Reflect on these questions before starting your dialogue: Am I thinking of myself as victimized? Do I feel negative emotions (fear, hurt, helpless, anxious, disgust, pain, sad, lonely, inadequate) What ineffective actions to these thoughts and feelings tempt me to take? What makes it hard/scary for me? How do I wish my partner would respond? What makes it hard for my partner to respond this way? What is it I want to say/find out? Why is that important to me? What do I want? Why is it important to me? You can help your partner hear you by: Asking if it’s an okay time for them to listen. Limiting yourself to a single topic and staying focused on that issue. Being specific rather than vague, and saying why the topic is important to you. Refraining from blame, criticism, accusations, and name calling. Owning up to past ineffective behaviors. Allow yourself some complexity: There is often more than one feeling, and they may be conflicting. Go deeper than the most surface feeling until you find some vulnerability You can have your own feelings and desires and simultaneously hold concerns about their impact on your partner. Remember you are not problem solving: Recognizing and expressing a feeling, thought, or desire is not the same as making a decision or pushing a point of view. Most importantly, be willing to learn more about yourself: The goal is not “getting what you want” or extracting something from the other person, even though the process may lead to a request for something. The goal is increasing your ability to express your own thoughts and feelings and tolerate differences. Watch out for these typical challenges: Difficulty identifying or articulating feelings Difficulty holding your own desires (giving up too fast/over-adapting) Bringing up too many issues at once Demanding agreement or concessions (“I’ve told you how I feel, now do what I want.”) Blaming – focusing on your partner instead of exploring yourself Not connecting the topic with a deeper understanding of yourself or couple dynamics This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com
Comments