Research from the Gottman Institute indicates that a hallmark of happy relationships is the free flow of positive interactions (something on the order of 5 positive/validating statements for every 1 negative/critical statement). The Gottmans call this a “culture of appreciation.”
Positive interactions build up layers of protective coating for your relationship. When the storm clouds of conflict or stress roll in, the harsh weather won’t do so much damage. When you are confident about being loved and respected, it is easier to see that prickly moments are cues for gentle exploration rather than a call to arms.
So…when you think something positive, say it out loud!
But what if you don’t feel like saying nice things? Well, that is a sign that there is something lurking around that is hard to talk about. People who suppress negative feelings often have trouble spontaneously expressing positive feelings. Check out the posts on Key Concept 2 and Skill 2. The more work you do on speaking up (and listening when your partner does…see Skill 1) the more room there will be for positive feelings.
What if you believe that “talk is cheap” (i.e. worth very little)? If this is how you relate to compliments and positive statements, then that is something for you and your partner to know about you. You may find it hard to give as well as to receive positive statements. Over time, you may find some room for increased trust and flexibility regarding this position. In the meantime, you and your partner can work together to find alternate means of expressing your love, appreciation and respect for each other.
For more information from the Gottman Institute, go to http://www.gottman.com/marriage/
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