Empathic Partner

Welcome!

I created this blog to bring tools and information I use in my practice to a wider audience.  What you find here is not a substitute for couples therapy but an additional resource.  The author grants permission to re-blog and (not for profit) re-print provided this blog and its url are cited. If there are children in your life, check out my other blog (Empathic Parent) for more practical applications of the power of empathy.

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Key Concept 1: The Four Steps

A lot of our experiences, including our conflicts, can be broken down into the following pattern:

Event àInterpretation (meaning assigned) àReaction (emotion) àAction/Decision

Here are some examples:

Event	Interpretation	Reaction	Action/Decision
Partner works late	She cares more about her job than about me	Anger, sadness, disappointment, feelings of rejection or abandonment, etc.	Confront her; hide feelings; act out
Partner yells during an argument	Violence will soon follow	Fear, anger, contempt	Leave, attack, placate
Partner wants daily check in calls during separation	He wants to control me	Fear of engulfment, anger	Confront him (tell him he’s being controlling/needy); hide feelings; evade calls
Partner wants alone time	She is rejecting me	Fear of rejection or abandonment, anger, sadness, disappointment	Confront her (tell her she’s being cold or insensitive to your needs); hide feelings; withdraw in retaliation
Partner fails to notice something (e.g. that I’m sad, overwhelmed, busy)	He doesn’t care; my needs are not important to him	Anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment	Confront him (If you really loved me you’d…); hide feelings; act out

We cannot change an event that has already happened, but our interpretation of events—that is, the meaning we assign to them—changes as our understanding of each other and relationship dynamics changes.  We cannot control our reactions—emotions are a primarily physiological process that happens automatically in response to our interpretation of events—but we can try to create some breathing room between our reaction and the action/decision so that there is time to take in more information and see that action/decision as a choice.

The meaning we assign to an event is partly about what is happening in the moment and partly (often more) about what our past experiences have taught us.  Often, the assignment of meaning happens without our consciously thinking about it, and therefore without any room for questioning it in the moment. 

Can you come up with at least one alternative interpretation for each event in the examples above? How might that change the reaction?  Does it suggest new choices for action/decision?  For example, another interpretation of the first event is that the partner’s working late has more to do with anxieties related to work than a devaluing of time with you.  This may allow a reaction of empathy to exist alongside feelings of disappointment.  This in turn suggests an action of sincerely asking the partner what is happening for/in her when the time she intended to leave arrives but she keeps working. 

The empathy that this exploration shows will in turn make it easier for her to hear your feelings of disappointment with less defensiveness, and allow you both to see that it is a difficult situation you are in together, in which both people are suffering.  Once both sides feel heard and empathized with, you can begin exploring and experimenting with solutions that are responsive to both the desire to be together and the need to cope with the work-related anxieties.

 

Listening to Learn

What follows is a basic format for going deeper than our usual conversations.  It is adapted from the "Couples Dialogue" used in Imago therapy*.  It is a useful skill for learning about your partner and a good tool for unpacking conflicts without re-starting them. 

  

Take turns in the role of listener and speaker.  Practice this at least 3 times this week, with each person getting at least 15 minutes in each role each time.

  

1. The speaker tells the listener something in no more than 2 or 3 sentences.

  

2. The listener summarizes what they heard.  You might use phrases like "I heard you say" or "If I'm hearing you right, you said..." and then "did I get that?" The purpose of this is to ensure that the listener was able to stay present and absorb what the speaker said.  In regular conversation, our minds often wander to formulating a reply or follow-up question or other thoughts while the speaker is still talking.  This step guards against that.  If you find you are unable to remember what was said, ask the speaker to repeat it.

  

3. Once the speaker has confirmed that the listener has heard correctly, the listener asks "is there more?"  Rarely do we ask that question in everyday conversation!  Repeat steps 1-3 for 2 or 3 rounds, then move on to step 4.

