Part of the journey we are all on in developing ourselves into people who can have satisfying, well-functioning relationships is to accept that, when we are upset, as much or more of our distress comes from unresolved wounds inside of us as from whatever is going on interpersonally in the moment. It is most helpful if we can take our upset as a cue to do an internal exploration, in addition to the exploration of how we want our partner to respond, and instead of attacking, appeasing, or hiding from our partners. And to try our best to undertake both explorations with an attitude of compassionate curiosity, rather than judgment, blame or critique.
This exercise, adapted from one in the book Undefended Love, is a helpful template for this sort of exploration. When we have become upset, and there is not a present threat to our physical safety, we can remind ourselves that we are not in present danger, that we are whole people who make sense, and that we and our feelings and desires matter. Once we are feeling a little calmer, we can ask these questions in a conversation with ourselves, and then perhaps share what we learn with our partners as part of a joint exploration of how to work towards repair and resolution of what has been difficult.
- What is my complaint about my partner?
- What is my reaction? How do I feel when my partner is this way? What are the sensations in my body?
- How is this familiar? When have I felt like this in the past (both in this relationship and before it)?
- What familiar response is activated? Do I seek to challenge/convince my partner? Appease them? Shut down/leave/hide?
- What is the vulnerable feeling underneath my reaction?
- What is the familiar old belief underlying the vulnerable feeling? [here is the clue to the shame story…the beliefs we all have some version of that are our ways of worrying we aren’t or won’t be okay—what is the part that says, “aha, see! I was right all along. I knew…”]
- What is the deep fear within this belief? What do I fear about the current situation?
- What are the ways I try to be/present myself to counteract this fear?
- What am I not telling my partner about what I want and how I feel?
- Is there any way the situation seems to serve me (e.g. by allowing me to stay defended)?
- What would happen if my partner just acted the way I want? How would they appear to me then? What are the feelings and sensations when I imagine that?
- What, to the best of my imagination, would it be like for my partner to act the way I want? What might make it hard for them to do so? Are there ways I can make it easier?
- If I let go of the story that my partner is wrong, what would I have to feel that I am avoiding now?
- If my partner doesn’t change, how would I like to behave when I am upset about the complaint I started this exploration with?
- What do I need to cultivate in myself in order to live up to my intentions for how I want to respond?
- How might I have contributed to the situation I’m upset about?
- What can I try to do differently next time?
