Understanding our own temperaments and the temperaments of those close to us helps us create and sustain healthy relationships. Temperament differences play out in all kinds of ways, in all kinds of relationships. And in the context of intimate relationships, many of us find ourselves with people who have temperaments that are different from our own.
For example, we see couples in which one person is very emotionally expressive while the other is emotionally reserved, or in which one person is very active while the other person is more calm and still, or in which one person loves jumping into new adventures and experiences while the other is more cautious and risk-averse. We see one partner feel “done” and want to leave the party just as the other is starting to enjoy the music and the crowd. We see couples in which one partner loves sleeping at 10PM and waking at 7AM bright eyed and ready to jog, while the other would naturally sleep at midnight and wake at 8 or 9, and who is painfully sensitive to sound and light for the first half hour of the day.
Our personalities are complex, and we can develop ways of ignoring, suppressing, or amplifying our expression of our in-born personalities depending on how they are received by our families and social environments. While it’s possible to enjoy, overlook, or avoid personality differences and have a great time with someone for a while, over time these differences can become harder to sort out.
Temperament refers to an in-born dimension of personality that impacts how we perceive the world and our own first “natural” responses to those perceptions. Our temperament plays a role in how we respond to common experiences of everyday life—and to how we interpret and react to others’ responses that are different from our own. Understanding temperament can help us manage (or even steer clear of) certain common conflicts.
The elements of temperament we’ll explore here over the next few posts are:
- Persistence
- Sensitivity
- Adaptability
- Intensity
- Regularity
- Activity Level
- First Reaction
They are elements of personality that impact our individual approaches to everyday life: to family, friends, fun, work/career, parenting, relaxation, stress, errands and responsibilities, accomplishments, celebration, unexpected changes, etc. When we understand temperament we understand our own experience better, improve our ability to predict some of our potential triggers, and expand our acceptance of what is “normal” in our selves and others.
Unfortunately, in a lot of relationships differences in temperament are not accepted without judgment. This is especially the case in unequal relationships, e.g., parent and child, boss and employee, or in an intimate partnership where one person is always treated as less than the other. The person in power tends to think of their way as “right” and the way of the other person as wrong, pathological, irritating, or irrelevant, and expect them to change or conform. In this kind of environment, connection becomes increasingly challenging, and conflict or contempt becomes ever-present, be it at the surface or just below.
Conflict over temperament differences can be compounded when certain temperaments are culturally valued and others devalued (at best) or openly ridiculed or punished (at worst). Different cultures (family cultures, media, dominant cultural practices within ethnic groups, work cultures, gendered aspects of culture, etc.) support or normalize different traits. For example, a culture might define high persistence as a valuable and respected trait in general or for men, and consider it stubborn when exhibited by women. Or high sensitivity (to taste, sound, sight, etc.) might be valued in one culture or cultural context and considered finicky or weak in another.
A different way is possible! We can learn about temperament and develop more compassion for each other. When two people recognize their temperament differences and accept them as equally valid (rather than one being better or more normal than the other) we are more likely to negotiate an arrangement that works.
As you learn about temperament, resist assigning inherent good or bad value to any of its elements. Each temperament trait can offer strengths and challenges depending on the situation.
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