Empathic Partner

Key Concept 1: The Four Steps

A lot of our experiences, including our conflicts, can be broken down into the following pattern:

Event àInterpretation (meaning assigned) àReaction (emotion) àAction/Decision

Here are some examples:

Event	Interpretation	Reaction	Action/Decision
Partner works late	She cares more about her job than about me	Anger, sadness, disappointment, feelings of rejection or abandonment, etc.	Confront her; hide feelings; act out
Partner yells during an argument	Violence will soon follow	Fear, anger, contempt	Leave, attack, placate
Partner wants daily check in calls during separation	He wants to control me	Fear of engulfment, anger	Confront him (tell him he’s being controlling/needy); hide feelings; evade calls
Partner wants alone time	She is rejecting me	Fear of rejection or abandonment, anger, sadness, disappointment	Confront her (tell her she’s being cold or insensitive to your needs); hide feelings; withdraw in retaliation
Partner fails to notice something (e.g. that I’m sad, overwhelmed, busy)	He doesn’t care; my needs are not important to him	Anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment	Confront him (If you really loved me you’d…); hide feelings; act out

We cannot change an event that has already happened, but our interpretation of events—that is, the meaning we assign to them—changes as our understanding of each other and relationship dynamics changes.  We cannot control our reactions—emotions are a primarily physiological process that happens automatically in response to our interpretation of events—but we can try to create some breathing room between our reaction and the action/decision so that there is time to take in more information and see that action/decision as a choice.

The meaning we assign to an event is partly about what is happening in the moment and partly (often more) about what our past experiences have taught us.  Often, the assignment of meaning happens without our consciously thinking about it, and therefore without any room for questioning it in the moment. 

Can you come up with at least one alternative interpretation for each event in the examples above? How might that change the reaction?  Does it suggest new choices for action/decision?  For example, another interpretation of the first event is that the partner’s working late has more to do with anxieties related to work than a devaluing of time with you.  This may allow a reaction of empathy to exist alongside feelings of disappointment.  This in turn suggests an action of sincerely asking the partner what is happening for/in her when the time she intended to leave arrives but she keeps working. 

The empathy that this exploration shows will in turn make it easier for her to hear your feelings of disappointment with less defensiveness, and allow you both to see that it is a difficult situation you are in together, in which both people are suffering.  Once both sides feel heard and empathized with, you can begin exploring and experimenting with solutions that are responsive to both the desire to be together and the need to cope with the work-related anxieties.

 

Key Concept 2: What you don't say can hurt you (Part 1).

When we think about healthy relationships, we imagine open and honest communication, and being loved for who we are.  Yet we often hide, censor, or spin things.   Why?

Below are some typical reasons people censor their thoughts and feelings (sometimes even from themselves).

Ø  Risk of humiliation, embarrassment, or being judged by our partner

Ø  Self-judgment (e.g. I shouldn’t, I’m unworthy, it’s selfish, or “messed up” (it’s my issues))

Ø  Risk of conflict (and fears of abandonment or other scary things)

Ø  Risk of hurting our partner’s feelings (or seeming unresponsive to them)

Ø  Pessimism/fatalism: it won’t make a difference if I speak up, and then I’ll feel worse

In addition to the ways we censor ourselves, we encourage censorship in our partners when we respond to something our partner shares by not taking it seriously, making accusatory statements (calling each other selfish, immature, pathological, weak), being abrupt, challenging, unsympathetic, or offering superficial advice.  

Unfortunately, while staying silent may spare us embarrassment or conflict in the moment, we are borrowing trouble for the relationship.  The more each partner hides or "protects" the other from information, the less each is in a “real” relationship.  Being in a relationship with an idea of you that is constructed from limited information (with the blanks filled in by your partner) is not at all the same as being in a relationship with you!  Ultimately, while a relationship run on censorship may feel “safe” or unthreatening, it is not very satisfying.

For more on these concepts, see Dan Wile’s “Couples Therapy: A Non-Traditional Approach.”

Key Concept 2: What you don't say can hurt you (Part 2).

In my last post, I talked about some of the reasons we keep thoughts and feelings hidden from our intimate partners, or even from ourselves.  In this post, I address some of the consequences.

 

When we don’t share thoughts and feelings, what do we do instead?

 

When we hide things from ourselves, we can have very strong feelings without really understanding why.  Then, when we argue based on those feelings (but without any underlying explanation for them) we can look pretty irrational.  Also, this kind of suppression is sometimes at the root of panic attacks and seemingly strange or rigid behaviors/ideas.  If you are not able to make sense of your partner’s reaction or attitude about something, suppression may be at work keeping vital information locked away.  

 

When we can’t talk about our own big doubts (e.g., can anyone really love me?), we may turn the anxiety into a spotlight on our partner’s behaviors instead (e.g., if only you wouldn’t work late; or any flavor of “if you really loved me, you’d…”).

 

When we can’t tell our partner what we want, we expect them to “mind read:”

Ø  We have vague hopes or expectations that our partner will “just know”   

Ø  We lay out “controversial” thoughts in obscure/semi-disguised ways and leave it to our partner to acknowledge them or not. 

Ø  Our partners are left to provide their own (often inaccurate) explanations for our behavior and guess about our desires.

Then, when we are faced with the inevitable disappointment created by the unrealistic expectation, we don’t recognize it and just know we feel withdrawn, angry, or lonely.

 

When we can’t say what we want and don’t want, we compulsively (and silently) compromise and suppress expectations, then hit a breaking point without our partner ever knowing it was building up. 

 

What happens to the feelings we tried to shove down or talk ourselves out of?

