding critical. I want you to know that I accept and approve of you, even when there’s something I want us to try doing differently,” and

5)      set an anchor point (“I can check in in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow?”).

Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am focused on making him respond. I cannot be kind and generous and curious if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.

I can try to remember that the times when I am angry and critical are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out is a paralysis, where it becomes very difficult for her to think or speak like her usual self.

Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski.

I say all this to you, reader, not from a place of enlightenment and mastery, but as a novice who has done much reading and thinking and has all too few hours under her belt. We’re on the path together.

A tool for self-exploration about distress

Part of the journey we are all on in developing ourselves into people who can have satisfying, well-functioning relationships is to accept that, when we are upset, as much or more of our distress comes from unresolved wounds inside of us as from whatever is going on interpersonally in the moment. It is most helpful if we can take our upset as a cue to do an internal exploration, in addition to the exploration of how we want our partner to respond, and instead of attacking, appeasing, or hiding from our partners. And to try our best to undertake both explorations with an attitude of compassionate curiosity, rather than judgment, blame or critique.

This exercise, adapted from one in the book Undefended Love, is a helpful template for this sort of exploration.  When we have become upset, and there is not a present threat to our physical safety, we can remind ourselves that we are not in present danger, that we are whole people who make sense, and that we and our feelings and desires matter. Once we are feeling a little calmer, we can ask these questions in a conversation with ourselves, and then perhaps share what we learn with our partners as part of a joint exploration of how to work towards repair and resolution of what has been difficult.

1. What is my complaint about my partner?
2. What is my reaction? How do I feel when my partner is this way? What are the sensations in my body?
3. How is this familiar? When have I felt like this in the past (both in this relationship and before it)?
4. What familiar response is activated? Do I seek to challenge/convince my partner? Appease them? Shut down/leave/hide?
5. What is the vulnerable feeling underneath my reaction?
6. What is the familiar old belief underlying the vulnerable feeling? [here is the clue to the shame story…the beliefs we all have some version of that are our ways of worrying we aren’t or won’t be okay—what is the part that says, “aha, see! I was right all along. I knew…”]
7. What is the deep fear within this belief? What do I fear about the current situation?
8. What are the ways I try to be/present myself to counteract this fear?
9. What am I not telling my partner about what I want and how I feel?
10. Is there any way the situation seems to serve me (e.g. by allowing me to stay defended)?
11. What would happen if my partner just acted the way I want? How would they appear to me then? What are the feelings and sensations when I imagine that?
12. What, to the best of my imagination, would it be like for my partner to act the way I want? What might make it hard for them to do so? Are there ways I can make it easier?
13. If I let go of the story that my partner is wrong, what would I have to feel that I am avoiding now?
14. If my partner doesn’t change, how would I like to behave when I am upset about the complaint I started this exploration with?
15. What do I need to cultivate in myself in order to live up to my intentions for how I want to respond?
16. How might I have contributed to the situation I’m upset about?
17. What can I try to do differently next time?

Routine Relationship Maintenance Exercise

This is an exercise based off of a ritual taught by Sarah and Peter Sandhill at their couple’s workshops that I found especially powerful.

You can use just parts 1, 2 and 5 together as a shorter exercise in awakening and feeling your connection. This shorter version can be completed in 10 minutes, and is a lovely ritual to use when you reunite after the work day, or as part of a bedtime routine.  It may be particularly helpful as a bedtime routine when one partner goes to sleep earlier than the other. Sleep is a form of separation and when partners don’t fall asleep together, it can be subconsciously experienced by either or both as a sort of abandonment.  This ritual of connection can help with the transition into the separate space of sleep.

Expect to take 60-90 minutes to complete the full-length exercise, especially in the beginning. Once you are practiced and if you make the exercise a regular part of your relationship maintenance, you may complete it more quickly. Once you’ve had some practice with the three questions at the heart of the exercise, you might sometimes choose to open the door to all three at once by instead asking a question like “is there anything about what it’s been like to be you in this relationship that you’d like to share with me, so that I can know and care about it?”

Part One: Waking up the connection

The exercise begins with settling into your connection and waking up the attachment system with one to two minutes of eye-gazing. We naturally share this close, face-to-face, loving gaze with babies, and with our lovers in the beginning of our relationships, but as we become more familiar to each other (and more defended with each other), we can lose this valuable pathway to connection.

It can be difficult to look in both eyes at once, so rest your gaze on your partner’s left eye. If you find this uncomfortable, be kindly curious about that. What comes up for you? Is there anxiety? An instinct to hide? Does your partner’s gaze feel intrusive? Is there something you don’t want to see? Is there some way you don’t want to be seen? On the other hand, perhaps it feels relaxing or reassuring to share this gaze. 

