Empathic Partner

Connecting through Conflict: Part 2

After exploring what the conflict was like for you and what it was like for your partner, the next step is figuring out your own part in setting the stage for, initiating, or escalating the experience of conflict that you just had.  Sometimes we like to believe that a conflict is all one person's "fault."  Aside from the fact that a right/wrong framework isn't very effective for resolving conflict, it is also impossible to create or sustain conflict single-handedly.

It is hard to take responsbility for your own role (however small) in the conflict if you are feeling defensive.  Although they are in an "attack mode," blaming, judging, and critiquing are actually all things we do to defend ourselves.  It can be helpful to take some time to calm down.  Try some deep breathing, tensing and then relaxing muscle groups, or visualizing a peaceful place.  Then look over the (non-exhausive) list below for some prompts as to what you might own about your part in the conflict.

1.  I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2.  I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

3.  I have taken my partner for granted.

4.  I have been very sensitive lately.

5.  I have been very critical lately.

6.  I have been keeping thoughts and feelings to myself.

7.  I have not been emotionally available.

8.  I have been more typically withdrawing than seeking connection.

9.  I have been getting easily upset.

10. I have been depressed lately.

11. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

12. I have not been very affectionate.

13. I have not made time for good things between us.

14. I have not been considering what I need, want, or feel.

15. I have not asked for what I need.

16. I have been making assumptions about what you think and feel instead of asking.

17. I had a hard time listening to you because I heard what you were saying as a criticism.

18. I had a hard time being empathetic because I needed so much for you to give some empathy to me.

 

Share your thoughts about your contribution to the conflict with your partner.

 

 

 

Connecting through conflict: part 3

The last step in resolving a conflict is to plan for how to proceed.   It is difficult to do this without doing parts 1 and 2 first, because those steps involve information sharing that is key to developing workable solutions.

 

When you begin floating ideas about solutions, bear in mind that a workable solution must reflect the validity of each partners' subjective experience of the situation.  A solution that only attends to one partner's desires/fears/opinions is unlikely to be sustainable.  It also helps to frame solutions as positives (what you want rather than what you don't want).

 

If you are requesting a behavior change of yourself or your partner, make sure it is concrete and specific, and builds in an acknowledgement that no one is 100% consistent.  For example, "I'm asking you to call me when you'll be late at least 80% of the time" works better than "call me if you'll be late," and much better than "show more consideration for my time."  Whenever possible, view the proposed solution as a trial solution and check in later about whether it is working for both people. 

 

Bear in mind that what can seem like a request for a simple behavior change may actually demand fundamental shifts in the way the "changing" person views themselves and the world.  For example, calling when you are going to be late requires tracking the time and perhaps interrupting an unfinshed task, holding awareness of your own/your partner's needs in the face of another's demands, admitting you misjudged the amount of time something would take, facing your partner's disappointment, etc.  Depending on your temperament and learned coping styles, any number of these things might be very challenging.

 

Remember, you have a lot more power to change yourself than to change your partner, so don't forget to look for ways you can shift your perspective or gain flexibility (without invalidating your own experience).  If you are asking your partner to change, there are only two viable ways to encourage success.  1) Help them discover ways that the change benefits them directly (not just by making you happier).  2) Create an environment in which it is as easy as possible for them to behave in the requested way.  You have to learn about your partner in order to do either (surprise)!