 

The feelings and desires we suppress will emerge later in distorted/exaggerated forms such as:

Ø  Sarcastic remarks, irritability, whining, eye-rolling

Ø  Harsh “truths” or ultimatums blurted out in an argument

Ø  Aggressive behaviors, tantrums, accusations

Ø  Clinging, pleading/longing looks

Ø  Intrusively demanding questions that imply criticism: “do you love me?” “Why don’t you ever______?”

 

Silence Creates Distance

 

Partners try to avoid conflict by carefully selecting what can and can’t be expressed.  Unfortunately, this:

Ø  Provides a constant undercurrent of impending emotional danger;

Ø  Cuts off partners from each other;

Ø  Undermines equality (one or both put in position of caretaking the other’s emotions); even the best unilateral efforts to solve are, by their nature, isolating;

Ø  Deprives you of the satisfaction and agency of expressing important relationship feelings;

Ø  Removes much of the spark, interest, and spontaneity from your interactions;

Ø  Eventually leaves you with little to say to each other.

 

Feelings/worries that partners keep from each other have a tendency to become increasingly preoccupying, pushing each of you into the isolation of your own thoughts.

 

Not being able to talk about flaws (“here is something I view as a flaw in myself and I worry you will not like me because of it") means your partner can’t integrate it, or become an ally in facing it. 

 

Not being able to say you don’t feel sexual/ intimate perpetuates feelings of distance/repulsion.  Being able to say it paradoxically frees up the possibility of more positive feelings.

 

For more on these ideas, see the books of Dan Wile, e.g. “After the Fight” or “After the Honeymoon.”

 

Key Concept 3: Love Languages

In order to have confidence in our relationships, we need to know we love and care for each other, desire and want to be with each other, and are important to one another.   But how do we know this?  

 

People communicate this in different ways.  More importantly, they hear it in different ways.  The acts or words that convince one person may be almost meaningless to another.  Therefore, it is important to know how your partner effectively hears the communication that they are loved, desired, and respected.

 

Think about when you feel loved and appreciated.  What is going on?  Chances are you are receiving a communication in one of the 5 Love Languages delineated by Gary Chapman (see www.garychapman.org): physical affection, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation.

 

For many people, one or two of these languages are vitally important and one or two are maybe nice to receive but don’t go very far toward making them feel loved.  For example, some people find words unconvincing (no matter how sweet) or feel indifferent or even opposed to gifts.  Some people worry that they are greedy if they want all 5, but I say those people make life easy because everything works to get the message across!

 

Find out about the love languages you and your loved ones “hear” best.  Take the online quiz at Gary Chapman’s site, or the adapted one below. 

 

5 Love Languages Quiz

 

For each pair of statements, circle the letter after the statement that most represents you.

 

1.     I like to receive notes or texts of affirmation from you.    W

    I like it when you hug me.     P

 

2.    I like to spend one-on-one time with you.   Q

    I feel loved when you give me practical help.    A

 

3.     I feel loved and appreciated when you give me little gifts.   G

    I like taking long walks together with you.     Q

 

4.     I feel loved when you do things to help me out. A

    I feel loved when you touch me.     P

 

5.    I feel loved when you hold me in your arms.    P

    I feel loved when I receive a present from you.    G

 

6.     I like to go places with you.   Q

    I like to hold hands with you.   P

   

7.     I feel loved and secure when you praise and affirm me.   W

    Gifts of love and appreciation are very important to me. G

 

8.     I like to sit close to you.   P

    I like for you to tell me I look good.    W

 

9.     I like to spend special time just with you.    Q

    I like to receive little treats from you after being separated.    G

 

10.   I know you love me when you help me get something done. A

    I know you love me when you tell me you accept and admire me.  W

 

11.   I relish significant time spent together.    Q

    I relish the kind words you say to me.     W

 

12.   I feel whole when we hold each other.     P

    What you do affects me more than what you say.   A

 

13.   I feel closer to you when you touch me often.   P

    I feel closer when we get to talk or doing something together.   Q

 

14.   I like you to compliment my achievements.   W

    I feel your love for me when you do things for or with me that

are not your favorite things to do. A

 

15. I like for you to touch me (however briefly) when you walk by me.  P

    I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism.    W

 

16.   I feel special and valued when I receive meaningful gifts from you.   G

    I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.    A

 

17. I feel loved when you compliment my appearance.    W

    I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings.    Q

 

18.   Your physical touch makes me feel loved and cared for. P

    Your acts of service make me feel loved and cared for.     A

 

19.   I appreciate the practical favors you do to help me through

the day.             A

    I appreciate cards and/or gifts that you make for me.   G

 

20.   I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your Q

undivided attention.   

    I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of   A

service for me.   

 

21.   I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift you know 

I want or need. G

    I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful

words (written or spoken). W

 

22.   I feel loved when you help me out with chores that are   A

overwhelming me.  

    I feel loved when you get me a treat after you know I’ve had    

a hard day.   G

 

23.   I appreciate it when you remember special days with a surprise

gift.     G

    I appreciate it when we remember special days with a trip or

    activity together. Q

 

 24. I appreciate it when you give time and listen patiently to me.   Q

    I appreciate it when you step in to help me get something done

when I am worn down. A

 

25.   I am excited when you kiss me unexpectedly.   P

    I am excited when you give me a gift for no special occasion.  G

 

26.   I like to be told that you appreciate me.   W

    I like for you to look at me when we are talking together.    Q

 

27. Gifts from you are always special to me. G

    Your warmth and physical touch make me feel better.   P

 

28.   I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate and

see me.     W

    I experience that you appreciate and see me when you generously

do random, helpful favors for me.     A

 

29. Several inexpensive treats can mean as much or more than one

expensive gift. I feel close and happy when I get them.  G

    I feel close and happy when you listen to me with empathy

and sympathy.   Q

 

30.   I feel connected when you touch or kiss me daily. P

    I feel connected when you give me words of affirmation daily.     W

 

 

 

 

Tally up your totals for each letter:

 

A (acts of service)

 

G (gifts)

 

P (physical affection)

 

Q (quality time)

 

W (words of affirmation)

 

---

What languages of love do you understand best (aka what makes you thrive)?

