Empathic Partner

Proactive Maintenance

 Hello, dear readers! I’ve been busy with life and work for a long time, but I’ve still been learning about relationships and gathering up information to pass along to you. Hopefully I can post semi-regularly for a little stretch here and add to this library of resources for your relationships.

Lately, I’ve had quite a few couples I work with ask for some guidelines for keeping positive cycles going. In order to have a satisfying long-term relationship, we have to attend to both the connection, and our needs for the existence of our separate self.  I find it helpful to have a plan! Here is an example of a way to stay on top of things in this regard.  This sets a minimum standard that can always be expanded on as time and energy permit. It might be a good yearly exercise to make a draft plan with regard to each of the items below, and set up some way to check in with yourself regularly to see if you are following through.

Plans are wonderful, but we also have to pay attention to when we don’t feel like following them! If your plan has become difficult to implement, be curious about that. It is an important clue that something needs attending to.

	Relationship	Individual self
Daily	When you think something positive about your partner, say it out loud. Make spoken appreciations of each other part of your end-of-day routine. Find a way to relate to your partner as a sexual being (e.g., flirt, hold a kiss for at least 5 seconds).	Make a note of 3 positives from each day and say something positive to yourself about why they occurred. Make time for curiosity about yourself: to observe your own thoughts and feelings.
Weekly	Establish a routine anchor point for connecting (not processing) that happens at the same time each week. This could be anything from a date night, or weekend hangout, to 20 minutes of shared morning coffee on Fridays...depending on what you can realistically make happen consistently. Set and follow through on goals for communicating to your partner in their love language(s). Set and follow through on goals for sexual intimacy. Orgasm, eye contact, and close, face-to-face conversation are all bonding.	Establish a routine anchor point for spending time with yourself (and perhaps your inner child). This could be exercise, mindfulness practice, a long bath, time to read at a café, etc.
Monthly	Schedule as much of a day together as you can manage for shared fun.	Schedule as much of a full day as you can for a solo adventure or time with friends.
Quarterly	Schedule as much of a weekend (or 2 days) together as you can manage for shared fun. If possible, get yourself out of your habitual environments.	Consider a personal retreat that lasts more than a day, and that involves at least some solo time to take stock of how you are doing and how your important relationships are going. Is there any pattern of experience you are having that you are not acknowledging or sharing?
Yearly	Schedule a get-away that is just for you as a couple (not about visiting family). Give conscious attention to your connection and re-commit to your values of self-awareness, and open communication.	Schedule time with yourself to take stock of the highlights of the year. What were the moments where you experienced the most joy, peace, contentment, self-acceptance, connection? What was in the mix that made those moments possible?
Every 4 years	Have a significant new experience together and evaluate your routines. Look for ways to shake things up a little so that you stay awake to yourself and what interests and excites you about your partner.	Schedule time with yourself to consider whether there are experiences you want to have that you are talking yourself out of in some way. Are you curious about those barriers? Interested in what it would take to remove them? Challenge yourself to have courage.

 

Here is a list that has circulated the internet of the most common regrets people have when looking back on their lives. As you make a plan for yourself, think about how you want to be proactive so that these regrets don’t become yours:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself rather than to the expectations of others.
2. I wish I hadn’t devoted so much of my energy and time to work.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I’d let myself be happier.

Many of us have many demands on our time and energy. My wish for you is that, within whatever life is demanding of you, you can make the time to take care of yourself, and your most important relationships, and slow down enough to notice and savor the positive. This gets hard for a lot of people once parenting (and/or taking care of parents) is in the mix. You can try to work together, and call upon resources from outside the relationship to support you in getting that invaluable time together as a couple, and for each of your individual selves.

