Things to remind yourself when your partner is shutting down :
A person’s system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.
My partner is overwhelmed ≠ I Am Overwhelming
It is okay to ask “are you starting to shut down?” or “are you still shut down?”
I can let my partner know “it’s hard for me when you have to disengage, but I know you will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________.”
When I feel like saying:
You’re not emotionally available……
You’re afraid of intimacy…
I don’t want to take a break.
I feel like there’s no room for me to…..
You are not being supportive….
You’re abandoning me.
I can think about this:
It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now. When you disengage, it is hard for me to believe that you will come back and it is hard for me to believe you care about me and want to be with me. Then still wanting the connection feels too vulnerable. I can feel mad and sad and like a sucker all at the same time. I might disengage too.
However, I am learning to deal with these reactions by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to pretend you are not overwhelmed or taking your overwhelm as a criticism or rejection of me.
Also:
Someone is mad I am bad
Someone is frustrated ≠ I failed
Someone is disappointed this relationship is unhealthy
Someone is sad my partner is going to leave me
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