  

4. The listener validates the speaker by sharing anything they can see makes sense from the speaker's point of view.  This does not require agreeing with or approving of that point of view.  Examples: "I can see how you would see it that way."  "Given your life experiences, that makes sense."  "I can understand..." 

  

5. The listener empathizes with the speaker by sharing their guess at what the speaker feels.  For example, "I imagine you felt/are feeling..." Try to offer 3 feelings (see the list below for ideas).  The speaker can then agree or clarify what they actually feel/felt.

  

*For more on Imago, see books by Harville Hendrix, e.g. "Getting the love you want: A guide for couples."  Shawna@empathyrocks learned about Imago via Wade Luquet's "Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action."

  

 

Some Feelings (Emotions and Attitudes)

  

Happy, Blissful, Cheerful, Delighted, Ecstatic, Glad, High, Joyous, Pleased, Satisfied

  

Sad, Contrite, Crushed, Defeated, Despairing, Distraught, Melancholy, Sorrowful, Weepy

  

Angry, Annoyed, Bitter, Defensive, Enraged, Frustrated, Furious, Mad, Outraged, Prickly, Quarrelsome

  

High-Energy (fun) Eager, Electrified, Energetic, Excited

(and not so fun) Afraid, Anxious, Fearful, Frantic, Frightened, Jumpy, Nervous, Panicked, Restless, Scared, Stressed, Tense, Terrified

  

Peaceful, Calm, Contented, Relaxed, Settled

  

Disconnected, Abandoned, Excluded, Helpless, Homesick, Ignored, Isolated, Left Out, Lonely, Misunderstood, Numb, Powerless, Rejected, Unlovable, Withdrawn

  

Connected, Affectionate, Close, Empathetic, Good, Grateful, Helpful, Kind, Lovable, Loved, Loving, Sympathetic

  

Surprised, Astounded, Awed, Shocked, Startled, Stunned, Stupefied

  

And more…

Character judgments: Adequate, Apathetic, Bad, Beautiful, Bold, Brave, Capable, Childish, Clever, Competitive, Crazy, Critical, Cruel, Culpable, Deceitful, Destructive, Determined, Different, Disturbed, Evil, Fake, Foolish, Greedy, Guilty, Gullible, Hateful, Hysterical, Irritable, Jealous, Keen, Lazy, Mean, Needy, Nice, Obnoxious, Obsessed, Odd, Pretty, Prim, Prissy, Screwed Up, Sneaky, Spiteful, Stingy, Strange, Strong, Stupid, Talkative, Tenacious, Ugly, Vivacious, Wacky, Weak, Wicked, Violent

  

Pleasant to feel…Captivated, Charmed, Enchanted, Fascinated, Free, Heavenly, Honored, Impressed, Infatuated, Pleasant, Powerful, Proud, Refreshed, Relieved, Respected, Reverent, Rewarded, Righteous, Sure, Vital, Wonderful

  

And not so pleasant…Ambivalent, Betrayed, Bored, Burdened, Cheated, Condemned, Confused, Criticized, Discontented, Disgusted, Disrespected, Distracted, Divided, Dominated, Dubious, Empty, Envious, Exasperated, Exhausted, Flustered, Grieving, Horrible, Hurt, Imposed Upon, Intimidated, Low, Miserable, Overwhelmed, Pained, Persecuted, Petrified, Pressured, Punished, Remorseful, Servile, Skeptical, Sorry, Stifled, Stuck, Suffering, Tempted, Tentative, Tenuous, Terrible, Threatened, Thwarted, Tired, Trapped, Troubled, Uneasy, Unsettled,  Vulnerable, Worried

 

 

Key Concept 2: What you don't say can hurt you (Part 1).

When we think about healthy relationships, we imagine open and honest communication, and being loved for who we are.  Yet we often hide, censor, or spin things.   Why?

Below are some typical reasons people censor their thoughts and feelings (sometimes even from themselves).

