Temperament Tool: How does it play out in your relationship?

Learning about temperament can help us understand and navigate diversity and difference in our relationships. It helps us understand why certain situations make us comfortable or cranky. It helps us gain insight into why those around us experience the crowded party or the trip to Costco or the sudden change in meeting schedule in the ways that they do. It helps us know what kinds of environments or situations support us in being our best selves.  It helps us accept and talk about our experiences, reduce conflict, and come up with strategies that make life together better.

Think of someone you are in an intimate relationship with, or someone that you spend a lot of time with, and circle where you think they fall on a 1-5 spectrum for these elements of temperament, with 1 being “very low” and 5 being “very high.” (If possible, get them to rank themselves!) Compare the two. What do you notice? Where are the similarities and differences? How do you two handle your temperament differences?

  

Aspect	Me	Name:
Persistence	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Sensitivity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Adaptability	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Intensity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Regularity	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
Activity Level	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5
1st Response	1   2   3   4   5	1   2   3   4   5

Is there one aspect of the person’s temperament that is hard for you, or that makes you easily irritated or judgmental? Is there an aspect of your temperament that you feel the other person does not accept or expects you to change? (It could be a constant conflict or one that flares up every once in a while under certain conditions). Below are some prompts to get you thinking about how to apply this information on temperament into your own life.

1. A temperament difference between us that is sometimes challenging is:

2. One aspect of _______’s temperament that I get impatient or judgmental about is:

 

3. Conflict flares up around this difference between the two of us when:

4. I could say this to myself as a way to increase my empathy and reduce my impatience:

5. One aspect of my temperament that I wish _______ could be more understanding about is:

6. One way (or time) I can communicate about this with ________ so we can work together to try to change the factors that contribute to the conflict is: