Apologies are effective when they successfully convey empathy for the impact of our behavior on the person receiving the apology. In order to convey empathy, we must understand as much as we can about their experience, and this requires listening to them.
Sometimes, we offer apologies in the hopes of avoiding or pre-empting listening, and having to sit with the evidence of the impact of our behavior. Sometimes, we are in a hurry to defend ourselves (“I’m sorry, but…”) or erase the role our behavior plays in how another feels (“I get that it’s hard for you because of how you are”). These apologies are more about our own discomfort than our empathy for another. These kinds of apologies often come up when we are unable to see that acknowledging remorse or regret for the impact of our behavior is not the same as admitting that we, ourselves, are “bad” or unwanted.
When we genuinely care about the impact of our behavior on others this shows empathy. Empathy is the most effective way to soothe relational distress. The authenticity of empathy is conveyed not only by our words but by our body language and facial expressions. It is hard to fake. Sometimes we need to invest time in reflection and self-validation before we can offer genuine empathy to another.
Bear in mind that there may be more going on than an apology alone can address. Therefore, it is helpful to express our genuine empathy for its own sake, without expecting repair to be immediate or complete (“I said I was sorry, why are you still mad?”).
The more the behavior we regret arises out of our own challenges, the harder it is to feel confident that “it won’t happen again.” While we try to have patience with our own growth processes, we can also recognize that an apology/regrettable behavior/apology cycle, dilutes the effectiveness of our apologies, even when we truly feel them. When this is happening in a relationship, we want our reflection to go deep enough to understand something about the coping habit involved in the behavior we are trying to change. This understanding may provide insight into ways to help ourselves make different behavioral choices in the future.
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