Developed with reference to “How To Get The Most From Couples Therapy” by Ellen Bader, Ph.D and Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from the Professional Collection at CouplesInstitute.com.
The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy works when you apply new knowledge to interrupt ineffective patterns and develop better ones. During therapy, you develop a shared understanding of what happens in your relationship, and learn to respond to each other more effectively and without violating your own core values or deeply held principles.
Key tasks of couples therapy include increasing your clarity about:
.The relationship you want
.The choices and behaviors that are consistent with having the relationship you want; and
.Where and why it gets hard to make those choices and engage in those behaviors
The hard work of great relationships:
Putting in the time. It takes time to create a great relationship: time to be together, time to be with family/community, time for shared fun and relaxation, time to coordinate and plan. It can feel hard to make this time if there are competing pressures (e.g. children, work, and your own individual development).
Leaving your comfort zone. This work requires you to be brave: both when you share information about yourself with your partner, and when you listen to what they tell you about themselves. In addition, therapy involves exploring what happens when you are each at your worst: no one’s favorite topic.
Owning your part. People often enter couple’s therapy focusing on a problem they see in their partner. However, each of you will be called upon to examine your assumptions and your coping strategies, and how these impact your interactions with each other. Ultimately, you will each confront the reality that you can effect change only within yourself and through creating an environment that supports the relationship you want.
Getting the most out of sessions:
As you work with a therapist to map out the recurring patterns and cycles of conflict or distance in your relationship, the starting point will sometimes be a specific issue you have identified, or a fight you’ve gone through. However, keep in mind that these are not “the problem” but symptoms of an overall pattern you are trying to understand and rework.
In order to keep your focus on this bigger picture of the relationship, it is helpful for each person to do the following before each session:
1. Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
2. Think about the next step you can undertake that supports or relates to your larger objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to become.
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