Ø  Risk of humiliation, embarrassment, or being judged by our partner

Ø  Self-judgment (e.g. I shouldn’t, I’m unworthy, it’s selfish, or “messed up” (it’s my issues))

Ø  Risk of conflict (and fears of abandonment or other scary things)

Ø  Risk of hurting our partner’s feelings (or seeming unresponsive to them)

Ø  Pessimism/fatalism: it won’t make a difference if I speak up, and then I’ll feel worse

In addition to the ways we censor ourselves, we encourage censorship in our partners when we respond to something our partner shares by not taking it seriously, making accusatory statements (calling each other selfish, immature, pathological, weak), being abrupt, challenging, unsympathetic, or offering superficial advice.  

Unfortunately, while staying silent may spare us embarrassment or conflict in the moment, we are borrowing trouble for the relationship.  The more each partner hides or "protects" the other from information, the less each is in a “real” relationship.  Being in a relationship with an idea of you that is constructed from limited information (with the blanks filled in by your partner) is not at all the same as being in a relationship with you!  Ultimately, while a relationship run on censorship may feel “safe” or unthreatening, it is not very satisfying.

For more on these concepts, see Dan Wile’s “Couples Therapy: A Non-Traditional Approach.”

Speaking up to be known

To guard against the dangers of being hidden in our own relationships we have to stretch to share our thoughts and feelings about ourselves.  What we want and don’t want, and how we feel.  This tends to get hard when how we are doesn’t fit perfectly with who we want to be, or how our partners wish we could be.  On top of that, some of us are so used to suppressing our own desires or feelings that we must do work to unearth them before we can begin to share them.

 

Look for those moments when you censor yourself: to “protect” yourself or your partner, or because you are compromising without talking about it.   Is there anything you’ve been thinking for awhile but feel unable to say out loud? Look for times when you can stretch yourself to share more, and also share your inclination to keep quiet (e.g. “I’m a little embarrassed to admit this but….” Or “I’m afraid of hurting your feelings but, honestly I…). 

 

Stick to your own feelings and experience rather than sharing to tell your partner something about themselves.  That is, if you are sharing something that bothers you about your partner’s behavior, say “when you…, I feel….. because…..” rather than “I think you’re being inconsiderate.” 

 

Try to be aware of whether you are looking for a particular response: like validation or approval, or to convince your partner of something.  We all like approval and things going our way, but this skill is about holding on to yourself and your experience, and being able to talk about it regardless of your partner’s response.  That doesn’t mean you don’t care about what your partner feels, it means caring about your partner without invalidating  yourself.    

 

In addition, look for those moments in which you silence your partner, for example, with ridicule or criticism (however mild), unsolicited advice, or your own hurt feelings or need for validation.  Try to hold on to your own feelings (you’re entitled to them) AND the separate, subjective reality of your partner.  Can you talk about your experience without invalidating your partner’s? 

 

This is big stuff, and it’s not easy, but the payoff for your relationship is huge.  When it gets hard to listen, consider using the listening skill described in Skill 1. 

Key Concept 2: What you don't say can hurt you (Part 2).

In my last post, I talked about some of the reasons we keep thoughts and feelings hidden from our intimate partners, or even from ourselves.  In this post, I address some of the consequences.

 

When we don’t share thoughts and feelings, what do we do instead?

 

When we hide things from ourselves, we can have very strong feelings without really understanding why.  Then, when we argue based on those feelings (but without any underlying explanation for them) we can look pretty irrational.  Also, this kind of suppression is sometimes at the root of panic attacks and seemingly strange or rigid behaviors/ideas.  If you are not able to make sense of your partner’s reaction or attitude about something, suppression may be at work keeping vital information locked away.  

 

When we can’t talk about our own big doubts (e.g., can anyone really love me?), we may turn the anxiety into a spotlight on our partner’s behaviors instead (e.g., if only you wouldn’t work late; or any flavor of “if you really loved me, you’d…”).

