Proactive Maintenance

 Hello, dear readers! I’ve been busy with life and work for a long time, but I’ve still been learning about relationships and gathering up information to pass along to you. Hopefully I can post semi-regularly for a little stretch here and add to this library of resources for your relationships.

Lately, I’ve had quite a few couples I work with ask for some guidelines for keeping positive cycles going. In order to have a satisfying long-term relationship, we have to attend to both the connection, and our needs for the existence of our separate self.  I find it helpful to have a plan! Here is an example of a way to stay on top of things in this regard.  This sets a minimum standard that can always be expanded on as time and energy permit. It might be a good yearly exercise to make a draft plan with regard to each of the items below, and set up some way to check in with yourself regularly to see if you are following through.

Plans are wonderful, but we also have to pay attention to when we don’t feel like following them! If your plan has become difficult to implement, be curious about that. It is an important clue that something needs attending to.

	Relationship	Individual self
Daily	When you think something positive about your partner, say it out loud. Make spoken appreciations of each other part of your end-of-day routine. Find a way to relate to your partner as a sexual being (e.g., flirt, hold a kiss for at least 5 seconds).	Make a note of 3 positives from each day and say something positive to yourself about why they occurred. Make time for curiosity about yourself: to observe your own thoughts and feelings.
Weekly	Establish a routine anchor point for connecting (not processing) that happens at the same time each week. This could be anything from a date night, or weekend hangout, to 20 minutes of shared morning coffee on Fridays...depending on what you can realistically make happen consistently. Set and follow through on goals for communicating to your partner in their love language(s). Set and follow through on goals for sexual intimacy. Orgasm, eye contact, and close, face-to-face conversation are all bonding.	Establish a routine anchor point for spending time with yourself (and perhaps your inner child). This could be exercise, mindfulness practice, a long bath, time to read at a café, etc.
Monthly	Schedule as much of a day together as you can manage for shared fun.	Schedule as much of a full day as you can for a solo adventure or time with friends.
Quarterly	Schedule as much of a weekend (or 2 days) together as you can manage for shared fun. If possible, get yourself out of your habitual environments.	Consider a personal retreat that lasts more than a day, and that involves at least some solo time to take stock of how you are doing and how your important relationships are going. Is there any pattern of experience you are having that you are not acknowledging or sharing?
Yearly	Schedule a get-away that is just for you as a couple (not about visiting family). Give conscious attention to your connection and re-commit to your values of self-awareness, and open communication.	Schedule time with yourself to take stock of the highlights of the year. What were the moments where you experienced the most joy, peace, contentment, self-acceptance, connection? What was in the mix that made those moments possible?
Every 4 years	Have a significant new experience together and evaluate your routines. Look for ways to shake things up a little so that you stay awake to yourself and what interests and excites you about your partner.	Schedule time with yourself to consider whether there are experiences you want to have that you are talking yourself out of in some way. Are you curious about those barriers? Interested in what it would take to remove them? Challenge yourself to have courage.

 

Here is a list that has circulated the internet of the most common regrets people have when looking back on their lives. As you make a plan for yourself, think about how you want to be proactive so that these regrets don’t become yours:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself rather than to the expectations of others.
2. I wish I hadn’t devoted so much of my energy and time to work.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I’d let myself be happier.

Many of us have many demands on our time and energy. My wish for you is that, within whatever life is demanding of you, you can make the time to take care of yourself, and your most important relationships, and slow down enough to notice and savor the positive. This gets hard for a lot of people once parenting (and/or taking care of parents) is in the mix. You can try to work together, and call upon resources from outside the relationship to support you in getting that invaluable time together as a couple, and for each of your individual selves.

Comments

[Heba]

So satisfying to read a new post by you. Thank you!