Empathic Partner

More tips for talking



Reflect on these questions before starting your dialogue:

Am I thinking of myself as victimized?

Do I feel negative emotions (fear, hurt, helpless, anxious, disgust, pain, sad, lonely, inadequate)

What ineffective actions to these thoughts and feelings tempt me to take? 

What makes it hard/scary for me?

How do I wish my partner would respond?

What makes it hard for my partner to respond this way?

What is it I want to say/find out? Why is that important to me?

What do I want? Why is it important to me?

You can help your partner hear you by:

Asking if it’s an okay time for them to listen.

Limiting yourself to a single topic and staying focused on that issue.

Being specific rather than vague, and saying why the topic is important to you.

Refraining from blame, criticism, accusations, and name calling.

Owning up to past ineffective behaviors.

 

Allow yourself some complexity:

There is often more than one feeling, and they may be conflicting.

Go deeper than the most surface feeling until you find some vulnerability

You can have your own feelings and desires and simultaneously hold concerns about their impact on your partner.

 

Remember you are not problem solving:

Recognizing and expressing a feeling, thought, or desire is not the same as making a decision or pushing a point of view.

 

Most importantly, be willing to learn more about yourself:

The goal is not “getting what you want” or extracting something from the other person, even though the process may lead to a request for something.

The goal is increasing your ability to express your own thoughts and feelings and tolerate differences. 

 

Watch out for these typical challenges:

Difficulty identifying or articulating feelings 

Difficulty holding your own desires (giving up too fast/over-adapting)

Bringing up too many issues at once

Demanding agreement or concessions (“I’ve told you how I feel, now do what I want.”)

Blaming – focusing on your partner instead of exploring yourself 

Not connecting the topic with a deeper understanding of yourself or couple dynamics

 

This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com

 

 

 

More tips for listening



Remember, it’s not about you:

Even when your partner talks about you, they are telling you about themselves.

It is up to you to manage your reactions: don’t interrupt, defend, argue, or cross-complain.

The existence of your partner’s separate experience does not erase yours (even if you are not getting to talk about it right now)

It is not your job to find solutions, it is your job to listen

 

Curiosity is the path to take:

Ask questions that help you understand your partner’s experience (not your own) in light of their own history.

 

You can ask yourself:

What’s the strongest feeling that I am hearing from my partner?

If I don’t include myself, if I don’t bring myself into it, even though my partner is talking about me, what do I hear my partner saying about him/herself?

Are there ways I can see my partner showing a desire for connection with me?

 

You can ask your partner:

What does this mean to you, or symbolize for you, beyond the concrete situation?

When did you first begin to feel concerned?

What are the benefits if this challenge is reasonably resolved to your satisfaction?

What is your main intention in bringing up this topic?

Here is the main point and the main feeling that I am getting.…is there anything you would add or correct?

 

Empathy (not problem-solving) is the goal:

Offer empathy more than once in order to demonstrate that you get it.

If you get stuck, then recapping is a good way to stay on track.

 

Watch out for these typical challenges:

Starting to problem solve or fix

Hearing blame even when partner is not blaming you in this moment

Getting defensive, talking about yourself instead of asking about partner 

Asking questions that have more to do with you than your partner (“What about me” or “What about the effect you think this has on me? When am I going to get to talk?” “Don’t you want to know my view?”)

Projecting your own meaning onto what your partner says instead of exploring their meaning 

Difficulty self-validating and self-soothing  (getting caught up in the other’s emotion)

Difficulty accessing empathy

 

 

This post was influenced and informed by the work of Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute: www.couplesinstitute.com