 

 

 

 

What languages of love do you think you tend to speak (aka give)?

 

Key Concept 4: Temperament, part 1

Understanding our own temperaments and the temperaments of those close to us helps us create and sustain healthy relationships. Temperament differences play out in all kinds of ways, in all kinds of relationships. And in the context of intimate relationships, many of us find ourselves with people who have temperaments that are different from our own.

 

For example, we see couples in which one person is very emotionally expressive while the other is emotionally reserved, or in which one person is very active while the other person is more calm and still, or in which one person loves jumping into new adventures and experiences while the other is more cautious and risk-averse. We see one partner feel “done” and want to leave the party just as the other is starting to enjoy the music and the crowd. We see couples in which one partner loves sleeping at 10PM and waking at 7AM bright eyed and ready to jog, while the other would naturally sleep at midnight and wake at 8 or 9, and who is painfully sensitive to sound and light for the first half hour of the day. 

 

Our personalities are complex, and we can develop ways of ignoring, suppressing, or amplifying our expression of our in-born personalities depending on how they are received by our families and social environments. While it’s possible to enjoy, overlook, or avoid personality differences and have a great time with someone for a while, over time these differences can become harder to sort out.

 

Temperament refers to an in-born dimension of personality that impacts how we perceive the world and our own first “natural” responses to those perceptions. Our temperament plays a role in how we respond to common experiences of everyday life—and to how we interpret and react to others’ responses that are different from our own. Understanding temperament can help us manage (or even steer clear of) certain common conflicts.

 

The elements of temperament we’ll explore here over the next few posts are:

1. Persistence
2. Sensitivity
3. Adaptability
4. Intensity
5. Regularity
6. Activity Level
7. First Reaction

 

They are elements of personality that impact our individual approaches to everyday life: to family, friends, fun, work/career, parenting, relaxation, stress, errands and responsibilities, accomplishments, celebration, unexpected changes, etc. When we understand temperament we understand our own experience better, improve our ability to predict some of our potential triggers, and expand our acceptance of what is “normal” in our selves and others.

 

Unfortunately, in a lot of relationships differences in temperament are not accepted without judgment. This is especially the case in unequal relationships, e.g., parent and child, boss and employee, or in an intimate partnership where one person is always treated as less than the other. The person in power tends to think of their way as “right” and the way of the other person as wrong, pathological, irritating, or irrelevant, and expect them to change or conform. In this kind of environment, connection becomes increasingly challenging, and conflict or contempt becomes ever-present, be it at the surface or just below.

 

Conflict over temperament differences can be compounded when certain temperaments are culturally valued and others devalued (at best) or openly ridiculed or punished (at worst). Different cultures (family cultures, media, dominant cultural practices within ethnic groups, work cultures, gendered aspects of culture, etc.) support or normalize different traits. For example, a culture might define high persistence as a valuable and respected trait in general or for men, and consider it stubborn when exhibited by women. Or high sensitivity (to taste, sound, sight, etc.) might be valued in one culture or cultural context and considered finicky or weak in another.

 

A different way is possible! We can learn about temperament and develop more compassion for each other. When two people recognize their temperament differences and accept them as equally valid (rather than one being better or more normal than the other) we are more likely to negotiate an arrangement that works.

 

As you learn about temperament, resist assigning inherent good or bad value to any of its elements. Each temperament trait can offer strengths and challenges depending on the situation.

Key Concept 4: Temperament, part 2

Below is a review of each of the classic elements of temperament followed by a 1-5 spectrum on which you can place yourself. Try not to think about what you “should be,” or how you “should respond,” or how you wish you were. You may find it interesting to consider how temperament differences were handled in your family of origin, and how your reaction to those experiences plays out in your intimate relationships.

 

1.    Persistence

When you are involved in a task, how do you feel about being interrupted?  If someone tells you “no,” does it make you want to push harder? When you have to stop before the task is “done,” how do you feel?

 

Low Persistence				High Persistence
1	2	3	4		5

       

Possible Traits of Someone Who is Low Persistence:  Easy going, but can have a hard time following through or completing things, or can have a hard time holding the line about things.

 

Possible Traits of Someone Who is High Persistence: Committed to goals, able to give full attention, willing to “fight” to be able to keep trying or finish, but can respond to interruptions with irritation, may miss other’s cues, has a hard time being flexible, and has a hard time feeling they’ve done a good job if nothing is fully completed.

 

2.    Sensitivity

How aware are you of sights, sounds, smells, textures or tastes? Do noises irritate you? Do you notice subtle changes in lighting or temperature? Do you get overwhelmed when there is too much to look at? Do you have a hard time with textural differences (i.e. of your clothes, sheets, food, etc.)? Note: We can be really sensitive about some things (i.e. sound) and less sensitive about others (i.e. sights).

 

Low Sensitivity				High Sensitivity
1	2	3	4		5

 

Possible Low Sensitivity Traits: Not easily irritated or overwhelmed by sensory stimuli; can enjoy amusement parks, crowds, Home Depot; can wear clothes of any texture; rarely notices moderate changes in temperature; easy to stay calm and focused; often have trouble believing or being patient with what it’s like for people with high sensitivity; can overload sensitive people.