For the 70% of us who struggle to stay kind and generous

Here is a link to a recent article summarizing some of the research of the Gottman Institute on what makes for satisfying, long-term relationships: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?utm_content=bufferdc881&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

They boil it down to two main aspects that are present in the great relationships and absent in the miserable ones: kindness and generosity.  In the relationships characterized by kindness and generosity, almost 9 times out of 10, the partners respond to each other with openness, availability, interest, and enthusiasm. In the miserable couples, this is only happening about 3 times out of 10, and the rest of the time there is seeming-indifference, grouchiness, emotional stinginess, or critique.

Okay, it makes plenty of sense that the open, available, interested and enthusiastic people are having a good time, and the indifferent-seeming, grouchy, critical people are not.  But what do you do if you feel flat, grouchy or critical? Well, first of all, if you feel or act that way in your relationship, you are not alone. In fact, 70% of relationships wind up in this territory (and some think that’s underestimating it). People tend to find themselves in one of two places in any given relationship (though sometimes they experience both): the person who has the flat affect, or the person who gets mad at, and critical of their partner for being unresponsive.

So what do we do about it? Some thoughts on that follow, addressing each style in turn, with intentional repetition of the shared concepts.

The Flat Affect Partner

Why do I act like this? Why can’t I generate enthusiasm for the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of self-protective withdrawal.  My emotional system believes that I am under attack or otherwise in some sort of danger. I am responding like an armadillo, sea anemone, or possum: I shut down and close up shop on connection. I withdraw, distance, freeze. When I’m really escalated, I might stop being able to think or talk or move at all. This might be happening in response to perceived attacks from my partner, or other stressors.  At some point in my life, being open to connection was dangerous (at least emotionally if not physically), and I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and protect myself.  This self-protective reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound. 

So what can I do about it?

I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she is inherently dangerous to me.

I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain open in the face of stressors. I cannot expect an environment free of stressors or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does.  I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.

I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively withdraw and/or seek to retaliate in passive-aggressive ways). I have to learn how to attend to/track/notice my own thoughts, feelings and desires, and share these with my partner. I have to notice if I am depressed or overwhelmed and seek appropriate care. I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s upset without taking it as a message that I have failed or must fix it or disregard my own experience. My job is to care when my partner is upset, and be open to influence by knowledge of my partner’s experience. Not to take responsibility for his experience or bypass my own.

Okay, great, but how do I do that??

I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or overwhelmed and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the flee/freeze response and come back to my full self.  Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the openness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.

I can understand that this is a process.  Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours.  Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski.  I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results.  There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory. 

Specific Ideas for the Flat Affect Partner Under Attack

What do I do when I feel attacked by my partner?

First, I have to notice that I feel attacked and that my auto-pilot impulse is to withdraw, distance, or freeze. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:

1)      notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting defensive, shutting down, numb, paralyzed.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”

2)      take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)

3)      validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know that it might be hard/frustrating because you really want to connect/resolve this/talk to me. And I know that what feels like pressure or criticism to me can be you trying to ask me for connection.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only  showing empathy by taking a guess.

4)      offer reassurance to my partner that they matter, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this. You are important to me, and hearing you is important to me”, and

5)      set an anchor point (“I can check in with you in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow”).

Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am coming from a place of self-protection. I cannot be kind and generous and curious and enthusiastic if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.

I can try to remember that the times when I freeze/withdraw and my affect goes flat, or when I can’t think or talk, are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out goads my partner into pushing for a response from me…any response…even an angry one will feel better than this flat blank I present when I am frozen.

Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski. 

The Partner Protesting Flat Affect

Why do I act like this? Why do I experience contempt for and critique of the person I love? Well, the odds are I am in some level of attachment panic.  My emotional system believes that I am about to experience an overwhelming, potentially life-threatening loss. I am responding like an infant whose rage sounds the alarm to rouse a non-responsive caregiver.  I demand connection, even if I have to attack to get it. At some point in my life, I learned that this was necessary to get appropriate care, and/or I learned to expect rejection and loss from people I love. I learned to look out for and respond to clues that I am in this territory and to look out for myself by protesting.  This protesting reflex can be very deeply ingrained and very hard to get a handle on. It is rooted in our natural, human, response to a core wound. 