 

When we can’t tell our partner what we want, we expect them to “mind read:”

Ø  We have vague hopes or expectations that our partner will “just know”   

Ø  We lay out “controversial” thoughts in obscure/semi-disguised ways and leave it to our partner to acknowledge them or not. 

Ø  Our partners are left to provide their own (often inaccurate) explanations for our behavior and guess about our desires.

Then, when we are faced with the inevitable disappointment created by the unrealistic expectation, we don’t recognize it and just know we feel withdrawn, angry, or lonely.

 

When we can’t say what we want and don’t want, we compulsively (and silently) compromise and suppress expectations, then hit a breaking point without our partner ever knowing it was building up. 

 

What happens to the feelings we tried to shove down or talk ourselves out of?

 

The feelings and desires we suppress will emerge later in distorted/exaggerated forms such as:

Ø  Sarcastic remarks, irritability, whining, eye-rolling

Ø  Harsh “truths” or ultimatums blurted out in an argument

Ø  Aggressive behaviors, tantrums, accusations

Ø  Clinging, pleading/longing looks

Ø  Intrusively demanding questions that imply criticism: “do you love me?” “Why don’t you ever______?”

 

Silence Creates Distance

 

Partners try to avoid conflict by carefully selecting what can and can’t be expressed.  Unfortunately, this:

Ø  Provides a constant undercurrent of impending emotional danger;

Ø  Cuts off partners from each other;

Ø  Undermines equality (one or both put in position of caretaking the other’s emotions); even the best unilateral efforts to solve are, by their nature, isolating;

Ø  Deprives you of the satisfaction and agency of expressing important relationship feelings;

Ø  Removes much of the spark, interest, and spontaneity from your interactions;

Ø  Eventually leaves you with little to say to each other.

 

Feelings/worries that partners keep from each other have a tendency to become increasingly preoccupying, pushing each of you into the isolation of your own thoughts.

 

Not being able to talk about flaws (“here is something I view as a flaw in myself and I worry you will not like me because of it") means your partner can’t integrate it, or become an ally in facing it. 

 

Not being able to say you don’t feel sexual/ intimate perpetuates feelings of distance/repulsion.  Being able to say it paradoxically frees up the possibility of more positive feelings.

 

For more on these ideas, see the books of Dan Wile, e.g. “After the Fight” or “After the Honeymoon.”

 

Accentuate the Positive

Research from the Gottman Institute indicates that a hallmark of happy relationships is the free flow of positive interactions (something on the order of 5 positive/validating statements for every 1 negative/critical statement).  The Gottmans call this a “culture of appreciation.”

 

Positive interactions build up layers of protective coating for your relationship.  When the storm clouds of conflict or stress roll in, the harsh weather won’t do so much damage.  When you are confident about being loved and respected, it is easier to see that prickly moments are cues for gentle exploration rather than a call to arms.  

  

So…when you think something positive, say it out loud! 

 

But what if you don’t feel like saying nice things?  Well, that is a sign that there is something lurking around that is hard to talk about.  People who suppress negative feelings often have trouble spontaneously expressing positive feelings.  Check out the posts on Key Concept 2 and Skill 2.  The more work you do on speaking up (and listening when your partner does…see Skill 1) the more room there will be for positive feelings.

 

What if you believe that “talk is cheap” (i.e. worth very little)?  If this is how you relate to compliments and positive statements, then that is something for you and your partner to know about you.  You may find it hard to give as well as to receive positive statements.  Over time, you may find some room for increased trust and flexibility regarding this position.  In the meantime, you and your partner can work together to find alternate means of expressing your love, appreciation and respect for each other.

 

For more information from the Gottman Institute, go to http://www.gottman.com/marriage/

Key Concept 3: Love Languages

In order to have confidence in our relationships, we need to know we love and care for each other, desire and want to be with each other, and are important to one another.   But how do we know this?  

