Here is a link to a recent article summarizing some of the research of the Gottman Institute on what makes for satisfying, long-term relationships: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?utm_content=bufferdc881&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
They boil it down to two main aspects that are present in the great relationships and absent in the miserable ones: kindness and generosity. In the relationships characterized by kindness and generosity, almost 9 times out of 10, the partners respond to each other with openness, availability, interest, and enthusiasm. In the miserable couples, this is only happening about 3 times out of 10, and the rest of the time there is seeming-indifference, grouchiness, emotional stinginess, or critique.
Okay, it makes plenty of sense that the open, available, interested and enthusiastic people are having a good time, and the indifferent-seeming, grouchy, critical people are not. But what do you do if you feel flat, grouchy or critical? Well, first of all, if you feel or act that way in your relationship, you are not alone. In fact, 70% of relationships wind up in this territory (and some think that’s underestimating it). People tend to find themselves in one of two places in any given relationship (though sometimes they experience both): the person who has the flat affect, or the person who gets mad at, and critical of their partner for being unresponsive.
So what do we do about it? Some thoughts on that follow, addressing each style in turn, with intentional repetition of the shared concepts.
The Flat Affect Partner
Why do I act like this? Why can’t I generate enthusiasm for the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of self-protective withdrawal. My emotional system believes that I am under attack or otherwise in some sort of danger. I am responding like an armadillo, sea anemone, or possum: I shut down and close up shop on connection. I withdraw, distance, freeze. When I’m really escalated, I might stop being able to think or talk or move at all. This might be happening in response to perceived attacks from my partner, or other stressors. At some point in my life, being open to connection was dangerous (at least emotionally if not physically), and I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and protect myself. This self-protective reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound.
So what can I do about it?
I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she is inherently dangerous to me.
I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain open in the face of stressors. I cannot expect an environment free of stressors or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does. I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.
I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively withdraw and/or seek to retaliate in passive-aggressive ways). I have to learn how to attend to/track/notice my own thoughts, feelings and desires, and share these with my partner. I have to notice if I am depressed or overwhelmed and seek appropriate care. I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s upset without taking it as a message that I have failed or must fix it or disregard my own experience. My job is to care when my partner is upset, and be open to influence by knowledge of my partner’s experience. Not to take responsibility for his experience or bypass my own.
Okay, great, but how do I do that??
I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or overwhelmed and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the flee/freeze response and come back to my full self. Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the openness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.
I can understand that this is a process. Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours. Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski. I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results. There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory.
Specific Ideas for the Flat Affect Partner Under Attack
What do I do when I feel attacked by my partner?
First, I have to notice that I feel attacked and that my auto-pilot impulse is to withdraw, distance, or freeze. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:
1) notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting defensive, shutting down, numb, paralyzed.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”
2) take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)
3) validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know that it might be hard/frustrating because you really want to connect/resolve this/talk to me. And I know that what feels like pressure or criticism to me can be you trying to ask me for connection.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only showing empathy by taking a guess.
4) offer reassurance to my partner that they matter, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this. You are important to me, and hearing you is important to me”, and
5) set an anchor point (“I can check in with you in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow”).
Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am coming from a place of self-protection. I cannot be kind and generous and curious and enthusiastic if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.
I can try to remember that the times when I freeze/withdraw and my affect goes flat, or when I can’t think or talk, are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out goads my partner into pushing for a response from me…any response…even an angry one will feel better than this flat blank I present when I am frozen.
Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski.
The Partner Protesting Flat Affect
Why do I act like this? Why do I experience contempt for and critique of the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of attachment panic. My emotional system believes that I am about to experience an overwhelming, potentially life-threatening loss. I am responding like an infant whose rage sounds the alarm to rouse a non-responsive caregiver. I demand connection, even if I have to attack to get it. At some point in my life, I learned that this was necessary to get appropriate care, and/or I learned to expect rejection and loss from people I love. I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and to look out for myself by protesting. This protesting reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound.
So what can I do about it?
I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she doesn’t love me.
I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain calm and loving in the face of clues that look like indifference. I cannot expect an environment free of challenges to my sense of worth, or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does. I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.
I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively argue and attack). I have to learn how to step back and invite connection rather than demanding it. I have to notice if I am feeling bad about myself and seek appropriate care. I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s flattened affect without taking it as a message that I am defective or unloved. I can recognize that the flat affect is a response to old pain, gently invite my partner to notice, and let him know that I am here, and offering love.
Okay, great, but how do I do that??
I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or scared and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner without demanding and criticizing; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the fight/protest response and come back to my full self. Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the kindness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.
I can understand that this is a process. Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours. Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski. I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results. There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory.
Specific Ideas for the Protesting Partner
What do I do when I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me?
First, I have to notice that I feel this and that my auto-pilot impulse is to complain or criticize. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:
1) notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting hurt and angry.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”
2) take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)
3) validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know it can be hard for you to talk or get excited sometimes. I remember that what looks like indifference or rejection to me can mean you are overwhelmed or stressed or feeling like you can’t get it right.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only showing empathy by taking a guess.
4) offer reassurance to my partner that they are enough, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this without sounding critical. I want you to know that I accept and approve of you, even when there’s something I want us to try doing differently,” and
5) set an anchor point (“I can check in in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow?”).
Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am focused on making him respond. I cannot be kind and generous and curious if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.
I can try to remember that the times when I am angry and critical are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out is a paralysis, where it becomes very difficult for her to think or speak like her usual self.
Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski.
I say all this to you, reader, not from a place of enlightenment and mastery, but as a novice who has done much reading and thinking and has all too few hours under her belt. We’re on the path together.
