In my last post, I talked about some of the reasons we keep thoughts and feelings hidden from our intimate partners, or even from ourselves. In this post, I address some of the consequences.
When we don’t share thoughts and feelings, what do we do instead?
When we hide things from ourselves, we can have very strong feelings without really understanding why. Then, when we argue based on those feelings (but without any underlying explanation for them) we can look pretty irrational. Also, this kind of suppression is sometimes at the root of panic attacks and seemingly strange or rigid behaviors/ideas. If you are not able to make sense of your partner’s reaction or attitude about something, suppression may be at work keeping vital information locked away.
When we can’t talk about our own big doubts (e.g., can anyone really love me?), we may turn the anxiety into a spotlight on our partner’s behaviors instead (e.g., if only you wouldn’t work late; or any flavor of “if you really loved me, you’d…”).
When we can’t tell our partner what we want, we expect them to “mind read:”
Ø We have vague hopes or expectations that our partner will “just know”
Ø We lay out “controversial” thoughts in obscure/semi-disguised ways and leave it to our partner to acknowledge them or not.
Ø Our partners are left to provide their own (often inaccurate) explanations for our behavior and guess about our desires.
Then, when we are faced with the inevitable disappointment created by the unrealistic expectation, we don’t recognize it and just know we feel withdrawn, angry, or lonely.
When we can’t say what we want and don’t want, we compulsively (and silently) compromise and suppress expectations, then hit a breaking point without our partner ever knowing it was building up.
What happens to the feelings we tried to shove down or talk ourselves out of?
The feelings and desires we suppress will emerge later in distorted/exaggerated forms such as:
Ø Sarcastic remarks, irritability, whining, eye-rolling
Ø Harsh “truths” or ultimatums blurted out in an argument
Ø Aggressive behaviors, tantrums, accusations
Ø Clinging, pleading/longing looks
Ø Intrusively demanding questions that imply criticism: “do you love me?” “Why don’t you ever______?”
Silence Creates Distance
Partners try to avoid conflict by carefully selecting what can and can’t be expressed. Unfortunately, this:
Ø Provides a constant undercurrent of impending emotional danger;
Ø Cuts off partners from each other;
Ø Undermines equality (one or both put in position of caretaking the other’s emotions); even the best unilateral efforts to solve are, by their nature, isolating;
Ø Deprives you of the satisfaction and agency of expressing important relationship feelings;
Ø Removes much of the spark, interest, and spontaneity from your interactions;
Ø Eventually leaves you with little to say to each other.
Feelings/worries that partners keep from each other have a tendency to become increasingly preoccupying, pushing each of you into the isolation of your own thoughts.
Not being able to talk about flaws (“here is something I view as a flaw in myself and I worry you will not like me because of it") means your partner can’t integrate it, or become an ally in facing it.
Not being able to say you don’t feel sexual/ intimate perpetuates feelings of distance/repulsion. Being able to say it paradoxically frees up the possibility of more positive feelings.
For more on these ideas, see the books of Dan Wile, e.g. “After the Fight” or “After the Honeymoon.”
Comments