 

People communicate this in different ways.  More importantly, they hear it in different ways.  The acts or words that convince one person may be almost meaningless to another.  Therefore, it is important to know how your partner effectively hears the communication that they are loved, desired, and respected.

 

Think about when you feel loved and appreciated.  What is going on?  Chances are you are receiving a communication in one of the 5 Love Languages delineated by Gary Chapman (see www.garychapman.org): physical affection, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation.

 

For many people, one or two of these languages are vitally important and one or two are maybe nice to receive but don’t go very far toward making them feel loved.  For example, some people find words unconvincing (no matter how sweet) or feel indifferent or even opposed to gifts.  Some people worry that they are greedy if they want all 5, but I say those people make life easy because everything works to get the message across!

 

Find out about the love languages you and your loved ones “hear” best.  Take the online quiz at Gary Chapman’s site, or the adapted one below. 

 

5 Love Languages Quiz

 

For each pair of statements, circle the letter after the statement that most represents you.

 

1.     I like to receive notes or texts of affirmation from you.    W

    I like it when you hug me.     P

 

2.    I like to spend one-on-one time with you.   Q

    I feel loved when you give me practical help.    A

 

3.     I feel loved and appreciated when you give me little gifts.   G

    I like taking long walks together with you.     Q

 

4.     I feel loved when you do things to help me out. A

    I feel loved when you touch me.     P

 

5.    I feel loved when you hold me in your arms.    P

    I feel loved when I receive a present from you.    G

 

6.     I like to go places with you.   Q

    I like to hold hands with you.   P

   

7.     I feel loved and secure when you praise and affirm me.   W

    Gifts of love and appreciation are very important to me. G

 

8.     I like to sit close to you.   P

    I like for you to tell me I look good.    W

 

9.     I like to spend special time just with you.    Q

    I like to receive little treats from you after being separated.    G

 

10.   I know you love me when you help me get something done. A

    I know you love me when you tell me you accept and admire me.  W

 

11.   I relish significant time spent together.    Q

    I relish the kind words you say to me.     W

 

12.   I feel whole when we hold each other.     P

    What you do affects me more than what you say.   A

 

13.   I feel closer to you when you touch me often.   P

    I feel closer when we get to talk or doing something together.   Q

 

14.   I like you to compliment my achievements.   W

    I feel your love for me when you do things for or with me that

are not your favorite things to do. A

 

15. I like for you to touch me (however briefly) when you walk by me.  P

    I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism.    W

 

16.   I feel special and valued when I receive meaningful gifts from you.   G

    I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.    A

 

17. I feel loved when you compliment my appearance.    W

    I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings.    Q

 

18.   Your physical touch makes me feel loved and cared for. P

    Your acts of service make me feel loved and cared for.     A

 

19.   I appreciate the practical favors you do to help me through

the day.             A

    I appreciate cards and/or gifts that you make for me.   G

 

20.   I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your Q

undivided attention.   

    I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of   A

service for me.   

 

21.   I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift you know 

I want or need. G

    I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful

words (written or spoken). W

 

22.   I feel loved when you help me out with chores that are   A

overwhelming me.  

    I feel loved when you get me a treat after you know I’ve had    

a hard day.   G

 

23.   I appreciate it when you remember special days with a surprise

gift.     G

    I appreciate it when we remember special days with a trip or

    activity together. Q

 

 24. I appreciate it when you give time and listen patiently to me.   Q

    I appreciate it when you step in to help me get something done

when I am worn down. A

 

25.   I am excited when you kiss me unexpectedly.   P

    I am excited when you give me a gift for no special occasion.  G

 

26.   I like to be told that you appreciate me.   W

    I like for you to look at me when we are talking together.    Q

 

27. Gifts from you are always special to me. G

    Your warmth and physical touch make me feel better.   P

 