 

Possible High Sensitivity Traits: Easily irritated or overwhelmed by sensory stimuli including crowded stores, crying children, loud bars or parties, clutter, highly decorated classrooms (visual stimuli);  particular about how clothing feels; finds it very hard or impossible to focus on other things in the midst of sensory stimuli; probably often told “too sensitive” or picky which may result in frustration with self and attempts to “tough it out” until overwhelmed; usually needs awareness and practice to recognize when to take a break before overwhelm; Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kids often (some say always) have high sensitivity.  Stress tends to push people higher on the spectrum.

 

 

3.    Adaptability

How easily do you shift from one activity or idea to another?  How do you feel about surprises or changes in schedule or plan?

 

 

Low Adaptability				High Adaptability
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Adaptability: Organized; predictable; has an easy / comfortable time establishing routines; fights against feeling rushed or surprised; unlikely to overlook transitions; may judge adaptable people as unpredictable or unreliable.

 

Possible Traits of High Adaptability: Flexible, good for in-the-moment problem-solving, may not even perceive some transitions, may be triggered by those who need longer transition time, may judge those who need or thrive on a schedule as controlling, may have trouble with follow-through or be experienced as highly distractible.

 

4.    Intensity

How strong are your emotional reactions (what you feel, not necessarily what you do or how much you show it)?

 

 

Low Intensity				High Intensity
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Intensity (milder emotion): Not emotive, may be described by other people as especially calm, not easily triggered by others’ feelings or intensity, not easily frustrated, may have a hard time empathizing with higher intensity emotions, may judge those who show more emotion in any variety of ways.

 

Possible Traits of High Intensity (more intense emotion): Experiences emotions deeply, passionately, with zest; has a hard time “letting go” of emotions (may have experienced others trying to convince to “let it go and move on;” has to work harder not to get triggered by others; can experience and judge low intensity people as “emotionally flat” or “Spock-like.”

 

5.    Regularity

Do you like/need to sleep or eat at regular times? Do you get thrown off (i.e. irritated, upset, stressed) when your regular day-to-day schedule changes?

 

 

Low Regularity				High Regularity
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Regularity (flexible): Irregularity is okay, can wait to eat or sleep; has an easier time traveling or adjusting to others’ schedules (i.e. if friends or family are visiting, if someone is ill, etc.).

 

Possible Traits of High Regularity: Routines give a sense of security and reliability; bodily functions are more regular/on-schedule; feels a range of stress/anxiety/irritation if schedule is disrupted; can physically feel quite bad if sleep schedule or meal schedule changes; with entitlement can expect others to adapt to their schedule regardless of others’ temperament.

 

Each can have a very hard time understanding and being patient with the other.

 

 

6.    Activity Level

How active are you? This is not just about exercising or working out. What amount of activity makes you feel good? When you want to “unwind,” “take it easy,” or “relax,” do you want to go for a jog, or lie down and watch a movie? What level of activity at work or home makes you feel invigorated? What level of activity makes you feel exhausted or overwhelmed?

 

 

Low Activity Level				High Activity Level
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Activity: Easy to sit still for long periods of time; might need or crave quiet still time; can take or leave physical exercise; likes to stroll rather than walk briskly; generally laid back; a rejuvenating vacation involves free time and lounging; enjoys single activities but not three scheduled in a row; finds high activity people (and their activities) exhausting.

 

Possible Traits of High Activity: Fidgety, needs regular exercise; prefers to walk briskly; not easily overwhelmed by lack of “down time;” likes to pack the schedule with things to do; feels antsy and stir crazy when stuck in the house too long; a rejuvenating vacation involves many activities; can have a hard time stopping, focusing, or being still; finds low activity people boring or judges them as lazy.

 

7.    First Response (Approach or Withdrawal)

What is your characteristic first response to a new idea, place, thing, or activity? Does it feel natural to wait and observe before jumping in, or does it feel easy and natural to throw yourself into the new experience?

 

 

Low (Cautious) First Response			High (Jump in) First Response
1	2	3		4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low (Cautious) First Response: Needs time to decide; watches before joining; less able to focus for a longer period of time when in a new environment; can judge high first response people to be careless, reckless, anxiety-producing, or exhausting.

 

Possible Traits of High (Jump-In) First Response: Quick to decide likes and dislikes; jumps at any chance for something new; joins in quickly; no noticeable (or at least negative) physiological reaction to newness; may move too quickly for their cautious counterparts or judge them as overly cautious or constrained by fear.

 

Adapted by Shawna Sodersten and Orchid Pusey from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s © 2000 “Kids, Parents and Power Struggles,” Chapter Eight: “Why You Blow: Understanding Your Temperament.”

 

Temperament Tool: How does it play out in your relationship?

Learning about temperament can help us understand and navigate diversity and difference in our relationships. It helps us understand why certain situations make us comfortable or cranky. It helps us gain insight into why those around us experience the crowded party or the trip to Costco or the sudden change in meeting schedule in the ways that they do. It helps us know what kinds of environments or situations support us in being our best selves.  It helps us accept and talk about our experiences, reduce conflict, and come up with strategies that make life together better.

Think of someone you are in an intimate relationship with, or someone that you spend a lot of time with, and circle where you think they fall on a 1-5 spectrum for these elements of temperament, with 1 being “very low” and 5 being “very high.” (If possible, get them to rank themselves!) Compare the two. What do you notice? Where are the similarities and differences? How do you two handle your temperament differences?