So what can I do about it?

I can forgive myself and accept that I did not create this core wound and remind myself that my response to it is very normal. I can try to see that my partner did not create this core wound either. She only pokes it accidentally. And although that poking is very painful, that is because it touches such a raw spot, not because she doesn’t love me.

I can accept that, as long as the wound is so raw, it will be very hard/impossible for me to remain calm and loving in the face of clues that look like indifference. I cannot expect an environment free of challenges to my sense of worth, or a partner who never pokes my raw spots or always knows just how to quickly repair when he does.  I can accept that I have the primary responsibility for healing my own raw spots; for reducing the intensity of my own triggers.

I can accept that I have primary responsibility for my own emotional experience and for taking care of myself (including the young parts of me that instinctively argue and attack). I have to learn how to step back and invite connection rather than demanding it. I have to notice if I am feeling bad about myself and seek appropriate care.  I have to grow my capacity to be in proximity to my partner’s flattened affect without taking it as a message that I am defective or unloved.  I can recognize that the flat affect is a response to old pain, gently invite my partner to notice, and let him know that I am here, and offering love.

Okay, great, but how do I do that??

I can sign up for experiences that guide me to be kind and compassionate towards myself; that strengthen the part of me that can notice when I am getting triggered, stressed, or scared and that strengthen my capacity to reveal and describe this to my partner without demanding and criticizing; and that teach me how to calm and center myself so that I can soothe the fight/protest response and come back to my full self.  Only when I have enough of these experiences, can I hope to access the kindness, curiosity, and generosity that makes relationships work in the long-term. Psychotherapy and mindfulness practice are two generators of these kinds of experiences.

I can understand that this is a process.  Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach says we have to put in our 10,000 hours.  Relationship expert Terry Real says to think of it like learning any complex skill as an adult, like playing the piano or learning to ski.  I can read and think about it all I want, but I’ll have to put in the hours of practice before I can expect much in the way of results.  There will be failures and defeats, but each time I return myself to the practice is a victory.

Specific Ideas for the Protesting Partner

What do I do when I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me?

First, I have to notice that I feel this and that my auto-pilot impulse is to complain or criticize. Then I can press pause in the most loving way I can. It is helpful if I can:

1)      notice and describe my experience, e.g., “I feel myself getting hurt and angry.” Note: I am taking responsibility for my own reaction, not saying “you make me…”

2)      take a break, e.g. “I am going to take a break so I can calm myself.” Note: I am coming from a stance of agency and going for what I want (a break), not from a stance of powerlessness (“I need…” “I can’t…”)

3)      validate my partner’s experience, e.g. “I know it can be hard for you to talk or get excited sometimes. I remember that what looks like indifference or rejection to me can mean you are overwhelmed or stressed or feeling like you can’t get it right.” Note: I am not telling her what she feels, only  showing empathy by taking a guess.

4)      offer reassurance to my partner that they are enough, e.g. “I’m taking a break so that I can listen and share better about this without sounding critical. I want you to know that I accept and approve of you, even when there’s something I want us to try doing differently,” and

5)      set an anchor point (“I can check in in 5 minutes/an hour/tomorrow?”).

Then, I have to use the break to soothe and validate and listen to myself. I cannot listen to my partner well when I am focused on making him respond. I cannot be kind and generous and curious if my emotional system believes I am about to get hurt. I will know I am ready to try again when I can feel curiosity about and empathy for my partner return.

I can try to remember that the times when I am angry and critical are the hardest times for my partner not to freak out. Often this freak out is a paralysis, where it becomes very difficult for her to think or speak like her usual self.

Is any of this easy? No. Is a desire and intention to do all this enough to achieve it? No. See the thing above about 10,000 hours and learning to ski.

I say all this to you, reader, not from a place of enlightenment and mastery, but as a novice who has done much reading and thinking and has all too few hours under her belt. We’re on the path together.