28.   I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate and

see me.     W

    I experience that you appreciate and see me when you generously

do random, helpful favors for me.     A

 

29. Several inexpensive treats can mean as much or more than one

expensive gift. I feel close and happy when I get them.  G

    I feel close and happy when you listen to me with empathy

and sympathy.   Q

 

30.   I feel connected when you touch or kiss me daily. P

    I feel connected when you give me words of affirmation daily.     W

 

 

 

 

Tally up your totals for each letter:

 

A (acts of service)

 

G (gifts)

 

P (physical affection)

 

Q (quality time)

 

W (words of affirmation)

 

---

What languages of love do you understand best (aka what makes you thrive)?

 

 

 

 

What languages of love do you think you tend to speak (aka give)?

 

Make a love languages tickler system.

Once you know your partner's love languages (see Key Concept 3), interview them for more specifics.  For instance, if he likes gifts, find out if any little treat counts, or if he's also looking for other attributes.  Is it worth more if it is expensive, or if it shows you know him well?

Once you have a good idea of the kinds of things that your partner perceives as evidence of love, make yourself a tickler system to ensure that you are communicating in the languages they can hear.  Hopefully there are enough options that you can offer at least one per week.  For instance, if your partner likes words of affirmation, you can calendar reminders to say the positive things you feel, and leave her little love notes or write her a card.

Continue your spontaneous expressions of love in any language, but use the tickler to ensure that you don't fall below a minimum threshold in the languages that really get heard.  Long-term relationships cannot rely on spontaneity alone to keep these messages flowing.  There is still authenticity in the choice to take the action your tickler suggests.  If you see the note on your calendar and don't feel like following through, this is important information.  Review Key Concept 2, and ask yourself if there is something you're having a hard time saying out loud.

Key Concept 4: Temperament, part 1

Understanding our own temperaments and the temperaments of those close to us helps us create and sustain healthy relationships. Temperament differences play out in all kinds of ways, in all kinds of relationships. And in the context of intimate relationships, many of us find ourselves with people who have temperaments that are different from our own.

 

For example, we see couples in which one person is very emotionally expressive while the other is emotionally reserved, or in which one person is very active while the other person is more calm and still, or in which one person loves jumping into new adventures and experiences while the other is more cautious and risk-averse. We see one partner feel “done” and want to leave the party just as the other is starting to enjoy the music and the crowd. We see couples in which one partner loves sleeping at 10PM and waking at 7AM bright eyed and ready to jog, while the other would naturally sleep at midnight and wake at 8 or 9, and who is painfully sensitive to sound and light for the first half hour of the day. 

 

Our personalities are complex, and we can develop ways of ignoring, suppressing, or amplifying our expression of our in-born personalities depending on how they are received by our families and social environments. While it’s possible to enjoy, overlook, or avoid personality differences and have a great time with someone for a while, over time these differences can become harder to sort out.

 

Temperament refers to an in-born dimension of personality that impacts how we perceive the world and our own first “natural” responses to those perceptions. Our temperament plays a role in how we respond to common experiences of everyday life—and to how we interpret and react to others’ responses that are different from our own. Understanding temperament can help us manage (or even steer clear of) certain common conflicts.

 

The elements of temperament we’ll explore here over the next few posts are:

1. Persistence
2. Sensitivity
3. Adaptability
4. Intensity
5. Regularity
6. Activity Level
7. First Reaction

 

They are elements of personality that impact our individual approaches to everyday life: to family, friends, fun, work/career, parenting, relaxation, stress, errands and responsibilities, accomplishments, celebration, unexpected changes, etc. When we understand temperament we understand our own experience better, improve our ability to predict some of our potential triggers, and expand our acceptance of what is “normal” in our selves and others.