  

Aspect	Me	Name:
Persistence	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Sensitivity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Adaptability	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Intensity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Regularity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Activity Level	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
1st Response	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5

Is there one aspect of the person’s temperament that is hard for you, or that makes you easily irritated or judgmental? Is there an aspect of your temperament that you feel the other person does not accept or expects you to change? (It could be a constant conflict or one that flares up every once in a while under certain conditions). Below are some prompts to get you thinking about how to apply this information on temperament into your own life.

1. A temperament difference between us that is sometimes challenging is:

2. One aspect of _______’s temperament that I get impatient or judgmental about is:

 

3. Conflict flares up around this difference between the two of us when:

4. I could say this to myself as a way to increase my empathy and reduce my impatience:

5. One aspect of my temperament that I wish _______ could be more understanding about is:

6. One way (or time) I can communicate about this with ________ so we can work together to try to change the factors that contribute to the conflict is:

 

Connecting through conflict: part 3

The last step in resolving a conflict is to plan for how to proceed.   It is difficult to do this without doing parts 1 and 2 first, because those steps involve information sharing that is key to developing workable solutions.

 

When you begin floating ideas about solutions, bear in mind that a workable solution must reflect the validity of each partners' subjective experience of the situation.  A solution that only attends to one partner's desires/fears/opinions is unlikely to be sustainable.  It also helps to frame solutions as positives (what you want rather than what you don't want).

 

If you are requesting a behavior change of yourself or your partner, make sure it is concrete and specific, and builds in an acknowledgement that no one is 100% consistent.  For example, "I'm asking you to call me when you'll be late at least 80% of the time" works better than "call me if you'll be late," and much better than "show more consideration for my time."  Whenever possible, view the proposed solution as a trial solution and check in later about whether it is working for both people. 

 

Bear in mind that what can seem like a request for a simple behavior change may actually demand fundamental shifts in the way the "changing" person views themselves and the world.  For example, calling when you are going to be late requires tracking the time and perhaps interrupting an unfinshed task, holding awareness of your own/your partner's needs in the face of another's demands, admitting you misjudged the amount of time something would take, facing your partner's disappointment, etc.  Depending on your temperament and learned coping styles, any number of these things might be very challenging.

 

Remember, you have a lot more power to change yourself than to change your partner, so don't forget to look for ways you can shift your perspective or gain flexibility (without invalidating your own experience).  If you are asking your partner to change, there are only two viable ways to encourage success.  1) Help them discover ways that the change benefits them directly (not just by making you happier).  2) Create an environment in which it is as easy as possible for them to behave in the requested way.  You have to learn about your partner in order to do either (surprise)!

 

 

 

Key Concept 5: The Triune Brain, part 1 (Why do I keep doing that?)

What are some ineffective ways to communicate?  Blame, judgment, sarcasm, giving the cold shoulder, interruption, name calling, “you always”/"you never”, and debating what is “normal” or “healthy”…..they have one thing in common: they don’t work. 

Why do couples keep doing these things when, at some level, they know they are ineffective?   It has to do with how our brains operate.    

Actually, we have 3 brains in one.  The part we think of as our brain (the part that consciously thinks) is the most recent in evolutionary terms.  We can call it our human brain.  We also have a mammalian brain.  This part of the brain does not think beyond the principle of “avoid pain, repeat pleasure.”  This part of the brain carries out that principle by constantly scanning the environment for clues about impending pain or pleasure.  The last component is our reptilian brain.  This handles automatic functions (like breathing and keeping your heart beating) and also the survival system of fight, flee, freeze, or submit.

Once danger is detected by the mammalian brain, the human brain has only seconds to call off the alarm before the reptilian brain survival system takes over the whole show.  As we try to understand our behavior in relationships, it is important to recognize that the mammalian brain does not distinguish much between physical and emotional pain.  In fact, the part of your brain that activates when you experience physical pain is the same part that activates when you feel rejected, criticized, shamed, embarrassed, put down or humiliated[1].

When these things happen to us, our brains store those memories in a special way and then use them as templates or patterns to try to recognize and avoid similar experiences.   When memory is stored in this way, it is not recalled but re-experienced as if happening now.  It feels like the prior pain could return at any time because it is still living in your brain as a present threat.   This is why you can’t just force yourself to “get over it” (though you might suppress your conscious awareness of it). 

The “painful pattern” recognition part of your brain functions without your conscious awareness or control.  It’s like a reflex.  Once the mammalian brain has become convinced of something (e.g., dog = danger) it does not like to take the risk of considering new ideas (e.g., some dogs ≠ danger).  If you are afraid of flying or dogs or people yelling, someone pointing out the safety statistics about flying or the non-violent nature of a particular dog or yeller isn’t going to make you feel much better.

Even though the mammalian brain is not sophisticated at thinking, it is very sophisticated at scanning the environment for its perception of danger.  This reflex can be set off by any of your senses and it reacts quickly…in about a quarter of a second.  If the pattern is detected, it sends out a red alert.  Your frontal cortex has about 6 seconds (less if you’ve been traumatized) to call off the alarm before your body begins to flood with adrenaline and cortisol as part of priming you to fight or flee.

This is what is happening when someone is “triggered.”  Your human brain has gone off-line, your mammalian brain is sounding the alarm, and your reptilian brain is looking for the fastest possible method to escape pain.  Unfortunately, our “go to” methods of getting relief are usually to try to dominate (fight) or disengage (flee), and these actions will likely trigger our partners.  Almost always, under all the ineffective things that couples do are efforts to get relief from feelings of fear, pain, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy or insecurity.  It helps to remember this: when it comes to humans, every form of attack is actually a defense.

