What happens when you and your partner argue?
Anger, disappointment, and disagreements surface in any deep relationship. Resolving and learning from conflict, and repairing rifts happens most reliably when you uncover the thoughts and feelings hidden beneath the surface “content” of the fight. It helps to remember that there is no single “objective reality” but rather two “subjective realities.”
What she “heard” is as relevant that what you “said.” What he “felt” is as relevant as what you “meant.” And a sudden outburst, wild accusation, or seemingly irrational stance is often the consequence of prior suppression/inhibition of genuine concerns and feelings.
Think about the last time you argued (or save this for the next time you do) and try to describe how you felt. Each person can take a turn at being the speaker and the listener (to resist the temptation to interrupt with defensive responses about what you “meant” or “said,” etc.)
Here are some things people often feel during arguments: defensive, hurt, excluded, angry, sad, misunderstood, criticized, disliked, afraid, worried, invalidated, out of control, righteously indignant, unattractive, neglected, disgusted, disapproving, morally outraged, taken for granted, shut down, numbed out, unfairly picked on, overwhelmed, or powerless.
Sometimes people have the urge to leave, the desire to hurt their partner (physically or emotionally), or the desire to break something or otherwise act out. Sometimes people feel like nothing they say, think or feel matters.
Sometimes people have positive feelings during an argument, such as feeling calm, loved, appreciated, respected, powerful, happy, loving, kind, excited, or in control. Sometimes you can feel connected, or that you are making progress.
How many of these things did you feel? Anything else?
Try to summarize your own subjective reality during this argument and share it with your partner (focusing on what you felt, rather than returning to your arguments).
Listen to your partner’s description of their subjective reality and mirror it back to be sure you understand. Try to see how your partner’s subjective reality might make sense, given your partner’s perspective, and then try to communicate that understanding. It is essential that each of you attempt to give some credence to the other’s subjective reality.
If you are unable to listen to your partner without getting physically and/or emotionally agitated, give yourself more time to cool off and try again. Often, the challenge is that each person needs to receive some empathy before they can offer any.
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