 

Unfortunately, in a lot of relationships differences in temperament are not accepted without judgment. This is especially the case in unequal relationships, e.g., parent and child, boss and employee, or in an intimate partnership where one person is always treated as less than the other. The person in power tends to think of their way as “right” and the way of the other person as wrong, pathological, irritating, or irrelevant, and expect them to change or conform. In this kind of environment, connection becomes increasingly challenging, and conflict or contempt becomes ever-present, be it at the surface or just below.

 

Conflict over temperament differences can be compounded when certain temperaments are culturally valued and others devalued (at best) or openly ridiculed or punished (at worst). Different cultures (family cultures, media, dominant cultural practices within ethnic groups, work cultures, gendered aspects of culture, etc.) support or normalize different traits. For example, a culture might define high persistence as a valuable and respected trait in general or for men, and consider it stubborn when exhibited by women. Or high sensitivity (to taste, sound, sight, etc.) might be valued in one culture or cultural context and considered finicky or weak in another.

 

A different way is possible! We can learn about temperament and develop more compassion for each other. When two people recognize their temperament differences and accept them as equally valid (rather than one being better or more normal than the other) we are more likely to negotiate an arrangement that works.

 

As you learn about temperament, resist assigning inherent good or bad value to any of its elements. Each temperament trait can offer strengths and challenges depending on the situation.

Key Concept 4: Temperament, part 2

Below is a review of each of the classic elements of temperament followed by a 1-5 spectrum on which you can place yourself. Try not to think about what you “should be,” or how you “should respond,” or how you wish you were. You may find it interesting to consider how temperament differences were handled in your family of origin, and how your reaction to those experiences plays out in your intimate relationships.

 

1.    Persistence

When you are involved in a task, how do you feel about being interrupted?  If someone tells you “no,” does it make you want to push harder? When you have to stop before the task is “done,” how do you feel?

 

Low Persistence				High Persistence
1	2	3	4		5

       

Possible Traits of Someone Who is Low Persistence:  Easy going, but can have a hard time following through or completing things, or can have a hard time holding the line about things.

 

Possible Traits of Someone Who is High Persistence: Committed to goals, able to give full attention, willing to “fight” to be able to keep trying or finish, but can respond to interruptions with irritation, may miss other’s cues, has a hard time being flexible, and has a hard time feeling they’ve done a good job if nothing is fully completed.

 

2.    Sensitivity

How aware are you of sights, sounds, smells, textures or tastes? Do noises irritate you? Do you notice subtle changes in lighting or temperature? Do you get overwhelmed when there is too much to look at? Do you have a hard time with textural differences (i.e. of your clothes, sheets, food, etc.)? Note: We can be really sensitive about some things (i.e. sound) and less sensitive about others (i.e. sights).

 

Low Sensitivity				High Sensitivity
1	2	3	4		5

 

Possible Low Sensitivity Traits: Not easily irritated or overwhelmed by sensory stimuli; can enjoy amusement parks, crowds, Home Depot; can wear clothes of any texture; rarely notices moderate changes in temperature; easy to stay calm and focused; often have trouble believing or being patient with what it’s like for people with high sensitivity; can overload sensitive people.

 

Possible High Sensitivity Traits: Easily irritated or overwhelmed by sensory stimuli including crowded stores, crying children, loud bars or parties, clutter, highly decorated classrooms (visual stimuli);  particular about how clothing feels; finds it very hard or impossible to focus on other things in the midst of sensory stimuli; probably often told “too sensitive” or picky which may result in frustration with self and attempts to “tough it out” until overwhelmed; usually needs awareness and practice to recognize when to take a break before overwhelm; Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) kids often (some say always) have high sensitivity.  Stress tends to push people higher on the spectrum.

 

 

3.    Adaptability

How easily do you shift from one activity or idea to another?  How do you feel about surprises or changes in schedule or plan?

 

 

Low Adaptability				High Adaptability
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Adaptability: Organized; predictable; has an easy / comfortable time establishing routines; fights against feeling rushed or surprised; unlikely to overlook transitions; may judge adaptable people as unpredictable or unreliable.