 

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[1] the anterior cingular cortex

Key Concept 5: The Triune Brain, part 2 (Stopping a runaway train)

The reptilian brain’s push to avoid pain can be so strong that it overrides our goals for our relationships and ourselves.  We fight (blame, criticize, judge, or worse) and flee (shut down, withhold, avoid, hide, leave) even though these things are counterproductive to having the relationship we want.

Sometimes your protection system even hurts you directly (via an internal critic that puts you down or predicts doom) to avoid what it sees as an even bigger threat from the outside.  For example, you may have pledged to be open with your partner, but if (like most of us) your protection system has developed a belief that openness leads to rejection/humiliation, it may produce an internal critic with a whole bag of tricks to censor you.

Luckily, our mammalian brains are also geared to seek pleasure, and some of the things we are hard-wired to experience as pleasure include connection with others, and being known and accepted.  That’s why we keep trying.    

When you understand the 3-part brain, you can try to remember that when your partner reacts in a way that you don’t like (e.g. they shut down, leave, yell, or try to invalidate you), it is because their protection system is activated.  Anytime you feel your partner’s message to you is that you are unloved, uncared for, or unimportant, your protective system is activated as well.

An activated protection system is like a runaway train.  You don’t stop it by jumping in front of it and yelling “stop!”  You have to get on board the train in order to slow it down to a halt.  This means acknowledging to yourself and accepting that your system feels threatened as the first step (getting on the train).  Then give yourself the time and space needed to calm down your system enough to engage your human brain again.  Then evaluate the threat and decide how to act in a way that is consistent with your goals for the relationship and for yourself.

Often this will mean taking an actual break from the conversation that was becoming (or became) a fight.  If stopping the conversation feels hard, acknowledge that, and always set a time to check back in.  When you try again, consider using the listening and conflict resolution skills and tools you have picked up here from other posts.  The more you are able to show genuine curiosity and empathy about each other’s experience, the better your chances for resolving whatever it was that upset you.

Couples Therapy, part 1

Developed with reference to “How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy” by Ellen Bader, Ph.D and Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from the Professional Collection at CouplesInstitute.com.

The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy works when you apply new knowledge to interrupt ineffective patterns and develop better ones.  During therapy, you develop a shared understanding of what happens in your relationship, and learn to respond to each other more effectively and without violating your own core values or deeply held principles.

Key tasks of couples therapy include increasing your clarity about:
.The relationship you want
.The choices and behaviors that are consistent with having the relationship you want; and
.Where and why it gets hard to make those choices and engage in those behaviors

The hard work of great relationships:

Putting in the time. It takes time to create a great relationship: time to be together, time to be with family/community, time for shared fun and relaxation, time to coordinate and plan.  It can feel hard to make this time if there are competing pressures (e.g. children, work, and your own individual development).

Leaving your comfort zone. This work requires you to be brave: both when you share information about yourself with your partner, and when you listen to what they tell you about themselves.  In addition, therapy involves exploring what happens when you are each at your worst: no one’s favorite topic. 

Owning your part.  People often enter couple’s therapy focusing on a problem they see in their partner.  However, each of you will be called upon to examine your assumptions and your coping strategies, and how these impact your interactions with each other.  Ultimately, you will each confront the reality that you can effect change only within yourself and through creating an environment that supports the relationship you want. 

Getting the most out of sessions:

As you work with a therapist to map out the recurring patterns and cycles of conflict or distance in your relationship, the starting point will sometimes be a specific issue you have identified, or a fight you’ve gone through.  However, keep in mind that these are not “the problem” but symptoms of an overall pattern you are trying to understand and rework. 

 

In order to keep your focus on this bigger picture of the relationship, it is helpful for each person to do the following before each session:

1. Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
2. Think about the next step you can undertake that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.

Couples therapy, part 2

Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships

The following ideas can help identify areas of focus in therapy and/or stimulate discussion between you and your partner between meetings. If you periodically review this list, you will discover that your reflections and associations will change over time. 

Attitude is Key

If you find that you don’t feel like taking a positive attitude, that is a clue that you are in a pattern of feeling compelled to censor or hide some of your thoughts or feelings.   People typically censor thoughts or feelings 1) to avoid criticism or invalidation from others, 2) because they are judging themselves for having them, 3) to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, or 4) to avoid getting into a fight.

How to think differently about a problem is often more effective than just trying to figure out what action to take.  What meaning have you been assigning to the situation?  Are alternative interpretations possible?  Your perspective is likely to change when you understand more about yourself and your partner. 

It is highly likely that you have some flawed assumptions about your partner's motives. And that he/she has some flawed assumptions about yours. The problem is, most of the time we don't want to believe our assumptions are flawed.  Often, those assumptions are tied to the ways we have learned to make sense of the world.  Challenging that framework is scary. 

Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner

Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner.  Accepting that there are places where you will need to change your response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it) is often the biggest hurdle. Very few people want to focus on changing their response. It's more common to build a strong case for why the other should do the changing. 

As you form your own goals for the therapy and your relationship, remember that effective goals:

1. Require some self-reflection and self-confrontation (what is your part of the problem?)
2. Are clearly stated and involve action/behavior
3. Tangibly benefit you (not just your partner)
4. Are individually focused (not dependent on what someone else does)
5. Are framed as positive (what I want, not what I don’t want)

Connecting through conflict, Part 4: when you shut down

Things to remind yourself when you are shutting down:

Your system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.

Overwhelm is never cured by adding more stimuli (in other words….take a break!)

I am overwhelmed ≠ My Partner is Overwhelming

My partner is disappointed ≠ I Am Disappointing

Let you partner know “I can feel that I am shutting down” AND “I know it can be hard for you when I disengage….I will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________”

When I feel like saying:

    It’s not reasonable of you to……

    You’re too needy/clingy/insecure…

    Leave me alone.

