After exploring what the conflict was like for you and what it was like for your partner, the next step is figuring out your own part in setting the stage for, initiating, or escalating the experience of conflict that you just had. Sometimes we like to believe that a conflict is all one person's "fault." Aside from the fact that a right/wrong framework isn't very effective for resolving conflict, it is also impossible to create or sustain conflict single-handedly.
It is hard to take responsbility for your own role (however small) in the conflict if you are feeling defensive. Although they are in an "attack mode," blaming, judging, and critiquing are actually all things we do to defend ourselves. It can be helpful to take some time to calm down. Try some deep breathing, tensing and then relaxing muscle groups, or visualizing a peaceful place. Then look over the (non-exhausive) list below for some prompts as to what you might own about your part in the conflict.
1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
2. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.
3. I have taken my partner for granted.
4. I have been very sensitive lately.
5. I have been very critical lately.
6. I have been keeping thoughts and feelings to myself.
7. I have not been emotionally available.
8. I have been more typically withdrawing than seeking connection.
9. I have been getting easily upset.
10. I have been depressed lately.
11. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.
12. I have not been very affectionate.
13. I have not made time for good things between us.
14. I have not been considering what I need, want, or feel.
15. I have not asked for what I need.
16. I have been making assumptions about what you think and feel instead of asking.
17. I had a hard time listening to you because I heard what you were saying as a criticism.
18. I had a hard time being empathetic because I needed so much for you to give some empathy to me.
Share your thoughts about your contribution to the conflict with your partner.
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