The reptilian brain’s push to avoid pain can be so strong that it overrides our goals for our relationships and ourselves. We fight (blame, criticize, judge, or worse) and flee (shut down, withhold, avoid, hide, leave) even though these things are counterproductive to having the relationship we want.
Sometimes your protection system even hurts you directly (via an internal critic that puts you down or predicts doom) to avoid what it sees as an even bigger threat from the outside. For example, you may have pledged to be open with your partner, but if (like most of us) your protection system has developed a belief that openness leads to rejection/humiliation, it may produce an internal critic with a whole bag of tricks to censor you.
Luckily, our mammalian brains are also geared to seek pleasure, and some of the things we are hard-wired to experience as pleasure include connection with others, and being known and accepted. That’s why we keep trying.
When you understand the 3-part brain, you can try to remember that when your partner reacts in a way that you don’t like (e.g. they shut down, leave, yell, or try to invalidate you), it is because their protection system is activated. Anytime you feel your partner’s message to you is that you are unloved, uncared for, or unimportant, your protective system is activated as well.
An activated protection system is like a runaway train. You don’t stop it by jumping in front of it and yelling “stop!” You have to get on board the train in order to slow it down to a halt. This means acknowledging to yourself and accepting that your system feels threatened as the first step (getting on the train). Then give yourself the time and space needed to calm down your system enough to engage your human brain again. Then evaluate the threat and decide how to act in a way that is consistent with your goals for the relationship and for yourself.
Often this will mean taking an actual break from the conversation that was becoming (or became) a fight. If stopping the conversation feels hard, acknowledge that, and always set a time to check back in. When you try again, consider using the listening and conflict resolution skills and tools you have picked up here from other posts. The more you are able to show genuine curiosity and empathy about each other’s experience, the better your chances for resolving whatever it was that upset you.
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