    I feel like there’s no room for me to…..

    I feel pressure from you to….

    You want too much from me.

I can think about this:

It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now. I am withdrawing or trying to get you to go away so that I don’t lose myself. This is uncomfortable (to put it mildly) so sometimes I might tell myself that you are putting me in this position and I get mad at you.

However, I am learning to deal with these reactions by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to change or pretend you don’t have feelings or desires.

Also:

Someone is mad                                                          I am bad

Someone is frustrated                    ≠                            I failed

Someone is disappointed                                            this relationship is unhealthy

Someone is sad                                                            my partner is going to leave me (or smother me)

Connecting through conflict, Part 5: when your partner shuts down

Things to remind yourself when your partner is shutting down :

A person’s system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.

My partner is overwhelmed ≠ I Am Overwhelming

It is okay to ask “are you starting to shut down?”  or “are you still shut down?”

I can let my partner know “it’s hard for me when you have to disengage, but I know you will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________.” 

When I feel like saying:

                You’re not emotionally available……

                You’re afraid of intimacy…

                I don’t want to take a break.

                I feel like there’s no room for me to…..

                You are not being supportive….

                You’re abandoning me.

I can think about this:

It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now.  When you disengage, it is hard for me to believe that you will come back and it is hard for me to believe you care about me and want to be with me.  Then still wanting the connection feels too vulnerable. I can feel mad and sad and like a sucker all at the same time.  I might disengage too.

However, I am learning to deal with these reactions  by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to pretend you are not overwhelmed or taking your overwhelm as a criticism or rejection of me.

Also:

Someone is mad                                                                       I am bad

Someone is frustrated                          ≠                                  I failed

Someone is disappointed                                                        this relationship is unhealthy

Someone is sad                                                                       my partner is going to leave me

Proactive Maintenance

 Hello, dear readers! I’ve been busy with life and work for a long time, but I’ve still been learning about relationships and gathering up information to pass along to you. Hopefully I can post semi-regularly for a little stretch here and add to this library of resources for your relationships.

Lately, I’ve had quite a few couples I work with ask for some guidelines for keeping positive cycles going. In order to have a satisfying long-term relationship, we have to attend to both the connection, and our needs for the existence of our separate self.  I find it helpful to have a plan! Here is an example of a way to stay on top of things in this regard.  This sets a minimum standard that can always be expanded on as time and energy permit. It might be a good yearly exercise to make a draft plan with regard to each of the items below, and set up some way to check in with yourself regularly to see if you are following through.

Plans are wonderful, but we also have to pay attention to when we don’t feel like following them! If your plan has become difficult to implement, be curious about that. It is an important clue that something needs attending to.

	Relationship	Individual self
Daily	When you think something positive about your partner, say it out loud. Make spoken appreciations of each other part of your end-of-day routine. Find a way to relate to your partner as a sexual being (e.g., flirt, hold a kiss for at least 5 seconds).	Make a note of 3 positives from each day and say something positive to yourself about why they occurred. Make time for curiosity about yourself: to observe your own thoughts and feelings.
Weekly	Establish a routine anchor point for connecting (not processing) that happens at the same time each week. This could be anything from a date night, or weekend hangout, to 20 minutes of shared morning coffee on Fridays...depending on what you can realistically make happen consistently. Set and follow through on goals for communicating to your partner in their love language(s). Set and follow through on goals for sexual intimacy. Orgasm, eye contact, and close, face-to-face conversation are all bonding.	Establish a routine anchor point for spending time with yourself (and perhaps your inner child). This could be exercise, mindfulness practice, a long bath, time to read at a café, etc.
Monthly	Schedule as much of a day together as you can manage for shared fun.	Schedule as much of a full day as you can for a solo adventure or time with friends.
Quarterly	Schedule as much of a weekend (or 2 days) together as you can manage for shared fun. If possible, get yourself out of your habitual environments.	Consider a personal retreat that lasts more than a day, and that involves at least some solo time to take stock of how you are doing and how your important relationships are going. Is there any pattern of experience you are having that you are not acknowledging or sharing?
Yearly	Schedule a get-away that is just for you as a couple (not about visiting family). Give conscious attention to your connection and re-commit to your values of self-awareness, and open communication.	Schedule time with yourself to take stock of the highlights of the year. What were the moments where you experienced the most joy, peace, contentment, self-acceptance, connection? What was in the mix that made those moments possible?
Every 4 years	Have a significant new experience together and evaluate your routines. Look for ways to shake things up a little so that you stay awake to yourself and what interests and excites you about your partner.	Schedule time with yourself to consider whether there are experiences you want to have that you are talking yourself out of in some way. Are you curious about those barriers? Interested in what it would take to remove them? Challenge yourself to have courage.

 

Here is a list that has circulated the internet of the most common regrets people have when looking back on their lives. As you make a plan for yourself, think about how you want to be proactive so that these regrets don’t become yours:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself rather than to the expectations of others.
2. I wish I hadn’t devoted so much of my energy and time to work.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I’d let myself be happier.

Many of us have many demands on our time and energy. My wish for you is that, within whatever life is demanding of you, you can make the time to take care of yourself, and your most important relationships, and slow down enough to notice and savor the positive. This gets hard for a lot of people once parenting (and/or taking care of parents) is in the mix. You can try to work together, and call upon resources from outside the relationship to support you in getting that invaluable time together as a couple, and for each of your individual selves.

