In order to have confidence in our relationships, we need to know we love and care for each other, desire and want to be with each other, and are important to one another. But how do we know this?
People communicate this in different ways. More importantly, they hear it in different ways. The acts or words that convince one person may be almost meaningless to another. Therefore, it is important to know how your partner effectively hears the communication that they are loved, desired, and respected.
Think about when you feel loved and appreciated. What is going on? Chances are you are receiving a communication in one of the 5 Love Languages delineated by Gary Chapman (see www.garychapman.org): physical affection, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation.
For many people, one or two of these languages are vitally important and one or two are maybe nice to receive but don’t go very far toward making them feel loved. For example, some people find words unconvincing (no matter how sweet) or feel indifferent or even opposed to gifts. Some people worry that they are greedy if they want all 5, but I say those people make life easy because everything works to get the message across!
Find out about the love languages you and your loved ones “hear” best. Take the online quiz at Gary Chapman’s site, or the adapted one below.
5 Love Languages Quiz
For each pair of statements, circle the letter after the statement that most represents you.
1. I like to receive notes or texts of affirmation from you. W
I like it when you hug me. P
2. I like to spend one-on-one time with you. Q
I feel loved when you give me practical help. A
3. I feel loved and appreciated when you give me little gifts. G
I like taking long walks together with you. Q
4. I feel loved when you do things to help me out. A
I feel loved when you touch me. P
5. I feel loved when you hold me in your arms. P
I feel loved when I receive a present from you. G
6. I like to go places with you. Q
I like to hold hands with you. P
7. I feel loved and secure when you praise and affirm me. W
Gifts of love and appreciation are very important to me. G
8. I like to sit close to you. P
I like for you to tell me I look good. W
9. I like to spend special time just with you. Q
I like to receive little treats from you after being separated. G
10. I know you love me when you help me get something done. A
I know you love me when you tell me you accept and admire me. W
11. I relish significant time spent together. Q
I relish the kind words you say to me. W
12. I feel whole when we hold each other. P
What you do affects me more than what you say. A
13. I feel closer to you when you touch me often. P
I feel closer when we get to talk or doing something together. Q
14. I like you to compliment my achievements. W
I feel your love for me when you do things for or with me that
are not your favorite things to do. A
15. I like for you to touch me (however briefly) when you walk by me. P
I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism. W
16. I feel special and valued when I receive meaningful gifts from you. G
I feel loved when you help me with my home projects. A
17. I feel loved when you compliment my appearance. W
I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings. Q
18. Your physical touch makes me feel loved and cared for. P
Your acts of service make me feel loved and cared for. A
19. I appreciate the practical favors you do to help me through
the day. A
I appreciate cards and/or gifts that you make for me. G
20. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your Q
undivided attention.
I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of A
service for me.
21. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift you know
I want or need. G
I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful
words (written or spoken). W
22. I feel loved when you help me out with chores that are A
overwhelming me.
I feel loved when you get me a treat after you know I’ve had
a hard day. G
23. I appreciate it when you remember special days with a surprise
gift. G
I appreciate it when we remember special days with a trip or
activity together. Q
I appreciate it when you step in to help me get something done
when I am worn down. A
25. I am excited when you kiss me unexpectedly. P
I am excited when you give me a gift for no special occasion. G
26. I like to be told that you appreciate me. W
I like for you to look at me when we are talking together. Q
27. Gifts from you are always special to me. G
Your warmth and physical touch make me feel better. P
28. I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate and
see me. W
I experience that you appreciate and see me when you generously
do random, helpful favors for me. A
29. Several inexpensive treats can mean as much or more than one
expensive gift. I feel close and happy when I get them. G
I feel close and happy when you listen to me with empathy
and sympathy. Q
30. I feel connected when you touch or kiss me daily. P
I feel connected when you give me words of affirmation daily. W
Tally up your totals for each letter:
A (acts of service)
G (gifts)
P (physical affection)
Q (quality time)
W (words of affirmation)
What languages of love do you understand best (aka what makes you thrive)?
What languages of love do you think you tend to speak (aka give)?
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