Empathic Partner

Your conflict game plan: what do you want to stop doing?

Here are a bunch of ineffective things partners do to cope with conflict:

Abuse drugs	Always have to be right	Attack
Be condescending	Belittle	Be sarcastic
Blame	Break things	Bring in the kids
Bring up old issues	Cave (just to end the fight)	Change Subject
Close Mind	Compete	Comply
Criticize	Cry as trump card	Defend
Deny	Diagnose	Dismiss partner
Distract	Dominate	Drink too much
Escape to work	Expect mind reading	Get impatient
Get stubborn	Get violent	Humiliate
Intimidate	Interrupt	Judge
Keep secrets	Leave	Lie
Make fun of	Manipulate	Micromanage
Nag	Namecall	Pathologize partner
Play mind games	Pout	Provoke guilt
Put down other’s family	Reject	Shame my partner
Sulk	Stonewall	Tell my partner what s/he feels
Threaten	Try to mind read	Use contempt
Use my oppression as trump card	Use my past trauma as trump card	Use the silent treatment
Walk out without setting time out	Withdraw	Yell to drown each other out

Ask yourself:

What are 2 things I do during conflict that my partner finds challenging?

What is a strategy for handling this in the future that respects us both?

What are 3 things I want to stop doing during conflict with my partner?

Of the three, what is hardest for me to stop doing?  Where did I learn this behavior?  What is a strategy to help myself stop?

What are 2 things I want my partner to stop doing during conflict with me?

Of the two, what do I imagine is hardest for my partner to stop doing? 

Is there something I can do to create an environment in which it is easier for my partner to change this behavior?

 

Your conflict game plan: what do you want to start doing?

Here are some effective ways to approach conflict:

Getting your own clarity about your own thinking and feeling:  what is really bothering you, beneath the surface of your complaint?

Being clear about what you would like to happen: specifically, and framed as what you want (rather than don’t want).

Choosing a quiet, relaxed time and place for the conversation.

Using “I” statements, and feeling statements.

Listening carefully, without interrupting.  Checking that you understand, and asking questions to clarify (rather than as another means of arguing your case).

Taking agreed upon breaks to calm down if either person’s anger or anxiety is escalating.

Willingness to own the impacts of your behavior (as separate from your intentions) and apologize for negative impacts on your partner.

Willingness to compromise or agree to disagree after listening and being heard (as opposed to auto-pilot caving or auto-pilot refusing to be influenced).

After reviewing the above, ask yourself:

What are 3 things I want to start doing when I have conflict with a partner?

Of the three, what is hardest for me to do?  What is easiest?  What is a strategy to keep this in mind when I'm getting upset?