What follows is a basic format for going deeper than our usual conversations. It is adapted from the "Couples Dialogue" used in Imago therapy*. It is a useful skill for learning about your partner and a good tool for unpacking conflicts without re-starting them.
Take turns in the role of listener and speaker. Practice this at least 3 times this week, with each person getting at least 15 minutes in each role each time.
1. The speaker tells the listener something in no more than 2 or 3 sentences.
2. The listener summarizes what they heard. You might use phrases like "I heard you say" or "If I'm hearing you right, you said..." and then "did I get that?" The purpose of this is to ensure that the listener was able to stay present and absorb what the speaker said. In regular conversation, our minds often wander to formulating a reply or follow-up question or other thoughts while the speaker is still talking. This step guards against that. If you find you are unable to remember what was said, ask the speaker to repeat it.
3. Once the speaker has confirmed that the listener has heard correctly, the listener asks "is there more?" Rarely do we ask that question in everyday conversation! Repeat steps 1-3 for 2 or 3 rounds, then move on to step 4.
4. The listener validates the speaker by sharing anything they can see makes sense from the speaker's point of view. This does not require agreeing with or approving of that point of view. Examples: "I can see how you would see it that way." "Given your life experiences, that makes sense." "I can understand..."
5. The listener empathizes with the speaker by sharing their guess at what the speaker feels. For example, "I imagine you felt/are feeling..." Try to offer 3 feelings (see the list below for ideas). The speaker can then agree or clarify what they actually feel/felt.
*For more on Imago, see books by Harville Hendrix, e.g. "Getting the love you want: A guide for couples." Shawna@empathyrocks learned about Imago via Wade Luquet's "Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action."
Some Feelings (Emotions and Attitudes)
Happy, Blissful, Cheerful, Delighted, Ecstatic, Glad, High, Joyous, Pleased, Satisfied
Sad, Contrite, Crushed, Defeated, Despairing, Distraught, Melancholy, Sorrowful, Weepy
Angry, Annoyed, Bitter, Defensive, Enraged, Frustrated, Furious, Mad, Outraged, Prickly, Quarrelsome
High-Energy (fun) Eager, Electrified, Energetic, Excited (and not so fun) Afraid, Anxious, Fearful, Frantic, Frightened, Jumpy, Nervous, Panicked, Restless, Scared, Stressed, Tense, Terrified
Peaceful, Calm, Contented, Relaxed, Settled
Disconnected, Abandoned, Excluded, Helpless, Homesick, Ignored, Isolated, Left Out, Lonely, Misunderstood, Numb, Powerless, Rejected, Unlovable, Withdrawn
Connected, Affectionate, Close, Empathetic, Good, Grateful, Helpful, Kind, Lovable, Loved, Loving, Sympathetic
Surprised, Astounded, Awed, Shocked, Startled, Stunned, Stupefied
And more…
Character judgments: Adequate, Apathetic, Bad, Beautiful, Bold, Brave, Capable, Childish, Clever, Competitive, Crazy, Critical, Cruel, Culpable, Deceitful, Destructive, Determined, Different, Disturbed, Evil, Fake, Foolish, Greedy, Guilty, Gullible, Hateful, Hysterical, Irritable, Jealous, Keen, Lazy, Mean, Needy, Nice, Obnoxious, Obsessed, Odd, Pretty, Prim, Prissy, Screwed Up, Sneaky, Spiteful, Stingy, Strange, Strong, Stupid, Talkative, Tenacious, Ugly, Vivacious, Wacky, Weak, Wicked, Violent
Pleasant to feel…Captivated, Charmed, Enchanted, Fascinated, Free, Heavenly, Honored, Impressed, Infatuated, Pleasant, Powerful, Proud, Refreshed, Relieved, Respected, Reverent, Rewarded, Righteous, Sure, Vital, Wonderful
And not so pleasant…Ambivalent, Betrayed, Bored, Burdened, Cheated, Condemned, Confused, Criticized, Discontented, Disgusted, Disrespected, Distracted, Divided, Dominated, Dubious, Empty, Envious, Exasperated, Exhausted, Flustered, Grieving, Horrible, Hurt, Imposed Upon, Intimidated, Low, Miserable, Overwhelmed, Pained, Persecuted, Petrified, Pressured, Punished, Remorseful, Servile, Skeptical, Sorry, Stifled, Stuck, Suffering, Tempted, Tentative, Tenuous, Terrible, Threatened, Thwarted, Tired, Trapped, Troubled, Uneasy, Unsettled, Vulnerable, Worried
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