Part Two: Creating safety

Each person places their left hand on their partner’s heart, and then takes their right hand and places it over their partner’s hand and their own heart.  From this place of physical connection of each person to both hearts, each partner offers those most crucial and basic of assurances: I respect you as you are, and I choose you as my person. 

As the Sandhills teach the exercise, the concept of “I respect you as you are” is conveyed by a mutual Namaste, and the words “I honor your heart, your body, and your soul’s journey.” Other ways of conveying this might be: “I want to see and accept you, just as you are” or “I respect you as a separate, and whole person.” Find words that feel genuine for you.

As the Sandhills teach the exercise, the concept of “I choose you as my person” is expressed as “you are my lover, my beloved, you are special, and I choose you.” Again, find words that feel genuine to you to convey that you want to be here, in this relationship, with this person.

Part Three: Finding what needs some love

This part of the exercise is a vulnerable and revealing exchange that brings content up to the surface that most of us stuff down only to have it later leak out in distorted or intensified ways. These are places where we need to be witnessed and cared about in our hurt, our fears, and our contributions. This is purposely placed after the steps of waking up the connection and the reminder that we get to be ourselves and be chosen at the same time.

Each partner will have a turn asking the other person the 3 questions. When it is your turn, you ask all three questions.

Question 1: What would you like me to apologize for?

It is crucial to understand that this question is not asked in a framework of blame or critique. You are not offering to feel blame, shame, that you are wrong or bad or not enough, too much, or “not doing it right.” What you are offering (and you can use these words instead or others that feel genuine to you) is an invitation for your partner to let you know about anything connected to you that has been painful for them. Where have they suffered? This is so both of you can bear witness to the suffering and show that you care about it.

Having this information may influence you to make changes, and that can be great if the changes are freely chosen, but that is not the agenda of the exercise. In fact, the apology can be for something that you can’t or won’t change, or can’t change yet. And that’s okay, because this is not a problem-solving conversation. You are not sharing with an agenda of getting the other person to be different. You are sharing for the purpose of being known in your subjective experience, whatever that actually is.

What a person wants an apology for is more information about them (their wants, desires, and wounds) than anyone else. The agenda of the exercise is to encourage you see each other.

If you find it difficult to offer a sincere apology, or difficult to genuinely say “I care about your suffering,” then the odds are high that there is some way in which it is seeming to you that caring more would have to involve making yourself feel bad or wrong. What would help you remove the thread of blame/shame that has crept in?

Question 2: What would you like me to forgive you for?

In a way, the tables have turned. If I am being asked the questions, I may have just been considering what is hard for me about my partner’s choices or incapacities. Now, I may consider what is hard for my partner about mine. Is there anything I feel guilt or shame about? Anything I fear or worry I will be judged for? Anything I’ve been feeling I have to hide?

And now, the person who has just received an apology is being asked to offer forgiveness. What if you cannot find it within you to freely give it? Offer kind curiosity to your resistance and see what is there. Is there some way you have not yet been witnessed enough in your suffering about this thing you’re being asked to forgive? Is there some way that forgiveness feels like erasing your own experience, blaming yourself or excusing behavior you object to? Forgiveness doesn’t require any of those things. It is about letting go of resentment and “payback,” and holding compassion alongside acknowledgment of pain.

Question 3: What would you like me to appreciate you for?

Now the person who has just revealed something they wanted forgiveness for, gets to ask for an appreciation, and thus has the opportunity to inquire within themselves about something they feel good about (or would like to feel good about) and would like to know their partner sees and values. It could be something you’ve done, some quality you like in yourself, or some place you are stretching and growing.

After the first person has asked all three questions, accepted an apology and offered forgiveness and appreciation, the second person takes their turn.

Part 4: Gratitude and tenderness

Hug and thank each other for participating in this process. Each partner gives the other gentle kisses on their face.  This is a lovely way of communicating that being brave and vulnerable, talking about things we are not proud of, and admitting where we would like recognition, praise or approval, does not jeopardize love and connection. We get to be ourselves and be loved at the same time.

Part 5: Basking in connection

As the last part of the exercise, the partners give each other’s bodies a further dose of the felt sense of the connection. Take turns as the receiver and the giver of affectionate caresses, a loving gaze, and words of affection that feel natural to you. Then, settle in with one partner spooning up behind the other.  The person in the back places one hand over their partner’s heart and the other at the top of their head. Then the partners synchronize breathing, with the partner in back following the lead of the person in front, taking gentle, full breaths.  Do this for at least a few minutes, and for as long as you’d like.