Key Concept 1: The Four Steps

A lot of our experiences, including our conflicts, can be broken down into the following pattern:

Event àInterpretation (meaning assigned) àReaction (emotion) àAction/Decision

Here are some examples:

Event	Interpretation	Reaction	Action/Decision
Partner works late	She cares more about her job than about me	Anger, sadness, disappointment, feelings of rejection or abandonment, etc.	Confront her; hide feelings; act out
Partner yells during an argument	Violence will soon follow	Fear, anger, contempt	Leave, attack, placate
Partner wants daily check in calls during separation	He wants to control me	Fear of engulfment, anger	Confront him (tell him he’s being controlling/needy); hide feelings; evade calls
Partner wants alone time	She is rejecting me	Fear of rejection or abandonment, anger, sadness, disappointment	Confront her (tell her she’s being cold or insensitive to your needs); hide feelings; withdraw in retaliation
Partner fails to notice something (e.g. that I’m sad, overwhelmed, busy)	He doesn’t care; my needs are not important to him	Anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment	Confront him (If you really loved me you’d…); hide feelings; act out

We cannot change an event that has already happened, but our interpretation of events—that is, the meaning we assign to them—changes as our understanding of each other and relationship dynamics changes.  We cannot control our reactions—emotions are a primarily physiological process that happens automatically in response to our interpretation of events—but we can try to create some breathing room between our reaction and the action/decision so that there is time to take in more information and see that action/decision as a choice.

The meaning we assign to an event is partly about what is happening in the moment and partly (often more) about what our past experiences have taught us.  Often, the assignment of meaning happens without our consciously thinking about it, and therefore without any room for questioning it in the moment. 

Can you come up with at least one alternative interpretation for each event in the examples above? How might that change the reaction?  Does it suggest new choices for action/decision?  For example, another interpretation of the first event is that the partner’s working late has more to do with anxieties related to work than a devaluing of time with you.  This may allow a reaction of empathy to exist alongside feelings of disappointment.  This in turn suggests an action of sincerely asking the partner what is happening for/in her when the time she intended to leave arrives but she keeps working. 

The empathy that this exploration shows will in turn make it easier for her to hear your feelings of disappointment with less defensiveness, and allow you both to see that it is a difficult situation you are in together, in which both people are suffering.  Once both sides feel heard and empathized with, you can begin exploring and experimenting with solutions that are responsive to both the desire to be together and the need to cope with the work-related anxieties.