Remember, it’s not about you:
Even when your partner talks about you, they are telling you about themselves.
It is up to you to manage your reactions: don’t interrupt, defend, argue, or cross-complain.
The existence of your partner’s separate experience does not erase yours (even if you are not getting to talk about it right now)
It is not your job to find solutions, it is your job to listen
Curiosity is the path to take:
Ask questions that help you understand your partner’s experience (not your own) in light of their own history.
You can ask yourself:
What’s the strongest feeling that I am hearing from my partner?
If I don’t include myself, if I don’t bring myself into it, even though my partner is talking about me, what do I hear my partner saying about him/herself?
Are there ways I can see my partner showing a desire for connection with me?
You can ask your partner:
What does this mean to you, or symbolize for you, beyond the concrete situation?
When did you first begin to feel concerned?
What are the benefits if this challenge is reasonably resolved to your satisfaction?
What is your main intention in bringing up this topic?
Here is the main point and the main feeling that I am getting.…is there anything you would add or correct?
Empathy (not problem-solving) is the goal:
Offer empathy more than once in order to demonstrate that you get it.
If you get stuck, then recapping is a good way to stay on track.
Watch out for these typical challenges:
Starting to problem solve or fix
Hearing blame even when partner is not blaming you in this moment
Getting defensive, talking about yourself instead of asking about partner
Asking questions that have more to do with you than your partner (“What about me” or “What about the effect you think this has on me? When am I going to get to talk?” “Don’t you want to know my view?”)
Projecting your own meaning onto what your partner says instead of exploring their meaning
Difficulty self-validating and self-soothing (getting caught up in the other’s emotion)
Difficulty accessing empathy
This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com
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