Empathic Partner

Connecting through conflict, Part 4: when you shut down

Things to remind yourself when you are shutting down:

Your system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.

Overwhelm is never cured by adding more stimuli (in other words….take a break!)

I am overwhelmed ≠ My Partner is Overwhelming

My partner is disappointed ≠ I Am Disappointing

Let you partner know “I can feel that I am shutting down” AND “I know it can be hard for you when I disengage….I will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________”

When I feel like saying:

    It’s not reasonable of you to……

    You’re too needy/clingy/insecure…

    Leave me alone.

    I feel like there’s no room for me to…..

    I feel pressure from you to….

    You want too much from me.

I can think about this:

It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now. I am withdrawing or trying to get you to go away so that I don’t lose myself. This is uncomfortable (to put it mildly) so sometimes I might tell myself that you are putting me in this position and I get mad at you.

However, I am learning to deal with these reactions by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to change or pretend you don’t have feelings or desires.

Also:

Someone is mad                                                          I am bad

Someone is frustrated                    ≠                            I failed

Someone is disappointed                                            this relationship is unhealthy

Someone is sad                                                            my partner is going to leave me (or smother me)

Connecting through conflict, Part 5: when your partner shuts down

Things to remind yourself when your partner is shutting down :

A person’s system shuts down when it is overwhelmed.

My partner is overwhelmed ≠ I Am Overwhelming

It is okay to ask “are you starting to shut down?”  or “are you still shut down?”

I can let my partner know “it’s hard for me when you have to disengage, but I know you will come back” AND “let’s check in after ____________.” 

When I feel like saying:

                You’re not emotionally available……

                You’re afraid of intimacy…

                I don’t want to take a break.

                I feel like there’s no room for me to…..

                You are not being supportive….

                You’re abandoning me.

I can think about this:

It’s hard for me to validate myself AND you at the same time right now.  When you disengage, it is hard for me to believe that you will come back and it is hard for me to believe you care about me and want to be with me.  Then still wanting the connection feels too vulnerable. I can feel mad and sad and like a sucker all at the same time.  I might disengage too.

However, I am learning to deal with these reactions  by getting better at validating myself instead of asking you to pretend you are not overwhelmed or taking your overwhelm as a criticism or rejection of me.

Also:

Someone is mad                                                                       I am bad

Someone is frustrated                          ≠                                  I failed

Someone is disappointed                                                        this relationship is unhealthy

Someone is sad                                                                       my partner is going to leave me