An apology is a way to acknowledge when our behavior has had a negative impact on another person, to express regret over that impact, and to open the door to repair for any damage done to our relationships. An apology is something that arises out of our genuine desire for these things, not something that is forced out of us. It is not an expression of weakness, submission, or yielding to power or fears. It is not an admission that we (as opposed to our behaviors) are unwanted or bad. We do not have to invalidate ourselves or our experiences in order to recognize the experience of another.
Sometimes an effective apology is offered spontaneously, but it is often helpful to take a moment (or longer) to reflect before offering or requesting an apology. We can describe our experience (e.g. I don’t like that) but resist the impulse to demand immediate action (“take that back right now!” or “you need to apologize to me”).
An apology that is given under pressure (to resolve conflict or please another) is less likely to be fully felt or accepted as genuine. Before we offer an apology, we can internally reflect upon our own experience as well as the experience of the person we are apologizing to. This can help us to be clear that we are expressing regret about the impact of our behavior, rather than swallowing a message that we are “bad.” With reflection, we become less defensive.
When we want to receive an apology, we can reflect on why it is important to us. What is theirs to own (e.g. their behavior and behavior patterns, the meaning they assign) and what is ours (the meaning we assign, the intensity added by past injuries that did not involve them)? We can try to recognize when we are too upset to really take in an apology, even if it is genuine.
We can understand that when an action is “triggering,” self-soothing and self-validation will be needed, in addition to any apology, before we really feel better. When we find ourselves micromanaging the delivery of an apology, it is a clue that we may be asking for more than even a genuine apology can deliver.
Comments