When we think about healthy relationships, we imagine open and honest communication, and being loved for who we are. Yet we often hide, censor, or spin things. Why?
Below are some typical reasons people censor their thoughts and feelings (sometimes even from themselves).
Ø Risk of humiliation, embarrassment, or being judged by our partner
Ø Self-judgment (e.g. I shouldn’t, I’m unworthy, it’s selfish, or “messed up” (it’s my issues))
Ø Risk of conflict (and fears of abandonment or other scary things)
Ø Risk of hurting our partner’s feelings (or seeming unresponsive to them)
Ø Pessimism/fatalism: it won’t make a difference if I speak up, and then I’ll feel worse
In addition to the ways we censor ourselves, we encourage censorship in our partners when we respond to something our partner shares by not taking it seriously, making accusatory statements (calling each other selfish, immature, pathological, weak), being abrupt, challenging, unsympathetic, or offering superficial advice.
Unfortunately, while staying silent may spare us embarrassment or conflict in the moment, we are borrowing trouble for the relationship. The more each partner hides or "protects" the other from information, the less each is in a “real” relationship. Being in a relationship with an idea of you that is constructed from limited information (with the blanks filled in by your partner) is not at all the same as being in a relationship with you! Ultimately, while a relationship run on censorship may feel “safe” or unthreatening, it is not very satisfying.
For more on these concepts, see Dan Wile’s “Couples Therapy: A Non-Traditional Approach.”
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