For the 70% of us who struggle to stay kind and generous

Here is a link to a recent article summarizing some of the research of the Gottman Institute on what makes for satisfying, long-term relationships: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?utm_content=bufferdc881&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

They boil it down to two main aspects that are present in the great relationships and absent in the miserable ones: kindness and generosity.  In the relationships characterized by kindness and generosity, almost 9 times out of 10, the partners respond to each other with openness, availability, interest, and enthusiasm. In the miserable couples, this is only happening about 3 times out of 10, and the rest of the time there is seeming-indifference, grouchiness, emotional stinginess, or critique.

Okay, it makes plenty of sense that the open, available, interested and enthusiastic people are having a good time, and the indifferent-seeming, grouchy, critical people are not.  But what do you do if you feel flat, grouchy or critical? Well, first of all, if you feel or act that way in your relationship, you are not alone. In fact, 70% of relationships wind up in this territory (and some think that’s underestimating it). People tend to find themselves in one of two places in any given relationship (though sometimes they experience both): the person who has the flat affect, or the person who gets mad at, and critical of their partner for being unresponsive.

So what do we do about it? Some thoughts on that follow, addressing each style in turn, with intentional repetition of the shared concepts.

The Flat Affect Partner

Why do I act like this? Why can’t I generate enthusiasm for the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of self-protective withdrawal.  My emotional system believes that I am under attack or otherwise in some sort of danger. I am responding like an armadillo, sea anemone, or possum: I shut down and close up shop on connection. I withdraw, distance, freeze. When I’m really escalated, I might stop being able to think or talk or move at all. This might be happening in response to perceived attacks from my partner, or other stressors.  At some point in my life, being open to connection was dangerous (at least emotionally if not physically), and I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and protect myself.  This self-protective reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound. 

So what can I do about it?

I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she is inherently dangerous to me.

I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain open in the face of stressors. I cannot expect an environment free of stressors or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does.  I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.

I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively withdraw and/or seek to retaliate in passive-aggressive ways). I have to learn how to attend to/track/notice my own thoughts, feelings and desires, and share these with my partner. I have to notice if I am depressed or overwhelmed and seek appropriate care. I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s upset without taking it as a message that I have failed or must fix it or disregard my own experience. My job is to care when my partner is upset, and be open to influence by knowledge of my partner’s experience. Not to take responsibility for his experience or bypass my own.

Okay, great, but how do I do that??

I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or overwhelmed and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the flee/freeze response and come back to my full self.  Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the openness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.

I can understand that this is a process.  Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours.  Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski.  I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results.  There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory. 

Specific Ideas for the Flat Affect Partner Under Attack

What do I do when I feel attacked by my partner?

First, I have to notice that I feel attacked and that my auto-pilot impulse is to withdraw, distance, or freeze. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:

1)      notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting defensive, shutting down, numb, paralyzed.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”

2)      take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)

3)      validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know that it might be hard/frustrating because you really want to connect/resolve this/talk to me. And I know that what feels like pressure or criticism to me can be you trying to ask me for connection.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only  showing empathy by taking a guess.

4)      offer reassurance to my partner that they matter, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this. You are important to me, and hearing you is important to me”, and

5)      set an anchor point (“I can check in with you in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow”).

Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am coming from a place of self-protection. I cannot be kind and generous and curious and enthusiastic if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.

I can try to remember that the times when I freeze/withdraw and my affect goes flat, or when I can’t think or talk, are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out goads my partner into pushing for a response from me…any response…even an angry one will feel better than this flat blank I present when I am frozen.

Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski. 

The Partner Protesting Flat Affect

Why do I act like this? Why do I experience contempt for and critique of the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of attachment panic.  My emotional system believes that I am about to experience an overwhelming, potentially life-threatening loss. I am responding like an infant whose rage sounds the alarm to rouse a non-responsive caregiver.  I demand connection, even if I have to attack to get it. At some point in my life, I learned that this was necessary to get appropriate care, and/or I learned to expect rejection and loss from people I love. I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and to look out for myself by protesting.  This protesting reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound. 

So what can I do about it?

I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she doesn’t love me.

I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain calm and loving in the face of clues that look like indifference. I cannot expect an environment free of challenges to my sense of worth, or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does.  I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.

I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively argue and attack). I have to learn how to step back and invite connection rather than demanding it. I have to notice if I am feeling bad about myself and seek appropriate care.  I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s flattened affect without taking it as a message that I am defective or unloved.  I can recognize that the flat affect is a response to old pain, gently invite my partner to notice, and let him know that I am here, and offering love.

Okay, great, but how do I do that??

I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or scared and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner without demanding and criticizing; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the fight/protest response and come back to my full self.  Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the kindness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.

I can understand that this is a process.  Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours.  Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski.  I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results.  There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory.

Specific Ideas for the Protesting Partner

What do I do when I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me?

First, I have to notice that I feel this and that my auto-pilot impulse is to complain or criticize. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:

1)      notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting hurt and angry.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”

2)      take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)

3)      validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know it can be hard for you to talk or get excited sometimes. I remember that what looks like indifference or rejection to me can mean you are overwhelmed or stressed or feeling like you can’t get it right.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only  showing empathy by taking a guess.

4)      offer reassurance to my partner that they are enough, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this without sounding critical. I want you to know that I accept and approve of you, even when there’s something I want us to try doing differently,” and

5)      set an anchor point (“I can check in in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow?”).

Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am focused on making him respond. I cannot be kind and generous and curious if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.

I can try to remember that the times when I am angry and critical are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out is a paralysis, where it becomes very difficult for her to think or speak like her usual self.

Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski.

I say all this to you, reader, not from a place of enlightenment and mastery, but as a novice who has done much reading and thinking and has all too few hours under her belt. We’re on the path together.