 

Possible Traits of High Adaptability: Flexible, good for in-the-moment problem-solving, may not even perceive some transitions, may be triggered by those who need longer transition time, may judge those who need or thrive on a schedule as controlling, may have trouble with follow-through or be experienced as highly distractible.

 

4.    Intensity

How strong are your emotional reactions (what you feel, not necessarily what you do or how much you show it)?

 

 

Low Intensity				High Intensity
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Intensity (milder emotion): Not emotive, may be described by other people as especially calm, not easily triggered by others’ feelings or intensity, not easily frustrated, may have a hard time empathizing with higher intensity emotions, may judge those who show more emotion in any variety of ways.

 

Possible Traits of High Intensity (more intense emotion): Experiences emotions deeply, passionately, with zest; has a hard time “letting go” of emotions (may have experienced others trying to convince to “let it go and move on;” has to work harder not to get triggered by others; can experience and judge low intensity people as “emotionally flat” or “Spock-like.”

 

5.    Regularity

Do you like/need to sleep or eat at regular times? Do you get thrown off (i.e. irritated, upset, stressed) when your regular day-to-day schedule changes?

 

 

Low Regularity				High Regularity
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Regularity (flexible): Irregularity is okay, can wait to eat or sleep; has an easier time traveling or adjusting to others’ schedules (i.e. if friends or family are visiting, if someone is ill, etc.).

 

Possible Traits of High Regularity: Routines give a sense of security and reliability; bodily functions are more regular/on-schedule; feels a range of stress/anxiety/irritation if schedule is disrupted; can physically feel quite bad if sleep schedule or meal schedule changes; with entitlement can expect others to adapt to their schedule regardless of others’ temperament.

 

Each can have a very hard time understanding and being patient with the other.

 

 

6.    Activity Level

How active are you? This is not just about exercising or working out. What amount of activity makes you feel good? When you want to “unwind,” “take it easy,” or “relax,” do you want to go for a jog, or lie down and watch a movie? What level of activity at work or home makes you feel invigorated? What level of activity makes you feel exhausted or overwhelmed?

 

 

Low Activity Level				High Activity Level
1	2	3	4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low Activity: Easy to sit still for long periods of time; might need or crave quiet still time; can take or leave physical exercise; likes to stroll rather than walk briskly; generally laid back; a rejuvenating vacation involves free time and lounging; enjoys single activities but not three scheduled in a row; finds high activity people (and their activities) exhausting.

 

Possible Traits of High Activity: Fidgety, needs regular exercise; prefers to walk briskly; not easily overwhelmed by lack of “down time;” likes to pack the schedule with things to do; feels antsy and stir crazy when stuck in the house too long; a rejuvenating vacation involves many activities; can have a hard time stopping, focusing, or being still; finds low activity people boring or judges them as lazy.

 

7.    First Response (Approach or Withdrawal)

What is your characteristic first response to a new idea, place, thing, or activity? Does it feel natural to wait and observe before jumping in, or does it feel easy and natural to throw yourself into the new experience?

 

 

Low (Cautious) First Response			High (Jump in) First Response
1	2	3		4		5

 

 

Possible Traits of Low (Cautious) First Response: Needs time to decide; watches before joining; less able to focus for a longer period of time when in a new environment; can judge high first response people to be careless, reckless, anxiety-producing, or exhausting.

 

Possible Traits of High (Jump-In) First Response: Quick to decide likes and dislikes; jumps at any chance for something new; joins in quickly; no noticeable (or at least negative) physiological reaction to newness; may move too quickly for their cautious counterparts or judge them as overly cautious or constrained by fear.

 

Adapted by Shawna Sodersten and Orchid Pusey from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s © 2000 “Kids, Parents and Power Struggles,” Chapter Eight: “Why You Blow: Understanding Your Temperament.”