Things to remind yourself when you are shutting down:
Your system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.
Overwhelm is never cured by adding more stimuli (in other words….take a break!)
I am overwhelmed ≠ My Partner is Overwhelming
My partner is disappointed ≠ I Am Disappointing
Let you partner know “I can feel that I am shutting down” AND “I know it can be hard for you when I disengage….I will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________”
When I feel like saying:
It’s not reasonable of you to……
You’re too needy/clingy/insecure…
Leave me alone.
I feel like there’s no room for me to…..
I feel pressure from you to….
You want too much from me.
I can think about this:
It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now. I am withdrawing or trying to get you to go away so that I don’t lose myself. This is uncomfortable (to put it mildly) so sometimes I might tell myself that you are putting me in this position and I get mad at you.
However, I am learning to deal with these reactions by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to change or pretend you don’t have feelings or desires.
Also:
Someone is mad I am bad
Someone is frustrated ≠ I failed
Someone is disappointed this relationship is unhealthy
Someone is sad my partner is going to leave me (or smother me)
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