Empathic Partner

The Art of Apology, part 1

An apology is a way to acknowledge when our behavior has had a negative impact on another person, to express regret over that impact, and to open the door to repair for any damage done to our relationships.  An apology is something that arises out of our genuine desire for these things, not something that is forced out of us.  It is not an expression of weakness, submission, or yielding to power or fears.  It is not an admission that we (as opposed to our behaviors) are unwanted or bad.  We do not have to invalidate ourselves or our experiences in order to recognize the experience of another.

Sometimes an effective apology is offered spontaneously, but it is often helpful to take a moment (or longer) to reflect before offering or requesting an apology.  We can describe our experience (e.g. I don’t like that) but resist the impulse to demand immediate action (“take that back right now!” or “you need to apologize to me”).

An apology that is given under pressure (to resolve conflict or please another) is less likely to be fully felt or accepted as genuine.  Before we offer an apology, we can internally reflect upon our own experience as well as the experience of the person we are apologizing to.  This can help us to be clear that we are expressing regret about the impact of our behavior, rather than swallowing a message that we are “bad.”  With reflection, we become less defensive.

When we want to receive an apology, we can reflect on why it is important to us.  What is theirs to own (e.g. their behavior and behavior patterns, the meaning they assign) and what is ours (the meaning we assign, the intensity added by past injuries that did not involve them)? We can try to recognize when we are too upset to really take in an apology, even if it is genuine. 

We can understand that when an action is “triggering,” self-soothing and self-validation will be needed, in addition to any apology, before we really feel better.  When we find ourselves micromanaging the delivery of an apology, it is a clue that we may be asking for more than even a genuine apology can deliver.

 

The Art of Apology, part 2

Apologies are effective when they successfully convey empathy for the impact of our behavior on the person receiving the apology.  In order to convey empathy, we must understand as much as we can about their experience, and this requires listening to them. 

Sometimes, we offer apologies in the hopes of avoiding or pre-empting listening, and having to sit with the evidence of the impact of our behavior.  Sometimes, we are in a hurry to defend ourselves (“I’m sorry, but…”) or erase the role our behavior plays in how another feels (“I get that it’s hard for you because of how you are”).  These apologies are more about our own discomfort than our empathy for another.  These kinds of apologies often come up when we are unable to see that acknowledging remorse or regret for the impact of our behavior is not the same as admitting that we, ourselves, are “bad” or unwanted. 

When we genuinely care about the impact of our behavior on others this shows empathy.  Empathy is the most effective way to soothe relational distress.  The authenticity of empathy is conveyed not only by our words but by our body language and facial expressions.  It is hard to fake.  Sometimes we need to invest time in reflection and self-validation before we can offer genuine empathy to another.

Bear in mind that there may be more going on than an apology alone can address.  Therefore, it is helpful to express our genuine empathy for its own sake, without expecting repair to be immediate or complete (“I said I was sorry, why are you still mad?”).

The more the behavior we regret arises out of our own challenges, the harder it is to feel confident that “it won’t happen again.”  While we try to have patience with our own growth processes, we can also recognize that an apology/regrettable behavior/apology cycle, dilutes the effectiveness of our apologies, even when we truly feel them.  When this is happening in a relationship, we want our reflection to go deep enough to understand something about the coping habit involved in the behavior we are trying to change.  This understanding may provide insight into ways to help ourselves make different behavioral choices in the future.