To guard against the dangers of being hidden in our own relationships we have to stretch to share our thoughts and feelings about ourselves. What we want and don’t want, and how we feel. This tends to get hard when how we are doesn’t fit perfectly with who we want to be, or how our partners wish we could be. On top of that, some of us are so used to suppressing our own desires or feelings that we must do work to unearth them before we can begin to share them.
Look for those moments when you censor yourself: to “protect” yourself or your partner, or because you are compromising without talking about it. Is there anything you’ve been thinking for awhile but feel unable to say out loud? Look for times when you can stretch yourself to share more, and also share your inclination to keep quiet (e.g. “I’m a little embarrassed to admit this but….” Or “I’m afraid of hurting your feelings but, honestly I…).
Stick to your own feelings and experience rather than sharing to tell your partner something about themselves. That is, if you are sharing something that bothers you about your partner’s behavior, say “when you…, I feel….. because…..” rather than “I think you’re being inconsiderate.”
Try to be aware of whether you are looking for a particular response: like validation or approval, or to convince your partner of something. We all like approval and things going our way, but this skill is about holding on to yourself and your experience, and being able to talk about it regardless of your partner’s response. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about what your partner feels, it means caring about your partner without invalidating yourself.
In addition, look for those moments in which you silence your partner, for example, with ridicule or criticism (however mild), unsolicited advice, or your own hurt feelings or need for validation. Try to hold on to your own feelings (you’re entitled to them) AND the separate, subjective reality of your partner. Can you talk about your experience without invalidating your partner’s?
This is big stuff, and it’s not easy, but the payoff for your relationship is huge. When it gets hard to listen, consider using the listening skill described in Skill 1.
Comments